It's my school's Fifth Formers Graduation Day tomorrow, which means I am going to miss my cousin's solemnization and another friend's wedding.

It is so hard to make plans these day, especially for the weekends. You'll never know what's going to suddenly pop up. My school (read : administrators) is especially very good in this, informing of any upcoming events in such short notice. And it is just so hard to be excused no matter how valid a reason you have because supposedly you are the one who is "yang menurut perintah". Having an autocratic Ketua Jabatan doesn't help at all.

This event which will be held tomorrow was canceled once and that made every teacher let a huge sigh of relief -- that would mean a huge burden let off. And just 2 weeks before, it was decided that it will be on again. Things get very chaotic and as usual, all the teachers worked like coolies because time is not on our side. For such major event, 2 weeks is definitely not sufficient but after today's rehearsal, I am hoping that tomorrow will be on smoothly.

Kesian tengok cikgu-cikgu yang sangat bekerja keras tapi in the end dimaki hamun. I mean, they could do with a little bit of compliment for all their work. Without us, satu kerja pun tak jalan. And without us, Ketua Jabatan is nothing la.

Appreciate is the word.

ulat bulu

Saya tahu membezakan bila seorang lelaki itu hanya sekadar mengusik atau pun menggatal.

Bukanlah nak kata saya ni perasan, tapi mana-mana perempuan yang berada di tempat saya dan mengalami apa yang saya alami ini first-hand pasti setuju bila saya katakan yang lelaki yang sorang memang nak menggatal.

Saya tidak kisah kalau ada lelaki sms2 saya, biasalah nak berkawan. Saya ni tidaklah jual mahal. But when things started even so wrongly, you instantly knew that this guy is in for something. Saya tahu bila orang tu miang gatal bila sms sudah berbaur kegedikan dan membahasakan diri ‘I-you’. Padahal baru berjumpa pertama kali. Dan bagaimana dia dapat nombor saya, saya pun tidak tahu.Mungkin dari senarai kehadiran mesyuarat Headcount yang lalu.

Dan yang paling buat saya menyampah geli-geleman ialah lelaki gatal sorang ni sudah berkahwin dan sudah pun mempunyai seorang anak. Bayangkan. Tidak putus-putus sms masuk seperti seorang yang sangat desperate nampaknya.

Saya terus katakan yang saya tidak selesa nak bersms dengan dia dan mengharapkan dia faham (Terfikir juga di benak fikiran bila saya tulis begitu dia fikir lain pulak. Nanti dia start calling2, lagi parah since I said I was not comfortable smsing with him). Nak tau apa dia balas? “Okay, I tak ganggu you, tapi I suka tengok you”.

Memang dasar lelaki miang gatal tak sedar diri.

the ultimate challenge

I don't usually put my reflective cap on especially on a Saturday morning but my students somehow slipped into my mind that I can't help but ponder on them.

Like most of my fellow comrades (especially the ones teaching in high schools), we've been teaching for almost 10 months now. Meeting these students on a daily basis can be as pleasant as it is dreadful. Our experiences, no matter how different, they taught us one thing. Forget the exams, everything comes back to this : secondary school students are as much children as they are adults, and that therein lay the dilemma of how to educate and parent them simultaneously. And the fact that they seem to come from different moldings makes the task even harder.

I guess that is the ultimate challenge. And I pray every single day that I will champion this one.

sorely missed

For some reasons, I have been thinking of them almost all of the time. I guess I miss their presence and that nice feeling of bumping into each other almost on a daily basis for 6 wonderful years. You girls are sorely missed *lump forms in throat*

And Happy 24th Birthday to my dear friend, Syajaratuddurrah Mohd. Khairuddi (Gawwdd, your name brings back all the memories! hehe). Wishing you all the happiness in the world and the hereafter.

random blurts

I thought of getting wasted this weekend only to be reminded that I have received my monthly pay 2 weeks ago and I probably have spent half of the amount. Lupa gaji masuk awal sebab Deepavali. Another month before I receive my 11th pay slip (11 sudah??).

Oh, Rizal's getting his this week. I can finally get my birthday gift!

As for today, free food again! School high-tea and a wedding. The same goes for tomorrow. And I think I have gained 2 kilos. But who cares? Rizal tak pernah perasan badan I naik ke tak. Or probably he's just oblivious to the fact <--- ok, this sentence seems unfinished.

My students have added more nicknames for me; Cikgu Aerobik, Cikgu Kereta Biru, Cikgu Kereta Tikus. Suka hati korang je kan.

I think I know why my body aches this morning. It has got to be the petai(s) I ate for dinner last night. I haven't eaten them for ages and the achings are the aftermath of its consumption. No more petai after this. I think I am no more a petai enthuse. Tengok petai pun dah tak excited macam dulu2.

And I hope it's not too late to congratulate my dear friend, Kak Azlina on her recent engagement.

blues and dramas

Look how my 2 weeks of absence from school has made me.

