live and burn

I haven't been reading much lately--especially the newspaper. Worst, I often missed the prime time news--pretty much on a daily basis. I feel like I'm an empty vessel and the emptiness is growing on me. It's like I'm going through each day with a straight, ignorant face, not knowing what the universe has become in its on-course.

I guess I'm missing on a lot of things these days. I feel so left out. People say, live the day and don't worry about the future that much. It's so agreeable when you are saying it to others. But being one at the receiving end, it doesn't sound like a soothing advice, really. I've been going through every single day barely breathing, that I seem to forget to live the day. I come home exhausted, and the last thing I can think of is live the day when my head is one step ahead worrying about what's going to happen come tomorrow--even in my sleep.

As much as I really want to run away from it, my life is my students after all. There is never a day that I do not think of them. Rizal hardly comes to mind at times (I love you heaps, still). They come in hundreds and they took up most of the space left. I live for them. But I don't want to end up burning myself though I am already starting to feel the heat.

just a thought

It scares me to think that I might be doing the same thing come another 10 years--like, pretty much the same routine every.single.day. Ever since things at work have started to appear extremely difficult to handle, my mind has found its way to work at its best-contemplating.

No, the teaching is fine. In fact, it has nothing to do with the teaching task at all. Perhaps, change is all I need. I don't fancy the idea of being attached to one place too long a time -- I fear of developing complacency. And bored is not even the word to describe how I would end up feeling. Resent, perhaps?

Actually, I can't quite believe that I am even considering this issue. After all, this is one childhood dream that I have battled for and won quite gloriously. But I have to be honest--more often than not, I quietly wish for a better opportunity to come my way. Oh my. I don't even get it why I am reconsidering my options when I should be very thankful that I am securely employed. I did not even have to apply for it and I easily got it without worrying about any walk-in interviews.

I just wish that teachers don't have to be swamped with nonsensical stuffs, tedious paperwork, and the never ending clerical work. Of course, I would need something out of this world to make them disappear but really, if those things are not in any way burdening, I would be a lot happier.

Just when I thought my Monday couldn't get more depressing. Hurmm...

they come and go... fast.

It's already Sunday. While it seems like Friday hasn't really go away, now I have to embrace the coming of another week. I guess time waits for no man.

Before, weekends are most looked forward to for various reasons. Now, weekends are anticipated very much to a point that I can be so uncompromising to sacrifice them for things which I see as unworthy. Weekends are my most treasured gifts right now.

With my title as a 'teacher', I can never expect what is going to come my way. When I think I'm done for the week, that's when the handphone decides to beep on a Friday night that requires you to be in school tomorrow to cover a teacher who apparently cant make it for the extra class. As one who (is expected to) heed the 'saya yang menurut perintah' slogan, you have to forget the comfort of your bed and like any other working days, you wake up extra early on a Saturday morning. And there goes half of your supposedly day off.

I shouldn't be complaining, yes. We are told to expect these kinds of things back when we were still attending lectures. But, I can't pretend that I'm not the least affected. I'm not married yes, but does that mean that I am not entitled to have a life? Because there were times when I feel like I'm being used just because I am single. *sighsighsighsigh*

And I haven't been really going out, too. I really want to get super wasted on things, which obviously I can afford now with the income I've been getting. There is an endless list of things and activities which I want to indulge myself in, but, I have not--the time normally doesn't permit. Exhaustion gets the best of me and staying in is always the final option. I hope I don't sound too pathetic.

So, yes. I normally will be on hiatus during weekends, opting to spend the time with family and close buddies whom I think are deserving of my precious time. Don't mistake me for being one selfish b****, but I think you'd understand when I say quality time is very much needed for someone who seems to get chased by time itself on a daily basis. *shudders*

not a lotus eater

I have always known that I am not (at all) a clingy person and I have never belonged to any cliques. I don't fancy the idea of going everywhere with only a particular person nor being associated with any groups of friends only. I get suffocated easily. I really treasure my privacy and I'd like the boundaries to be drawn; that I enjoy spending some time to myself and that I sometimes, work best when I am alone. I guess I do not want to be too dependent on others.

