senang tapi susah

At this point of time, I can say that I am quite enjoying my job. Perhaps these are the days when I don't feel like stranggling my students. I just hope that I am on the right track and I hope there are some souls which I have touched. I cannot say that I have done enough because well, I merely started and I wish I could do more. But considering the givens, I sometimes have to suck it up and make do with what is in front of me.

Jadi cikgu ni senang, tapi susah dapat pahala.

Someone said this during one of the talks I attended back then. I couldn't agree more. My job is the most noble but I think sometimes some teachers forget the reason we became one in the first place. When some things are handled in the wrongful hands and when we are not ikhlas in doing what we do, that's when the pahala decrease. It's really difficult because we are dealing with humans. That they give us headaches and heartaches, and more often than not they appear to be despicable as they get under your skin.

I worry everytime when I find myself getting angry with my students. I worry when sometimes harsh words are being spoken and I worry everytime I feel that swelling regret. I have tried but sometimes I can't help it. Everything has its limits and I am just a human. And I also worry when I don't go the extra mile. I tried, but what good does it bring when you know students are not helping themselves? There were times when I regret the "Suka hati awaklah" that came out. It's not that I haven't tried, but you have to understand. I am beyond exhausted.

Then I have the other thing to bear in mind. I am not only being scrutinised under the microscope, but whatever action taken or not taken and any words spoken will affect them. I might not remember what I did or said, but they will. And that frightens me, too.

I am trying really hard to coax my mood and emotions. I do not want to lash out on my students because deep down I love them all. Semua lah. Yang kaki-kaki ponteng tu pun.

Jadi cikgu senang, tapi susah dapat pahala

If that doesn't sting you.