guilty?

Guilt has been surrounding me for quite a while.

And my students have appeared in most of my dreams lately.

Guilt.

I'm not sure if I'm suppose to feel guilty or otherwise.

But I know I owe my students.

I don't think I'm liking the person I have sometimes became.

Go away, pleassseeee.

barely breathing

I don't like it when I'm doing things in a rush. I hate it the most when I'm working under pressure. And I absolutely detest last minute things. Yet, those are the things I had to go face. Really reminds me of IPBA. So much patience has lost and I think I've shown the other side of me to one of my colleagues.

Having uncooperative AJK members does not help at all.

I'm really trying to breathe. So many things need to be done. And Sunday is not too long now.

And the fact that the Pengetua didn't really acknowledge my presence earlier was more than I can take.

Berlagak sangat apehal?

I don't mind receiving orders. I don't mind working under people and I'm more than happy to cooperate although most of the time I know I'm being used just because I'm new. I'm a NOVICE teacher. Yes, I get it. But when it's starting to affect my day and my timetable, what's that? I'm new, yes, but I am teaching too. It's not like you're the only teacher in the school. Pffff!!!

It's so suffocating. I'm finding time to breathe.

I hope everything goes well.

wishful thinking

I'm green with envy at my brother. I wish I could have such life he is living now. I want to go through each day without having to worry about making mistakes which will affect a generation. I want to be able to be have the kind of stress which is not that wringing. I don't mind being slammed with lots of assignment and at the same time still have time going out with buddies. I want to sleep real late and then still go for lectures the next day (with a cup of coffee on your table)because all you have to do is listen. If you don't get them, there's always the i-lectures which had been a great help. I want to able to skip work without having to worry about the tedious CRK and rest at home when I don't think I have the strength to get out of bed.

I want to go through uni life all over again because I really miss being a student. My brother has been calling almost everyday telling me and family what he's been up to and all the plans he's made. What a blessed life he has. I know I shouldn't compare and I have to be grateful. After all, I've been in his place before. The golden ticket which flew me to another land which my brother currently resides had offered me the best of uni life I can ever asked for. I guess that's why I don't mind doing it all over again. Abundance of assignments is nothing compared to the kind of workload that I have to deal right now.

I'm happy that he's happy. But it is so enviable that he's been to that rugby show which I didn't get to go last time. Grrrr!!!

And school starts tomorrow. In which I should be happy about. Tee-hee...

14 years.

Met Nazliah for lunch today. She looked so radiant and absolutely cute with her swollen belly hehe I can't quite register the very fact that she is going to be a mother soon. Oh boy. It's just unbelievable. I touched her belly. It felt surprisingly ... soft. All this while I thought it would feel just like the watermelon. She talked about how the baby's been kicking more furiously this time (auwwww), the preparation she's been doing, and a whole lot of things which I must admit, were quite new to me. And I can't quite believe I'm having such conversation with my beloved. I'm sure she's all ecstatic, counting the days.

Although married and soon going to be a mom, I'm happy that we're pretty much on the same wavelength. For the most part, we can still talk about things that we used to chat about many many years ago. Of course, she has a husband to talk about and her in-laws. But we still share the same interests. Her priorities might have changed and we don't meet or talk that often, but I know we are both here to stay.

Nazliah is one of the longest and oldest pal I have ever known. We were both really young when we first met and knew each other. At 7, who would have thought that the friendship would last to this very day. She might not know all of my secrets and there were times when I don't run to her for support, I know we are still the best of friends. I know I am not known of certain things in her life, but I don't mind, really. If you ask me, it's really hard to define our friendship because we're not like how best friends would normally be. But I know we absolutely cherish each other's existence and the joy that one brings to the other.

I know that I have hurt her before and I wished I could have said the right things, but I guess those things somehow made me realised what kind of a friend I am and has been. That sometimes, I can be quite ignorant and insensitive. That I might be just a tad too egoistic.