So the idea of being posted to a school where everyone and everything pretty much is another world did not really bother me. Yes, anyone should be nervous with many thoughts swirling in their heads, but I was really looking forward to it. I don't mind that there will not be any familiar faces. The prospect of starting out clean and new thrills me.

What I am really trying to say is there will come a time when we need to meet other people, go to new places, broaden our minds and learn something from others. Of course, no man is an island but I think that it's also high time that some of us need to try to shed that cliquish behaviour; that obvious dependency which to me is naturally annoying.

Of course, everyone needs friends, especially a confidante. But maybe I am just not like some. Without my friends whom I dearly missed, I feel a good degree of absence, but there are times that I am happiest alone.

looking forward

There are quite a number of things or events which I am really looking forward to as of today. They are (not listed according to priority):

1. My Graduating Ceremony (as Dr. Lawrence put it).
Apart from Marjonians, the rest of Cohort 2 are already graduands thus the name Graduating Ceremony. I'm pretty ecstatic on the prospects of meeting up with my good friends whom I truly missed but I'm not too sure about the venue though. For now, I'm just thankful and excited that I'd be wearing a robe soon and will be receiving the most valuable scroll from the Education Minister.

2. Iwani's engagement
Well, another friend in the bunch who has finally decided to take her relationship to the next level. Congratulations!

3. Hood's wedding reception
This is one occasion which I've been waiting eagerly for quite some time but also one which I am pretty nervous about. It's been 7 years since I left TKC and you know how I feel about meeting up old friends/ex-schoolmates (especially TKCians). It could be inferiority. For the past three years I've met with some and the meetings normally turned out to be okay. Perhaps it is just my feelings clouding me.

4.1st of May & the 29th of May
Escape from school!!!

5. 25th of May
The pay day! Third green slip, ya?

6. Mid year school holidays.
Do I need to say more?

7. Idah's wedding
My first wedding invitation from a colleague, so it does mean something.

8. The trip down under.
Austrayyyliiaaaahhh, here I come!! I was quite shocked when ayah gave his permission for me and sister to head over to Sydney to visit the brother. So, I really hope this will come true, God's willing.

9. More and more and more weddings!
This year has got to be the most booked year for everyone to wed. It seems that everyone I know is getting married this year be it cousins, neighbours, or friends.

10. Hurmm, what about my own big day?
No, no no. No wedding bells are yet to be heard but I suppose a girl can so much dream of her own big day no? Been looking forward to it every single day but the end of the tunnel is still unseen. Oh well. As they say, I can only propose, but Allah dispose. So pray hard, lady!

And that is all I shall write today.

i want more of this kind

It's been awhile since I last saw myself being captured. I had fun and my life couldn't be better. Much love :)

don't think i know?

I find it amusing when my students discovered that I do listen to the American Rejects and yes, I sing along to the Ting Tings. Their eyes grew bigger and they leaned forward with interest, wanting to uncover more.

If you even care to ask, yes, I do watch High School Musical (reserve your comments for later!) and the ever sensational Camprock (laugh all you want). And you've got to be kidding me if you think I do not know who Bunkface is. Come onnnnn...!

FYI, I am 24 not 42. I'm not that old, am I? You know, these kids are starting to make me feel like I was born centuries ago. I have a 17 year old sister and I still go through moments when we drool over unacceptably good-looking chaps. On certain days, we have a good laugh watching the phenomenal Hannah Montana. Cut me some slack, please.

And they think they can act all cool singing The Cranberries' In your Head, disrupting the class? Hah! Terkejut berok diorang bila aku tau nama The Cranberries. I knew the song by heart (mind you) way before you kids did la. Haha

But then again, even my father listens to The Pussycat Dolls (Jai Ho!) and Jesse Mccartney.

Talking about young at heart.

