9/11

While the world will always remember the 9/11 attacks, I will forever remember this date as the day when Luqman was successfully weaned off. 

Yes, like finally.

It was emotional. The tears mostly came from me, especially after he had gone to sleep crying. It was during the silence of the night, with him curled up next to me that I realised the finality of that particular relationship of ours. 

The drama was just that night. Colgate did the trick, much to my surprise. The next day, he did ask for a feed but I told him it's going to be minty hot just like yesterday and he responded with a head shake. And the rest was history. Alhamdulillah, Allah had made it easy for both of us.

I still feel a little sad whenever I see him, especially when he's sleeping. But I have to tell you, the aftermath of weaning off your toddler is so so liberating! At the same time, you sort of witness him grow to be more independent and the big brother traits seem to shine even more. Alhamdulillah! Couldn't be more happier. 

And I can now concentrate more on Adeena. 

To Luqman, 

Thank you. And that's all I have to say :)

Ummi loves you so much.

Hari Cikgu

16th May 2014.

A day of celebration for people like me.

At the same time marking my sixth year in the profession. 

6 years of a roller coaster ride.

Let's face it. Being a teacher is hard work. Like, really. Glamorous? Rarely. And yes, hard work is ultimately rewarded but I guess there is something to be said for being lucky, too.

After all these years, it takes a lot of patience and some 'sufferings' to make it as a teacher. Yes, it is. You have to be not only emotionally strong, but also mentally tough. These years have toughened me up to deal with the reality of being on the path as an educator especially in today's world. 

That this is not an easy path I have chosen. I could've chosen other cushy jobs in an air-conditioned room/workplace, but instead I took this road of teaching, knowing fully well it would be rocky and miserable at times. Also knowing there would be victories and triumphs along the path as well.

That this is indeed a tough way of making a living. But like I said, I chose to stay. And thankfully so. Because teaching is indeed a gift and a blessing (although wearing different hats can get pretty exhausting)

To my students,

Thank you for being my teachers; teaching me how to see in the eyes of a teen and for letting me touch your lives in any way possible.

 

To my fellow comrades,

I hope we can all co-exist and share in the challenges that this path offers. Think of the uplifting stuffs rather than the negative ones. Embrace the trials and tribulations though they maybe hard to swallow.

Remember, we have all honored ourselves when we chose to become a cikgu. 

May the force be with you and me, always.

Happy (belated) Teacher's Day! 

Me.

Teacher's Day 2014

A Birthday Wish

Dear Soraya Adeena,

I still couldn't believe that you've turned one. I feel like time is playing tricks on me. You grow right before my eyes, yet I feel like you're that newborn I first held when I pushed you out of my womb. 

I didn't know then what a challenge having two kids would be, how it is never the same as having just one child to focus on. I didn't know that I would spend most of the next year exhausted, cranky and not as a wonderful mother I would love to be. 

Sometimes, I feel guilty for not being able to give you my attention; what with having to handle your brother at the same time. And in those moments of frustrations and tiredness, I have to constantly remind myself that I am just another mother trying my hardest to be the very best.

I will  never forget the smiles, the gurgles and the eagerness you've always shown in my presence. The shimmer of your eyes and that beautiful sparkle will always melt my heart. You're that star that will always shine our lives. 

My beautiful baby girl,

Despite our ups and downs, the screaming, the madness, the tears and the laughters, I still would not have it any other way. You will always be our precious one.

I will always love you will all my heart. May our days be filled with so much happiness and may we grow in closeness. May you forgive me for not giving you the things that you deserve and may you love me back despite my failings and weaknesses. My prayers will always be with you, Adeena.

Happy 1st Birthday Little Girl!

 

Love,

Your Imperfect Ummi.

Expenses and savings

"A man who both spends and saves money is the happiest man, because he has both enjoyments" Samuel Johnson

Living on our own proves to be a challenge where expenses and savings are concerned. I think many would agree that no matter how difficult, our wants and needs have to be clearly marginalised because the budget has now gone tight.

