me against the world

Today didn't turn out as normal as always. I was in a foul mood that even petty things triggered my hormones (and there went my temper) and I hate almost everything that I had to do or anyone that I saw for that matter.

I didn't feel like talking to anyone and that was pretty obvious I guess. I ran away from the bilik guru and tried to stay away from any teacher. A recluse, I was, for unfathomable reasons.

It was also hard going into classes considering how badly I wanted to be alone and refused any contact with any beings. And I felt bad for them students for I know I should have treated them better. It's the lashing again, but it was partly their fault too. Siapa suruh kau orang panjat keluar tingkap main2 dekat balkoni? What a stupid way of trying to be funny. Wrong timing.

It felt like it's me against the world today. Everything was not right.

Worst thing is, there's this sick feeling that's been building up inside me everytime I look at her. I want to run away, but apparently I can't.

Astaghfirullahal-azim... Ya Allah, lapangkanlah dadaku, hilangkanlah resah gelisah di hati ini...
Amin ya rabbal alamin...

life plan

Once, I dared myself a question. I didn't like the question much but I guess it was just an excuse not to hear it being said out loud. I asked myself, if ever I decided to leave this profession what would I do? I've always thought that I have Plan B, but truth is, I don't. I mean, I hear many people say that they are going to leave teaching and do something else to fend themselves but quite the majority of those who said that actually have their own plans. And they seem to know which path to lead. In other words, they've been planning and apparently I don't.

For a start, I don't think I'm going to leave. Not so soon. I've just found my footing and it'd be great to actually go through this whole teaching experience probably a few years down the road. For now, I'm giving myself 4 years tops. The duration might extend though, but then I ask myself again, for what reason am I limiting myself to the amount of years mentioned? Okay, let's say four years have gone. Great. And then what exactly?

You see? I don't have a plan. To say that I don't have any is probably an understatement. Okay, I do have plan(s), but it is so vague I don't even know what I'm going to do. They're all jumbled up and somehow they have lost that priority. Getting married doesn't count. It is sort of a planned resolution all the way.

It scares me to think that there might be nothing else that I can do that quite suit my nature. I'm not saying that teaching is totally my forte (that is even scarier come to think of it). But at least it's something that I can do. I have to. All my life, all I could remember is wanting to become a teacher/educator. I've never wanted to become an engineer, a lawyer, and doctor is definitely out of the list.

So yes. It hits me that I might be in this line for quite some time. It's a vast field. I might still be a teacher but with a slightly higher post. I'm allowed to climb the social ladder, too kan? I might be the PK or the Pengetua. Maybe I'll be a lecturer come another 10 years? Or maybe I'll remain as an English teacher. For now, it doesn't seem like a problem.

A friendly conversation with a senior teacher whom I met in a recent course soothed me a little. She said, "I would never leave teaching. If ever I was given a chance, I'd never become a lecturer. I'd probably have my Masters or pHd, but I'll still be in school. It's such a pleasant experience being around with school kids. It's undescribable. I enjoy myself" (somewhere along that line)

I guess we'll see.

Hannah who?

Now I know what not to show my students : Anything Miley Cyrus related.

Apparently, they hate her so much I can't even begin to tell you how atrocious they behaved when they saw the video.

There was 5 minutes left and I didn't know what to do to fill the time, so I just played the Hoedown Throwdown video. You know, just for fun, with the cool moves and upbeat tempo and all, only to be boo-ed. Okay, wrongly assumed.

Mereka pun tahu apa yang best and apa yang tak best.

Picture taken from here

Don't even ask why I chose that video in the first place.

the G-word

My students called me gemok. All because of that one picture.

Oh well. It was an old picture but do they have to be that blunt? Haha

I just wish they don't say it out loud every time they meet me. Or worst still, scream "Cikgu gemuk, cikgu gemok!" from one block to the other.

Terasa kena buli plak haha Not to mention tersangat malu. And boy, do they talk. News travel fast that once I entered a class for relief, a boy came up to me and asked, "Cikgu dulu gemok eh? Amir cakap". Amir itulah si culprit and he was the one to say the G-word. Ceiiss!!

But at least they say, I look beautiful every day. Hah, mengampu nombor satu!

let the pictures tell

Let me introduce you to some of them who have somewhat become part of my life.