2 Mawar

Fridays are always being anticipated as I can say "Thank God It's Friday!" joyfully. But it is also a day which I very much dread. On Fridays I have 5 teaching periods out of 6 periods altogether. And the extra period left often does not permit me to rest, enjoy a meal or at least have some time to myself. Relief classes will hunt me and I am bogged down with 'stuffs'. And worst, the last 2 periods with 2 Mawar which never fails to make me shudder

Today was no exception. There was a never a day with 2 Mawar that I can really teach peacefully and never once that I did not lose my temper. 2 Mawar has got to be the most testing bunch of kids I have ever encountered. They shout, shriek, and scream to each other. The girls outdo the boys as they are more violent so to speak. They hit the boys, they say vulgar words, and well, they scream very much. Bottles and chalks will suddenly be flying in the air while I am faced to the blackboard. In fact, so many things can take place within the 5 seconds that I have my back facing them. 2 Mawar scares me beyond everything. They are undoubtedly very hard to handle. I get traumatized everytime it's 2 Mawar that I'm heading to.

I once had my tears streaming down my face while I was in class. I simply couldn't take it anymore. That was the only time when 2 Mawar behaved. But it was only for 10 minutes. At least it was something. That incident helped a bit because whenever I am silent and I give them that look, one voice will say "Wey diam laaaaa. Nanti teacher nangis lagiii...!!!" Hah!

But 2 Mawar definitely colour my days. They make my teaching life more eventful. At least I have something to remember and something to talk about with my parents whenever we sit for dinner.

senang tapi susah

At this point of time, I can say that I am quite enjoying my job. Perhaps these are the days when I don't feel like stranggling my students. I just hope that I am on the right track and I hope there are some souls which I have touched. I cannot say that I have done enough because well, I merely started and I wish I could do more. But considering the givens, I sometimes have to suck it up and make do with what is in front of me.

Jadi cikgu ni senang, tapi susah dapat pahala.

Someone said this during one of the talks I attended back then. I couldn't agree more. My job is the most noble but I think sometimes some teachers forget the reason we became one in the first place. When some things are handled in the wrongful hands and when we are not ikhlas in doing what we do, that's when the pahala decrease. It's really difficult because we are dealing with humans. That they give us headaches and heartaches, and more often than not they appear to be despicable as they get under your skin.

I worry everytime when I find myself getting angry with my students. I worry when sometimes harsh words are being spoken and I worry everytime I feel that swelling regret. I have tried but sometimes I can't help it. Everything has its limits and I am just a human. And I also worry when I don't go the extra mile. I tried, but what good does it bring when you know students are not helping themselves? There were times when I regret the "Suka hati awaklah" that came out. It's not that I haven't tried, but you have to understand. I am beyond exhausted.

Then I have the other thing to bear in mind. I am not only being scrutinised under the microscope, but whatever action taken or not taken and any words spoken will affect them. I might not remember what I did or said, but they will. And that frightens me, too.

I am trying really hard to coax my mood and emotions. I do not want to lash out on my students because deep down I love them all. Semua lah. Yang kaki-kaki ponteng tu pun.

Jadi cikgu senang, tapi susah dapat pahala

If that doesn't sting you.

pregnant...not!!!

I think I am being surrounded by too many pregnant ladies that it is starting to give me weird dreams. Last 2 nights was the second time that I dreamt I am one of those ladies. It's not fun, mind you. I swore I could feel the pain of one who is in labour the first time I had the dream (yes, I dreamt giving birth to a baby but I sat upright the moment the nurse said 'push'). I was afraid of going back to sleep again. And apparently, I was 2 weeks pregnant as far as last 2 nights was concerned.

It felt too real that I nearly got a pregnancy test kit the moment I woke up (just to make sure). Laugh all you want and I won't get mad because these are the things in which I scare myself to the whimp.

Speaking of which, Kak Zu gave birth to a baby girl. I will visit you, insyaAllah.

A month ago I was having this friendly conversation with a teacher.

Me : Bila Kak Mas tu due eh?
Teacher : Entah. Bulan 5 kot.
Me : Ramai cikgu yang tunggu time je nih kan.
Teacher : Tulah.
Me : Akak dah berapa bulan dah?
Teacher : Aaaaaaa...? Akak tak pregnant laaaa....!!!
Me : *gulp* (O-uh) Eh? Ye eh? Ingat akak pregnant.
Teacher : Haaa, perut akak nih mmg macam nih. After bersalin anak kedua tak surut.
Me : Owwhhh.... sorry kak...