Our lives are so much intertwined that I guess we can't really run away from each other haha Our parents are friends. Our younger sisters go to the same school and like us (too) they have known each other since they first stepped foot into primary.

Oh well. It's been 14 years, babe. I guess we're growing old together. Hehe

taken away

Looking at kids and teenagers today, I cannot help but feel sorry for them. They are growing up too fast. Whatever happens to innocence and being carefree?

More and more young ones are behaving like they’re 20-year-olds. They dress up like one. Girls apply make-up on their faces. Boys as young as 12 smoke the cigarettes like they’re eating cotton candy. And don’t even mention the competitiveness for brands which I think is simply ridiculous. I know of a young girl who wears everything from Miss Selfridge, Topshop, and MNG at the age of 12! And I had my first pair of jeans from Miss Selfridge at the age of 19. I don’t even have any items from Topshop. And I don’t think that is a huge problem.

It is a saddening fact that teenagers nowadays are more exposed to things which are mostly negative. It’s not just how they dress-up. But it’s the behavior that is worrying. I meet my students every single day. Each and every one of them has a story to tell. Once, I was caught off-guard when I overheard some of my boys talking so openly about love-bites. I mean, at 16? I don’t even know what love-bite was until I was in college. Yes, I was that naïve. God knows what other things they have indulged themselves in. I was even dumbfounded when a boy (quite renowned to the whole school for his attitude of skipping classes and other things) asked me so matter-of-factly “Cikgu dah kahwin? Cikgu ganas tak?”. I am 24, and I’d be so stupid if I didn’t get the message. My point is, they are way more advanced than we thought they are. I know they watch stuff. After all, they’re boys. But is that all they can ever talk about in school? Berlagak orang besar konon.

Another pressing issue : Merempit. This is the most talked about topic in my school. I bet in other schools, too. Let me ask you one thing : What contentment can you gain from merempit like crazy people on the road? I simply cannot understand this. My Form 2 boys speak of how they did this aksi and that aksi on the road the night before so proudly while completing the task I gave in class. Whatever happened to sepak takraw, selipar tiga or galah panjang?

Many weeks before, the Discipline team in my school was busy discussing about a Form 5 girl who had been identified wearing make-up to school. I laughed when I came to know of this matter. Pergi sekolah pun nak apply make-up ke? Doesn’t she know the rules? Or perhaps she’s just challenging the system. And here I am still bared –face with no knowledge on how to apply even the slightest layer of make-up.
I don’t understand why they want to be grown-ups so much.

I know of young kids who had to grow up because they don’t have a choice. They had to sell kuih-muih from house to house after school to help support the family. I know of my girls who had to act as the mother and cook everyday because mom is not feeling well or because their parents are out working. If given a chance, do you think they would want to sacrifice their childhood and step into adulthood so soon? I bet the answer is no.

And we have the other group of kids who so want to be adults but obviously they don’t even have a clue how being one is. They think they know, but they don’t.
Cherish your younger days. You’ll eventually be an adult when the time comes. Don’t rush into it. Because clearly, it’s no fun when you have to start paying bills and pay for your own stuff. Go out and play. Be carefree.

definitely, maybe.

I have every reason not to think about school too much – the one week holiday which I had anticipated ever since the Chinese New Year holidays and the fact that I have been overworked ever since I first started. However, I failed. Never a day that passes by without having my school in thoughts. Weird, considering how badly I want to free my mind from it.

I’ve been thinking about my students and what I want to do with them once the school commences. I’ve been thinking about the upcoming English Week and the things that I will be in-charge of. I’ve been thinking about the week when the checking of books of my Form 4 will take place. Yadi yada bla bla bla. All the things which are school-related, you name them, they are constantly on my mind.

