unsent

Dear You,

I can't help but think what have become of us. It saddens me to think that we have truly drifted. I don't know if we are on the same page anymore but I hate to think that you might say the same.

I don't exactly remember when I started feeling awkward around you but I know it has been awhile. I guess it started when you went overseas, where you seem to have befriended many and became their closest. I reasoned to myself that there's no reason for me to be jealous but I remember feeling exactly that when I couldn't be part of something that you always have with them.

The emails and the chatting became less and pictures you posted in FB became sort of the medium for you to tell me what's been happening in your life. I don't put the blame on you solely because I could have tried harder to at least play my part as a friend.

When your beloved mother passed away, I (together with F) tried to make sure you're okay, checking on you from time to time online because you couldn't fly back. We were all sad but you know what's sadder? The fact that you don't seem to appreciate our concern. It's truly disheartening seeing your replies to others' comments on FB when you didn't even reply ours'. I hate myself that I had to judge you there and then.

Years passed and we're now together again. However, that uneasy feeling continues to linger. We went out, had our girls' night out but to me, they were just a play to prove something - something which I don't know exist anymore. After a while, I started seeing faults in you - something you said or do - which validate what I've been feeling : things will never be the same again.

I find it hard to understand you. You always contradict yourself which baffles me to the max. I wonder if everything you've said before bears truth in it. Quoted : "If you don't understand someone, you can't be a very engaged friend, no matter how hard you try to ooh and aah at every detail". So I gradually stopped being an engaged friend.

I could go on and on about the things that made us not exclusive anymore but I can't bear to go through the pain of reminiscing the bad rather than good. I know I could retaliate by trying to make this right, but I give up. I am done trying to figure you out. You were a good friend, one thing that everybody will agree on. But I guess you've just lost that skill of acting like one to me.

When words fail me, I cry (mostly to myself) to F, another friend who seem to be hurt by your acts too. We tried confronting you and you seemed surprise by this as you were unaware of what you've done that could have hurt us. Funny, because in the end you reacted as if you're the victim and you offered no apologies.

So you see, I am done. I've coaxed myself a million times saying that it's okay. I will never degrade myself by constantly craving your attention anymore because I think that will only make you feel wanted, not to mention making me look like a fool. I will never mention the sting of your mistakes anymore and I can only pray that the hurt and the resent will dissolve over time. And I hope that we will somehow be better over time, too.

We will still be friends, no doubt, but not like we used to be.

Love always,
Me.