I can't believe I am secretly dreading tomorrow so much that the thought of entering the school ground tomorrow is enough to make a tear or two roll down my cheek (Think of a 7 year old stomping her feet on the floor with cries that's enough to break your heart). And I am not joking. This sinking feeling; I know it's bad enough when by just looking at my mom's face a lump forms in my throat. I look at my sister and I want to cuddle her and not let go and seeing my dad makes it even harder to leave the house. Did I mention that my lips tremble too?

It happens, especially when too much time has been spent at home doing things I love with people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I am not exaggerating but I know you'd call me a drama queen. Too bad I can't help it. I guess I am one, for good reasons I suppose?

summing up

It's almost the end of raya. On my 24th year, raya was simple and decently celebrated. And I like that. Let's hope I could make it to the 25th year, celebrating raya with a whole new meaning.

is it any better

I look at others and then I look at myself. I take a peek into their lives and I peek into mine. And slowly the inferiority emerges.

But I know I've had a great life (and still am) and I am someone. I know I am different because then there would be no Tasharina Harun, distinct from the rest.

I don't know who I am coaxing actually. Is it you or me. But I know that the answer's loud and clear; it's the latter.

This whole thing is just cliche. Everyone thinks everyone else is better. But is it really any better? Yes and no. But mine is great yo!

green with envy

Truth be told, I don't think I am a jealous girlfriend. Jealousy has never been an issue as far as our relationship is concerned, mainly because I trust him, and he does, too, in return.

But when I do get jealous--and this resentment which surges quite suddenly--I do not expect it to be over a guy. Yes, I am jealous of Rizal over his guy friend which he has been spending time with more than he does with me. No, this guy is not gay, I know for sure because he has a girlfriend of his own. I just feel that he's been turning to him almost on everything, especially when his gf is not around.

At times, I feel like I'm making mountains out of mole hills. Of course, there's nothing to worry about, but why it seems difficult to shake this feeling off? I don't know what is it that makes me so jealous. I don't mind Rizal spending time with his other buddies, but at the mention of this one name, I get very disgusted.

A dear friend of mine who used to be close to him said he's indispensable. And the only way she got away was that she fled overseas and not tell him. No, I am not joking. She actually did, but she was lucky because it was around the time she had to leave to further her studies.

As expected, Rizal just laughed it off when I told him my suspicions. I don't know if I did the right thing by confronting.

Am I even acting rationally? Or I might be simply overreacting.

a short holiday

It's surprising how I quite enjoy being directly involved with the Headcount/SAP work albeit how challenging it is. I still remember how much I dreaded it for all the headache and heartaches and look how the table has turned. I wonder if this is what I like doing, apart from the Big T(eaching).

Or probably I enjoy going out from the school once in a while for Urusan Rasmi *big grin* in which I am for two days in a row now -- which means I haven't seen my students for 2 weeks already. But I am not complaining, not at all. I am enjoying every moment of my time off from school and teaching. Weehoo!! Esok sambung cuti Deepavali sampai Monday. Oh boy. 2 weeks off man.

What more can I ask for? I hope my students don't miss me too much. Not!

Happy Deepavali to my Indian friends!

I wonder ...

... can you be so sure of something it scares the hell out of you?

time to kill

The fact that I've been coming to an almost deserted school for two days in a row and not teach seems too good to be true--although to not come at all seems like a better option. I'm not used to coming to school and relax (like totally goyang kaki), it feels weird. Yesterday, I came to school feeling totally out of place. I actually searched for work that needs to be finished -- only to find that I had none!

So here's what I observed when teachers have all the time in the world :

1. You take a detour around the school (regardless of how much you know the school, every nooks and corners) - well, just because.

2. They sit at the cafeteria for hours just because you don't get to do that on every other day.

3. One actually washes and arranges all the cutleries in the 'Makan-makan' Section of the Staffroom. That's something you can't witness in a daily basis, can you?

4. You walk aimlessly around the school.

5. You get all fidgety and actually can't wait to go into your only class that day which is not on holiday.

6. You don't seem to realise that you actually finished the whole tin of biscuits because that's what you've been doing the whole day -- munching!

7. You actually go through all the reference books and discover some which you don't even know existed.

8. You sleep 'soundly'.

9. You keep on asking "Is it time already?"

10. When the bell finally rings, EVERYONE stands up in unison!

Such a sedentary day. I wonder if this is what it feels like to work in an office, where you just sit at your own cubicle, bury your head in whatever task you have. But I guess I can't complain. After all, this is what I've been waiting for -- the ultimate privilege of just relaxing, the days saved from all the exhaustion and hassle which most of us are so used to.

The Writer

The Writer
I am a wife, a mother, and a teacher by profession. At times a pessimist and one who is easily amused. I find comfort once entering the threshold of my bedroom. I write because I want to and it makes me feel good :)