Perhaps, I like being occupied. I like it when there are so many things to do with so little time in hand. Maybe, I like being in the staffroom with the ever so friendly teachers. Maybe, I like it when students pay me a surprise visit when they make a de tour to my place on their way to the toilet or on their way back to the classroom. Or possibly, I like being in school, where everything is so hectic yet so perfect. I like it when time flies damn fast when I’m busy.

Now, while I am relaxing at home like nobody’s business, I don’t feel right. It’s like there is something which I have not completed. It’s like there are things which need to be attended, but I can’t quite figure it out. I guess my days aren’t that eventful.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this : Tasha cannot wait to get back to school.

And that is really something.

emo.emotions.emotional.

We are humans born with emotions. Emotions colour our lives and emotions make us human so to speak.

We laugh because we're happy. Because we're tickled by some things which we think of as funny.

We cry not only because we're sad or down, or because we're hurt, but also because miracles do happen. That He does answers our prayers.

We get angry because we're mad or because we don't get what we want.

What I'm trying to say is, our emotions are perfectly mould to the right occasions and the right circumstances.

But I don't blame people when their moods gone wrong and they can get a little bit emotional. That they get angry more than they should be. That crying is deemed more appropriate than trying to laugh at their problems. I can absolutely understand that. After all, it's personal.Everyone's gone through that. I've been through it, too.

However, what I don't get is why would you lash others just because you're having a hard time with yourself or God-knows-what? It makes people feel so offended. And it's not the first time, thank you. It's been countless times already that it's left me clueless with your attitude. We're not born to put up with your unforeseen tornado.

Please don't make me lose my patience because I gotta tell you that it's wearing thin.

Stop being so emo. It makes you inhumane.

run baby run!

Ooo-kayyy.

What do you do when an Andy (Estranged drummer) look-alike took the spot next to you and ran on the treadmill with so much style and macho-ness?

a. You turn your face slightly to the right - reason being StarWorld is at the far end of the many Tvs when in actual fact you're trying to take a peek at his flawless face and figure

b. You keep on running, keep a straight face and watch the ever so boring How It's Made on Discovery - Konon2 shy when deep inside you are dying to take a second look at him

c. Stop running and go do another workout where you can see him clearly.

Right. Not exactly a world problem, but if you were put on the spot what would you do?

Surprisingly, I ran much longer than I normally do. In fact, he stopped before me despite him coming a wee bit later than I did. Heh.

Talking about the aura of the manly men. God, this is embarrassing.

not so substantial

I never thought that trying to blog again is going to be so difficult. I have so many things swirling in my mind, and I kinda have some of the time in the world, yet I refuse to go online and let the thoughts flow. But whenever I do, I couldn't even write properly. The idea is just not there. I worry that I might lost my writing skill.

It is the holidays and I can't say that I'm resting much. I still have abundance of work to finish - mostly marking my students' books. While I used to think it is one hell of a fun task, I'd like to take it back. Dealing with unreadable writings and non-existing words REPEATEDLY are so freaking annoying! Not to mention absolutely tiring. Only the third month, I have 'gobbled' down 2 red pens. Never in my entire life have I finished using 2 pens in the cost of 3 months. You have to understand, I'm using a lot of red inks these days. Including writing report cards. You'll get the idea what kind of students I'm dealing with.

But I'm not going to talk about them here. At least not today. I'm taking a break from everything SMKBBSS. Just thinking of that school makes me shudder and ... well, slump.I'm serving at a school which is nowhere near to ideal or perfect. But I guess I have to be thankful for I still am given the chance to stay at my parents' home and be able to travel to and fro every single day without trouble. Change is all I have to do. And yet, making changes is not easy. Alright, enough. Nothing more about school.

You know what? I have nothing else to say really. I might as well pen-off and come back when I have something substantial to say. Even ramblings must be substantial, no?

Off to the gym!

TGI Monday!