Form 2 Siantan, my class. While they are considered the weakest class, I enjoy teaching them so much that I don't mind going into the class many time. They are willing to learn. An innocent and naive bunch and each one of them has a story to tell. They've touched my heart in every single way possible and they made me realise that if I quit, not only I'm quitting on them but I'm giving up on myself too. So the thought of leaving is always halted when they come to mind.

My ernest-looking students

Form 3 Anggerik/3 Bakawali. I teach them PJK and I meet them once a week. A very easy group to teach (they are the the better streamed classes). But when it comes to physical activities, they are quite reluctant. That is why I make it a point to do interesting activities come every Wednesday to get them to participate. These pictures below were taken during one of our sessions when we did Artistic Gymnastic. There are 2 gymnasts from these classes so it adds on to the fun as they demonstrated most of the moves. Then I divided them into groups to include all the moves I have taught (including their creative movements) and present it along with the song which I have picked, We Rock from the movie Camprock. Boy, were they happy or what! This was probably the best of our PJK sessions and they wanted more!

Denisa doing the cartwheel move

The 'bunga kuncup' formation

They pretty much look the same that I get confused most of the time :)

Lastly, Form 2 Mawar. Oh well, what can I say? Read here to know :)

The infamous trio of 2 Mawar

I can safely say that I have found my footing in teaching. Yes, patience is bitter but the fruit is sweet. And I love them all, truly :)

i could get used to this :)

One of my student submitted this piece of poem among others for the school magazine. I think I might die of too much laughing. Read it for yourself :

Friendship is a sea,
and friends are fishes,
You are my gold fish,
I will keep you safe,
If you try to go away from me,
I will fry you.
So be careful.

Now, wouldn't that make you feel fearful especially if you are one of her friends? :)

a day off

It feels so good to have the day off and just chill at home. It's my first leave of the year and I don't quite know how to feel. I've never called in sick before, even during my practicum so yes, it's new to me. Somehow, I feel a tinge of guilt for abandoning school for one day, but I can't force myself to go through a day of school in pain and facing them kids will only worsen it.

So I spent half of the day reading The Gathering which I bought recently. Only a quarter through and I don't regret buying it. Unputdownable, although I read and slept intermittently.

Apparently resting can be tiring, too. I didn't know what else to do. Going out is not an option -- that would beat the purpose of me taking leave in the first place. I didn't watch the telly just because. After all, there aren't many interesting shows on a weekday morning. So yes, my companion was the book -- even mom moves on with her daily chores and left me alone to rest.

And somehow, some people can't just leave me alone. My not coming to school today seems to bother them much, I guess. Aku cuti rehat pon orang nak kacau. Please lah. I mean, school stuffs can wait, can't they? In this case, I wish telephones were never invented.

don't know why

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Some things escape me like the smoke vanishes easily into thin air. This sinking feeling -- it gets the best of me at times. It's hard to focus when it has become the ultimate distraction. Makes me want to stay home and hide under the blanket because honestly, leaving for work every single day makes it harder. What's wrong?

so you think you know all?

Sometimes it's a little too much for me to take when you know a person is not merely telling you. Instead, he/she is actually informing you condescendingly which gags you more than it hurts you. Yes, I might not know of certain things which are of your best interest but do you have to play that Miss/Mr know-it-all attitude? It is not my concern that you needed more time to finish your 'stuffs' and I don't have to hold on to your words. If I can complete them way earlier than you did, so be it. I'm not you and I am happy I'm not. Because I am not you, we work differently. So that being said, I don't think I have to catch your wave.

I know how to manage myself and the things I do. Thank you very much.

what started out as bitter

I made my Form 4 students write a short paragraph to a friend who met with an accident recently. The purpose of this task was for them to learn how to express their concern and sympathy using the appropriate language. I prepared the get-well-soon cards beforehand and all they had to do was write in it and use their creativity by designing a suitable cover. Out of the six (this is a groupwork), this particular card won hands down. It's not so much about the cover, but what's inside :

"Dear Shahrul you are good friend, How are you? I very bz so I cannot visit you. Don't cry you cry I cry. How accident happen? I hope you head very very small. I pray you helty. Call me now 017-8875674. No credit don't call!!

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. This has got to be the most funny and most original piece of writing from a student I had ever read. And this coming from the most troubled boy in school, one who was expelled once, and also one who more often than not make me feel like quitting.

But I guess this is a good start. It made my day. I've never been so happy.