I am not a shopper to begin with. Shopaholic? Not even close. But I like to buy (read : treat) myself things which are worth to be spent on. Being a girl that I am, mostly those things are girly things; clothes, books, shoes, handbags, accessories. Now that I am a mother, most of my spendings are directed to buying my kids stuffs, sometimes more to my liking than theirs. But because now I have a tight budget, these things are not a luxury anymore. Our savings and expenses are now on matters which are far more important.

  I have become someone who would think twice where spending on 'wants' is concerned, and I have learned to accept the fact that yes, one simply will not die because of this. And because of that, I have become more 'mature' in my spending (but one who needs constant reminding from le hubby hehe). Of course, it is not easy. It never was. But we gotta do what we gotta do. Living in an era where everything just skyrockets, following a stringent spending frame is inevitable if you do not want to be swamped with debt. 

Having said that, of course the wants for things is just unavoidable, especially when it's payday. Truth be told, I have never felt happier come 25th every month because when you are literally living from paycheck to paycheck, that one day of the month is like a breather. That one day gives you hope that you can treat yourself even if it's just a scoop of BR's Chocolate Mousse Royale. And you can start dreaming again on saving and buying things that would make your heart blossom.

But you know, one thing that I have greatly learned from our financial situation and management is that, enough is better than too much. So true isn't it? And it's not like we're dead poor or something (to put it bluntly). Allah's rezeki has been with us all along. It has never been short of generous although it might not be as abundance as everyone else's. And I believe that all the things that He has eased for my family and I - that is the ultimate Rezeki, I think. 

So, yes. For now, everything is sufficient for us. Everytime if I think I have extra, I would think of the time when I have almost none, and those people who suffer a greater deal than us. If we fasten our attention to what we have, rather than what we lack, a very little wealth is sufficient, no? 

Because materialistic wealth, as we are well aware of, will not be our companion to the other world. Let us work hard and start saving for the real afterlife, insyaAllah!

Public parenting

Kids don't always behave as we'd like when we're out and about. When they are out, they get extra excited and off schedules that their behaviour can be particularly challenging. The hard part is not only we, as parents have to be extra creative (and patient) to help our child cope in a way that is acceptable and doesn't infringe on the right of others, we have to do it in front of an audience, for whom we struggle under their judgmental gaze. 

How many times have you felt urged/coerced into parenting in a way you don't normally do because you were in a public situation? I know we have and just recently, our public parenting is put to the test. Like really put to the test.

It was last Friday night, at a talk by the renown Islamic scholar Mufti Ismail Menk, that we have never felt so embarrassed, our instincts were compromised and our parenting skills were probably being scrutinised.

I still remember how my husband asked me repeatedly whether or not I am pretty sure to bring our kids to the talk. My answer was a firm yes, reason being if we do not try we will not know the outcome. Plus, if we really want this, insyaAllah with Allah's mercy He will ease everything for us. So, the five of us, together with bibik, we made our way to the venue. 

Luqman, upon arrival, was all fidgety and over excited. He didn't want to walk. We had to keep up with his pace for he was running all the time. At first, we quite enjoyed it and some strangers even seemed floored by his cute antiques. And then when he started asking for 'susu' I began to feel burdened and I actually panicked. He was showing signs of tantrums so I scooped him out of the venue and fed him at a disclosed area until he was satisfied. Pheww! Before entering the tent, I even talked to him nicely saying that he has to behave and sit with ayah all the time. He said 'Ok!" But, who are you kidding??

The next one and a half hour was probably the longest we had to endure, no kidding. Luqman was somewhat out of control, running here and there, to and fro along the aisle and he screamed in the dead silence of the talk. He was in his own world, acting like he's Ultraman, kicking here and there, showing off his heroic stunts.  He fell a few times, to add to that. He acted out worse when my husband grabbed him for him to stay put (I mean, of course). And at one point, he ran almost to the centre stage that my husband jumped up from his seat and ran towards him and carried him back. 

And I was there at my seat, wishing I could dig a hole and hide my face there. My heart was in constant fear that he would do something inappropriate at an event that is so appropriate. I was so well aware that all eyes were on us. Yes, we're his parents and we should know how to control our kid but apparently, my friend, it's not that easy. Yes, we know that the audience have the right to a talk that isn't dominated by our kid, but I think you'd agree with me when I say that focusing too much on what others will only undermine our ability to help our child. I kept on consoling myself by saying, "Don't think of what they might say. Just focus on him. Focus!" at the same time catching the apologetic smiles from other understanding parents.