It's only Wednesday! And when Friday comes, I can't even say "Thank God it's Friday" because the working days don't seem to end this week for me. I have another camping to attend to this weekend which requires me to be in school with the students. Another sleepover. Yeay. How fun. (Oh please). The students love camping in school rather than having all the comfort they can get at home. And I've been coming home late every single day for the past week and this week is no exception either.

I'm so tired. And I'm just a subject teacher (for now), without any other mounting workload to attend to if compared to the other teachers. And I just don't understand why the work doesn't want to end. They're piling!! Consider me lucky that I'm still single without any other priorities. I wonder how the other teachers cope.

I'm starting to feel that I don't really have much of a social life anymore. I don't hang out during weekends as much as I used to, I hardly see my buddies although we're staying just a stone's throw from each other, and I miss window shopping! It's pathetic! I do make plans, but when the weekends say hello, I stayed in most of the time; spend more time with myself.

You have to understand, I hardly watch the box during weekdays, and every night is an early night. The many (interesting) novels I bought which I so eagerly want to read are left untouched. I simply don't have time anymore. (But I keep buying them anyway. I will find the time. I will).

And I hardly see Rizal, too. We're both very busy people kot. Haha

Thank God Monday is a holiday! But then I might stay in, too. My bed doesn't get that much of a person since I've started work! (Oh boy, I hope the last sentence doesn't sound wrong)

I'm proud to be what I am

Talking about work is excruciatingly difficult because it has the potential to make me either love it or hate it. But most of the time the first (expectedly) outdo the latter. No matter how many times I tried seeking solid reasons as to why I shouldn’t be in this supposedly professional profession, I mellowed down whenever those rascals come to mind. Yes, my students. Just as much as they get on my nerves almost all the time and no matter how they always make me tear up when I’m all alone, they somehow have this power to make me think of them fondly.

Quite unfathomable. But maybe I have a kind heart.

I remember feeling so sad and indisposed during the second week of teaching. I cried waking up to the sound of the morning birds. I cried because they woke me up ; which meant I had to get ready for school – something I didn’t want to do. The journey to school was so melancholic that I tear-up all the way. I remember not wanting to go into my classes because I didn’t think I could do it. I couldn’t face my students and act like nothing was wrong, that I have the bravest heart. I was so emotionally-driven that when reflected upon, I was being ridiculously childish. I remember crying over the phone, spilling everything to Rizal, telling him that I wasn’t fit for this job (which I used to love), that I hate my students for making me feel this way. I was a total wreck. In fact, I had even mentally planned on paving my way out from the system with the help from the ever supportive boyfriend. It was so absurd, I can laugh my heart out just thinking about it right now. My parents? Well, I didn’t think they should know.

Honestly, I kinda knew what was wrong. It was nothing. My emotions were toying with my brain. I got caught and I let my feelings take control, thus the irrational behavior. Somehow, I managed to regain my senses. It took me awhile to get back to reality and that involved a lot of courage and many self-motivations. I wonder whether it was just me or the rest are feeling the same. Turned out, I wasn’t the only one. A few dear friends were in the same boat.

I wonder, can interest and passion grew and then fade? Teaching is something I am quite passionate about and it grew during my practicum. But when the real deal is right in front of my eyes, it’s ironic how things have turned. And I feel guilty for not being defensive about my choice of vocation. Is it the surrounding? Or do my clients play the most part?

But I am still here. And I can confidently say that I am here to stay. I try to open my heart and look at things positively. I say my prayers everytime I enter the school compound and each time I set foot in my classes. I want to be the teacher for these children. I want to teach them no matter how difficult they’re behaving and how affected my life can be with their behaviour. I love my students although they might not care the slightest of all the little things I do.

No matter how exhausted a day at work can be, and how it can drain my spirit, I am here to stay because no other jobs can offer me an absolutely eye-opening life experience where naïve and innocent souls are met every single day.

I love my job and my students because they teach me more than what learning English can give.

I’m proud to be a teacher cum educator.And I'm going to say that to myself every single day.