Talking about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. If that didn't embarrass you enough.

voice within

I'm secretly throwing a tantrum. I stomped my feet when I walk around the house, I sighed loudly, and I pat the pillow a little too loud for the house to hear.

It is Sunday and I was supposed to go out with Rizal.

But, he suddenly fell sick and who am I to go against the law of nature and God's doings. I wish Rizal well although deep down I am so sad that we won't be able to hang out.

I want to go out, breathe the fresh air and feast on the inside of a mall but dad drove my car to his Kursus Haji. Because he didn't know my plan was canceled.

I spent 6 days going to school this week, caught a fever and dealt with unmanageable stress. Am I asking too much for wanting to go out on a Sunday for Godsakes!

No one is at fault, really, but I just want others to know that I need to go out and let loose. It's frustrating that no one's paying attention to my tantrums.

Yes, I am 24 in case you're wondering.

what i've been feeling

It was a schooling day today despite it being a Saturday. I never really agreed on having school replacements on Saturdays because half of the school's population will be missing. And I had to drag myself out of my comfy bed today only to be greeted by 9 students in my class. I applaud their effort to come to school, really. I would have wrapped myself even deeper in the comfort of my blanket if I were a student myself.

There were times when I heard myself let a huge sigh of relief when some students were absent for the day. These noted students are the disruptive, difficult ones who more often than not really test my patience and my credibility. Many times I would prefer not to deal with them in class as that would definitely save me from all the bitterness and remorse.

There is a clear, definite line between a student being naughty and a student being unacceptably rude. Most of the time, I don't mind the naughty ones because they are just being who they are (in fact I quite enjoy their put ups and their ridiculously hilarious behaviour) and as a student back then, I was naughty myself. But I was never rude. If there is one thing that really set the time bomb in me, that would be rudeness. And that's when I really lost it.

The students in the latter group can really make me feel so angry with their 'selamba' face and 'selamba' attitude that it made me even furious when they talk back. You'd be surprise with how down they can make you feel and how brave of them to say certain things straight to your face and the satisfaction in their faces which send the message "you got served!". Can you imagine?

I wonder can a student or students appear to be so despicable to a teacher's eyes?

No, I am not to the point of despising any student yet although one student almost make it to the list. That is another long story which will take forever but (thankfully) I share the same fury with another teacher who is also teaching the student.

I just wish that I don't have to deal with the same disrespectful students on a daily basis. It drains all energy and the good spirit in me. I fear of getting old before time. They cause so much headache that you have to excuse me when there are times that it seems like I am PMSing sentiasa.

So people, stop saying accusingly that a teacher's job is so damn easy because you have no idea what we are dealing with in school. You have no idea, really.

a meeting to (not) remember

So yesterday broke all personal records ever since I started work in my school. I left the school compound at approximately 5.56pm and that was absolutely one heck of an achievement. And absolutely an awful experience.

School finished at 1.50pm but I had to remain there as there was the Mesyuarat Kurikulum to attend to at 2.30pm. I was the new (ehem) Penolong Penyelaras Headcount so I was required to be there (which proved to be a total waste of 3 and a half hours of my time). I just wish that meetings shouldn't be prolonged. Pretty much ruined my Thursday, but it wasn't the meeting which bothered me much. What happened during the meeting did.

The highlight of the meeting : 'quarreling'.

I appreciate that people do have their own piece of mind but things could have been discussed rationally and more 'civilised'. After all, we are teachers and we're the professionals. So, any comments or dissatisfaction should be addressed professionally so to speak. I was really taken aback with a few who I might say, went way overboard with statements which are deemed so harsh and a bit 'kampung'. I really pity the PK Kurikulum who was attacked publicly with accusations which I thought could have been saved for future personal appointments. Undoubtedly most of what was being voiced contained truths in them, but I believe we know better than not to raise our voice to people of the higher position and I believe we do know what is meant by 'saving other's face'.

It was embarrassing, really. And such a sad occurence.

And we say we are to be respected when we (read : some) still need to know how to do so.

I really think I shouldn't be there because clearly, I didn't gain anything. Everything was total gibberish and draggy and I wish I could have been saved from all the drama.