"Why don't you remove him from the situation?"

You think I didn't think of that? The thing is, there was really no way out. The whole place was like swamped with attentive audience. Though seated at the back, the audience that formed another crowd outside the tent made it difficult for me to move and disappear as quickly as possible. So, I had to just stay put and put on my extra alert tentacles on for Luqman. I smiled with gritted teeth, too. At that point, I just couldn't be bothered anymore and was silently praying for the talk to end fast. Honestly, I barely focused on Mufti Menk's talk (thank God for the recorded one) and when he did, I stood up with both hands on the air, letting a huge sigh of relief.

On our way back to our car, some strangers smiled to us and I smiled back, knowing that they knew. One lady actually stopped at us, and said what an active boy he was. Apparently, he successfully stole the limelight that night. We took that as a compliment and when we held each others hands, I told my husband, congratulations on surviving Luqman. And we laughed.

Had we been more authoritarian, Luqman might or might not behave either. I think we'd done as much as we could. But of course, he can't always get away with his carefree behaviour. We as parents need to tell him nicely and be persistent if good outcome is to be expected. 

Those strangers at the talk? Well, we probably won't see them again. Sometimes, we all have bad days. And you'd understand if you're a parent yourself. As for us, we have learned a great deal from our kid. Will we ever regret bringing him to public events? No. Because now we know better how to deal with him, insyaAllah :) Experience is our greatest teacher!

There's Luqman in his white jubah. Picture taken from Sinar Harian online. I was there somewhere, hiding :)

Never stop

I am feeling a lot of things lately. With recent happenings, I can't help but feel sad. Well, sad doesn't really sum up my inside. This tremor has left me scared, anxious. Angry, even. At one point, I think I wasn't feeling a thing. I just couldn't be bothered because it was just too much for me to digest. 

 It's a sign, for sure. A very clear message to us, the forgetful. A warning, a wake-up call for us to sit up and repent. We have drifted so far, whether or not we realise it. 

There's just so much that we can do, but in the end, He is the most powerful.

Kun fayakun.

May we never stop praying. May we always be under His blessings. And may we always, always be those among the righteous, the good, amin!

sleep debt

Sleep deprivation is an inevitable part of having a baby/small kids, and surely that's been true. For ladies/mums especially, our sleep deprivation starts in pregnancy when our sleeping is a discomfort due to our growing belly and the frequent visits to the loo that disrupts our sleep. 

Sleep deprivation is one area of parenting that I personally have experienced enough. I am sure all of you new parents do too. Having two kids under three is challenging and up until now, I am so well aware of my sleep debt. However, I think that after awhile, we forget how much sleep we're missing and daytime yawns become our new normal, no?

That wonderful, nightly activity that involves closing your eyes and remaining horizontal for eight hours (or more) until sunrise? I can't even remember the last time I had that kind of sleep. Probably not for the next few years, too. 

However, we are lucky that our kids are good sleepers once they grow. We were zombies for the first three months of our babies' lives as they were struggling to adapt their sleep patterns. For now, they sleep well with a couple of rises at night for their feeding. But even these are expected because we have already tuned into their sleeping patterns. It's just that they are early risers, too. So, snuggling in bed during weekends or during our holiday getaways remain a wishful thinking. 

There are times when they have interrupted sleep, waking up every half-an-hour, especially when they're down with any sickness. That time is usually the hardest because that also means less (read : no) sleep for us parents. It's a hurculean task, to be awake at night, and yet we still do it. 

I always, always promise myself that I will definitely catch up on my sleep when the kids are asleep, but almost everytime, too, I break that promise (much to my husband's dismay). True, I don't get enough of sleep and don't even get me started on how tired I have been, but it is that treasured ME time. To be able to read a novel in the awakening silence of the day, to be able to watch the telly while lying on the sofa with the remote in one hand, to be able to enjoy a sip of coffee and breathe in the aroma, or to be able to just take a long hot shower are all the things that need catching up too. And it feels so good to actually do that without disturbance. 

Yes, sleep deprivation sucks, but after our second baby I think we have managed our sleep debt quite well. Our experience with our first kid had taught us pretty well at handling sleep at the same time juggling responsibilities. I could say that our sleep is also 'efficient' in the sense that when it is time to sleep, we really sleep, no tossing or turning or doing other unnecessary things. We're also getting better at taking power naps (my husband is a champ!). Somehow, our past experience makes us prioritize sleep more, and at times when I am just so tired I crash hard at every opportunity hehe But that is on days when I just couldn't be bothered with housework or anything else and decides to cut myself some slack.

I guess as long as we still have our kids with us, keep counting our sleep debt :)

postpartum weight

Every woman who delivered would have at least one common thing in mind; to shed their pregnancy weight pronto. Me, included. 

I remember putting on so much weight during my first pregnancy that I actually worried about not getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  But I guess I am among those who don't seem to have problem with that (much to my surprise). I have to thank the corset that I wore and breastfeeding of course, for letting me get back to my ideal weight. 

However, it took me awhile to shed those fat. Face it, we put on weight for a duration of nine months prior and it's not going away overnight, isn't it? Plus, as a first-time mum, we need to recover from childbirth that losing weight immediately isn't such a good idea. I didn't go on a fad diet (I didn't even have time to even think of dieting). Like I mentioned, breastfeeding really helps in shedding my weight. 

Then, the second baby came along. I was quite confident that I would eventually get back in shape, in which I did. The corset and breastfeeding were  (again) my plan. No dieting, no exercising. I continued to eat healthy and watched what I consumed in order to be energetic and be the best milk supplier to my babies. In fact, I had enough on my plate to constantly be active. Handling a toddler and a newborn is definitely an exercise of the physical, emotional and mental. 

And, the pregnancy weight just went off like that. Now, no pregnancy pooch, no wriggly thighs and arms. In fact, I am very much surprised at how 'normal' my postpartum body looks. No stretch marks, too, if I may add. 

Before you mums start to roll your eyes and babble on what a show-off I am, let me just clarify one thing. The fact that I lose so much weight this time around makes me concerned a little bit. I didn't realise that I am way lighter than my pre-pregnancy (and even pre-marriage) weight until more than 5 people actually commented of how skinny I looked. Yes, skinny. And to me, that word was enough to make me alarmed and I went on the scale for the first time in months and got myself a surprise. The number that appeared was the lightest that I have ever been in my entire adult life!

While some people might rejoice with such weight, I didn't. I became so concerned that I actually thought I might be sick. I was very much affected. My BMI showed that I am underweight. The fact that more and more people kept on commenting on how thin I have become didn't help at all. 

The thing is this; it is definitely out of my control and beyond my expectation that I would finally come to such physical state. When asked, the only reply I would repeatedly give is breastfeeding. And that is totally it. Exhaustion? Yes, maybe. But no, I do not go on a crash diet. And it hurts when some actually gave such remarks. I was down for a couple of weeks and meeting people became a forced thing. I was worried and embarrassed that people would comment on how I look. 

But fret not. I regained my confidence and I am now taking a positive outlook on things. For one, I should be more than grateful that I am actually healthy and my weight is one that others are silently wishing for. Second, I am still active, running here and there. Third, I don't have to worry about dieting and I can stuff my mouth with whatever I feel like eating (of course taking into account the healthy meals). And of course, last but not least, I know myself and my body better so any negative remarks will be flushed out. 

Yes, I admit I do look thinner but I am not scrawny and frail-looking. My husband has a nice and funny way of putting it; budak gemuk yang kurus. 

For now, I am trying to put on a few kilos to get into the ideal weight group. Other than that, I am just one thin, happy mama :)

Luqman's allergy test

A few weeks back, my husband and I were alarmed by those red blotches that suddenly appeared on Luqman's skin. Having never to deal with such situation before, I, for the most part, was scared to death. To me, those blotches were just terrible and from the way Luqman's been scratching the spots, I can only imagine the itchiness felt. 