I could have gone to the gym, too, and work that cardio, baby!

I went home feeling like a total lost child thinking all the way home why was I in there in the first place? Oh, right. I am the new Penolong Penyelaras Headcount, which , in all honesty, I don't even know what I am supposed to do.

tests.

It's the second curricular assessment for my school this week. Should be a relaxing week for us teachers as we get to put teaching and learning at the back of our heads for at least 3 days tops. Now that we suddenly have this Jadual Pengawasan Peperiksaan, I can't really relax anymore as the time is extended and I am put in classes known to challenge the iman.

If you ask me, test or no test, these classes remain the same. Except a wee bit quieter. For one, they don't care if it's the monthly test, mid year exam or even the high stakes examination. When I entered the class this morning (30 minutes prior to the BM paper), a student asked so matter-of-factly "Cikgu harini periksa apa?". Exactly.

Clearly, they didn't even care. It's a pity that they're not taking their education seriously. Not that I'm saying examination is the education, but to think that they're not even aware of what's going on is so frustrating.

For the first time in my entire life, I witnessed students remained in their seats, did nothing, and some even slept throughout the entire 1 hour. Some sang songs like there is no test taking place, name-callings. You name them, they did them. When the time is up, clean, empty papers were submitted again. Bazir kertas sungguh. Meniru is so common that sometimes I am caught in between reprimanding or simply ignoring this offence. Because, really, both of them will end up giving the wrong answers anyway. You know what I mean. Haha

I told my mom. She wasn't that surprised. Perhaps she was right. Throughout my entire schooling life, I was lucky to be in the so-called better streamed class. The word 'exam' or 'test' is highly regarded that if you're not stressed by just hearing it, some checking needs to be done.

So, this scenario that I'm facing in school is totally new. While the 'kelas depan' (as they call it) is all stressed out that the test is on this week for understandable reasons (i.e. aim for as many A's as possible, will 1 hour be sufficient?, will I be able to cover everything?), the 'kelas hujung' is also facing stressful time as they will be bored to death during the entire test period. For one, they do not know what to write. And second, they had to be quiet for one hour which to them is a very very demanding task. Trust me on that.

Everything is so easy to them. They come to school as they please, and when they do, they hardly bring any books with them. Dahla dapat buku teks free. I don't know what else do they want. Makes me wonder why do they ever come to school in the first place. And they love to main kejar-kejar with the teachers. Been there, done that. Many times I ended up like a mad woman searching high and low for these missing students. It's not fun when you had to walk from block to block in your heels and your baju kurung especially on a very hot day. Yes, a teacher's gotta do what a teacher's gotta do. But for how long? I can tell you that I'm in the brink of giving up already. Why trouble yourself when deep down you know these students don't care? One student said it straight to my face, "Teacher, saya sebenarnya dah taknak sekolah lagi. Saya nak kerja je".

And so, you slowly stop pushing and forcing because you know you can't bear the fruits no more. So am I at fault then? It's for you to ponder because many times teachers are blamed for everything.

like a child

It's so easy being a child. I wish I have the heart of an innocent child. You don't have egos. You quarrel and the next minute you and the other friend become the best of friends again without feeling the least offended. You don't mind crying and fussing over things publicly because you know others wouldn't mind; because you're just a child. You can say whatever is in your mind and people won't take it too seriously because, well, just because you're a child. Because you're a child, you can get away with things.

And because you're a child, you can be possessive over things or a person and people won't even care. Just because you're a child, and a child is allowed to act that way.

But if I act that way, I know I will disgust some people and they will say "Why are you acting like a child?"

I'm telling you now. I don't have as many friends as some people do. The friends that I keep to date are very small and of whom I care and love dearly. Yes, I met many new acquaintances along the way but I prefer to go back to the small circle of friends whom I feel very comfortable with, who know me inside out. And these people are among the longest pals I have been growing up with.

So if I know that one friend is trying to 'steal' my best friend from me, and trying to be all secretive about certain things, and acting all different when I'm around, can I not freak out and be jealous? After all, we've been together for so long until the other friend came into the picture. How hurting is that? And to think that the best friend is always, always being extra nice to the other friend and even not support me when I had a fit with this other friend, is just so frustrating. I guess I am a possessive friend after all. Can I not be?