We didn't go to the clinic immediately. We took off his pyjamas, bathed him in cold water, patted him to dry and applied some virgin coconut oil all over his body before putting on his pyjamas back. The redness subsided within 30 minutes but from our monitoring that night, those blotches seemed to appear at some other spots on his skin. We had to be on the lookout throughout the night just so Luqman doesn't scratch himself. The next morning, his skin was clear, much to our relief. However, within the next few days, the redness came and went, but it wasn't as severe.

We were just clueless. It wasn't his eczema attacking because the symptoms weren't so. As much as I hate to admit it, I voiced it to my husband, that Luqman's skin is probably reacting due to some allergies. We did bring him to the clinic and showed the doctor the pictures we took of the redness (because there weren't any on his skin at that time), and both doctors confirmed that it is due to allergic. 

ALLERGIC. One word enough to make my heart dropped. Dealing with his eczema is already challenging enough, and now this? My husband was more positive on his outlook by saying that it is probably not that bad.

 So after our visit to his paediatrician, we decided to end the teka-teki and booked an appointment for a skin prick test to determine his allergy. Luckily for us, Luqman's paed is also an allergy expert who does research in that field. He was the one who suggested for Luqman to take the test.

So last Wednesday was the day.

I was all ready but at the same time nervous. Luqman was being his usual active self but I knew things will change once we are in the room. And I was right. At the call of our number and upon entering the paed's room, Luqman actually stopped and said no. To him, entering that room meant a 'gift' is on the way. Little did he know, he will be getting 16 pricks that day *tsskk!*

My husband carried him inside and he held onto him like it's his life he's holding on to. He refused to look at the doctor at all and as a mother, it was enough to shatter my emotion. 

 When we took of his shirt, his mouth started to shiver and his grip got stronger. 

Anyway, a little bit about this prick test. It is a test where 16 allergens will be applied on the back of the body. Prior to this test, no medicine especially flu and cough syrup to be consumed so as to validate the test. Once the allergens are applied, each one will be pricked so that the allergens can react to the body. Which ever allergens showed redness and the skin is elevated, that means one is allergic to that allergen. 

The back of Luqman was numbered so that the allergens will be easily identified. He didn't let go of his grip throughout the time.

I mean, who wouldn't right? His cries were just heart wrenching but they stopped once the doctor was done with the test. I have to say, our Luqman is one strong boy. He aced it even if his cries were just a show haha I guess it's the fear of having someone taking charge, not so much of the pain.

We had to wait for about 20 minutes after that to see the results. My heart drummed so loud I could literally feel my chest thumping. When the time finally arrived, as expected, Luqman refused to go into the room again haha This time, it was me he clanged onto. 

When the paed took a look at his back, he confirmed that yes, Luqman is indeed allergic to two things :

Who would have thought??? All these while we were pretty sure that he's allergic to dust mites.

My mind immediately transported to that time when the redness suddenly appeared. I didn't think I had consumed crab or peanut that day or the day prior that could have triggered his allergy, but such test won't lie doesn't it?

So there. Now that we know the cause, we know how to rectify the problem. Anything peanuts and coloured seafood are to be avoided by me (as long as I am still bf-ing him) and Luqman. The paed also mentioned that these allergens might have triggered his eczema, too. But because Luqman has sensitive skin, a minor bite can cause a terrible swelling and redness; papular urticaria (I have talked about his type of eczema before). However, his allergy is nothing too serious. Just a mild one but it is worth taken care of so as not to land him in a worse condition. We were also advised to do this test annually up until he is 6 years old just to check whether or not his allergy gets better or worse. 

For now, everything seems to be good. But the scorching hot weather these days kinda takes a toll on his skin. The heat causes him to sweat, and the sweat causes itchiness on certain parts of his skin that in turn makes him scratch and the end result is redness. Poor boy. We have to constantly apply moisturiser to lock the moisture on his skin so that the dryness can be avoided.

To those of you who think that your kid might be allergic or is constantly sick, down with flu and what not, I'd suggest you take this skin prick test. Your kid might be allergic to something. Even if he is not, there's nothing to lose if the test comes out negative. At least, you have one thing to be relieved about.