It's like some parts of me are being ripped away. I feel so dejected. Angry. And I'm starting to be hypocritical. I'm starting to find faults in every single thing that the other friend is doing or wearing or acting. Because I feel like I'm allowed to. Sometimes, I can't get myself to be happy when good things happen to this other friend. Do I feel guilty? Yes, but I don't care because I know I'm allowed to feel otherwise.

Does this make me a bad person? I don't know. But I think I'm allowed to act that way even though I'm not a child.

kisah si hang lekir

They say every cloud has a silver lining. And that there is always the light at the end of the tunnel. That turbulence do happen, but miracles will take over.

Guess what? We won. Yes, we won. We won!!

Rumah Lekir (Yellow House) was announced the best decorated tent. After all the drama, sweat and tears, we actually won. It was totally absurd, really. The tent remained crappy (in fact it turned out to be crappier due to the rain last night), but I guess we won due to the students' ability to answer the judges' questions well. And I wouldn't mind taking the credits because I know I have done my part well, too.

To think that we beat Red House's astounding decoration was way beyond my expectations. But I am really happy. Students who understood what I had gone through came to me and congratulated me saying nice things which really touched my heart.

"Teacher, tak sia2 teacher balik lambat semalam"

"Teacher thanks to you we won"

But I said "No, thank you because you answered the judges well. You made us win"

So I guess it paid off.

Actually, the tent was not really that bad. Perhaps I was driven by mad emotions.

One heck of an experience.

teamwork apekebende!

Ok. I take it back. I do mind that I am doing most of the things. I really do mind when every single thing is left for me to sort and I absolutely mind that the burden is fell upon (nothing but) my own shoulders.

First, the PIBG. Now, this.

I have sinned so much today that I just can't take it anymore. I talked behind people's back. I cursed in front of my students. And my mouth just couldn't stop. I hate what I have turned into under such circumstance. It's not me.

And for the first time, I cried in front of two teachers. I hate it because to me, it's a sign of weakness. But what more can I do when I was left all ALONE to deal with the decoration? All alone, man. That was terrible what you people did to me. I owed my sister big time and my ever so sweet student Zubaidah. She stayed till 4pm with me. The other teachers? Hilang macam lipas kudung. I hate you people right now.

And I think I ought to change my perception towards the despised woman. As much as I still have this tiny notion about you, I'm starting to feel that you might be a caring person after all. She (the despised lady) was the one who comforted me, telling me the right words at the right time. And I totally appreciate that, kak. Thanks to Kak Ina too for understanding, texting me just to check on how I was doing. Terharu gile.

I have to tell you, though, the tent looks absolutely crappy. And I don't even care.

I'm leaving early tomorrow and to my fellow AJKs - you guys are cleaning up the crap.

Oh, I'm so mad right now.

a case of the used.

Sports Day is tomorrow. I can't wait for it to come and end. I'm accounted for decorating the house tent, which I am most willingly to do. But it's just so hard to get help. I don't mind the slightest bit that I am doing most of the things. Tak ambik hati pun. In fact, it's a joy working on your own and a lot of things get to be done quick. In half an hour's time, I'll be heading to school to finish up everything. The other teachers are coming too. I hope things to be completed early. Coz I dont want to burn my Saturday!!

Did I tell you how terribly affected I was with the PIBG and Hari Kecemerlangan Akademik Day?

I got my mom to send and fetch me to school for 2 days (before I changed my mind). The reason being I have an excuse not to go anywhere and complete whatever 'chores' from her. I don't have my car with me, get it? (Thanks mama for being ever so supportive). Yes, to that extent. I was feeling all traumatic that I kept my distance from her and tried not to bump into her. Even I was surprised that I could be so affected with all of this. Her doings, I mean.

And did I mention that I'm working under her too for this Sports Day? She's the Head of Yellow House. Our Yellow House. And I have this tiny feeling that she's all relieved that I'm with her because things can get done.

Oh well. I know I am accountable after all. Haha

Don't even think I'm going to bagi muka after all of this end. I'm starting to despise you, woman!