Of tests and rewards

It saddens me to know that most of my friends' kids are down with sickness - it's the season, they say. I certainly understand the despair felt, the constant worry that lingers, and that hopeful feeling everyday wishing they would recover immediately.

As the mother, one has to be in strong and good spirit to make sure that her kid(s) are doing okay at the same time getting all the support she needs from her other half. However, at times, the strength needs to be doubled and sometimes tripled when her husband is sick himself. Been there, done that. It was definitely a testing phase for me, having to care for my sick child and also attend to my husband who was down with fever at the same time. And I was during my confinement period, to add to that. I was, indeed in the brink of breaking. If it wasn't for my strength and Allah's mercy, I would have lost my sanity.

What I have learnt is that, just when you thought you don't have anyone around you to lean on, to have their support, we forget that Allah is always with us. He tests us because He wants us to rely on Him, and trust Him that he will make everything okay. 

And I also learnt that He is the best companion in times we need a shoulder to cry on, because in the end He is the one that we will eventually turn to. He doesn't judge and our pouring is best kept secret. 

Whenever I feel like everything is just too much too handle, when things are just too overwhelming, I instantly know that He is watching and He is actually assessing my reaction. This helps me to regain my composure and contain my feelings so as not to act compulsively which in turn will make me weep in regret.

Having small kids, is no doubt the best test of all. And they are our best teacher,  teaching us values and pushing us to give our best and be the best not just to their eyes, but also His.

I pray that all of us mums, will be granted that patience needed, the strength to carry on our amanah dutifully and always be the best that we can. 

Do it for our kids and do it for Him, insyaAllah.

Hang in there, friends because indeed, we are all on the road to collecting Jannah points and rewards, insyaAllah!

Blissful

"The whole point of the week is the weekend"

My weekend kickstarted early. I was already on holiday since Thursday *yeayy!*

I can never begin to express how grateful I am for this long Chinese New Year break. It's the break that I have been looking forward to just because I can spend time with my little family in our occasional boredom activity hehe

We had no plans for a quick getaway either as we decided to just laze around and carpe diem. 

It's time like these that we have the time to really really spend in quality with our kids, without disruption and no obligations. 

It's time like these that snuggling in bed in the morning has never been better and that taking a shower can wait.

It's time like these that doing nothing is actually something, when you have your loved ones around you.

And it's time like these that is most crucial to remind you that yes, indeed, you are lucky to have such a priceless gift of all, a FAMILY.

Blissful :)

Babywearing

When I first decided that I would babywear my second baby, I never would have imagined that I would marvel at its convenience and the fact that wearing my baby gives me that sense of confidence.

I started off with a wrap when Adeena was a newborn but I thought it was quite a lot of work; wrapping and getting ready took a lot of my time. 

When she was older, I got myself a ring sling, which was okay to wear. After awhile, my shoulder hurt and Adeena was getting heavier. Ring sling wasn't such a good idea anymore. 

Finally, I got myself a soft-structured carrier (SSC) when Adeena was bigger, her back was stronger and she can tilt her own head. Looking and browsing for the perfect SSC was, to me, like a kid having to choose his favourite candy in a candy store. There were just so so much to choose from. Every single one just caught my eye that I couldn't settle for one perfect one.

After much deliberation and discussion with le hubby, we purchased one from Boba.

The best purchase ever.

I look forward to wear my baby everytime we go out. No hassle of assembling another stroller and outing is such a breeze and just so fun. I have my baby close to me, close enough to read her cues, attuned to her movements, facial expression and gestures. And getting her to go to sleep is so easy. 

I can be close to my girl, and still attend to my boy with babywearing. Sibling care is easier!

Babywearing is such a great bonding tool not just for me, but for my husband too. I like it when he wears our girl (too bad no picture here haha). It is so apparent that the two are forging a strong attachment. Just melts my heart.

Of course, babywearing is a skill. There is indeed a learning curve with babywearing and one that I am still adjusting and acquiring. I am itchy to get myself another one but so far, I haven't gotten the green light. Yet. Haha

I can say that I am now a babywearer. I truly support this natural and universal way of handling your baby because of its many benefits, alongside with its relation to attachment parenting.

I would really promote babywearing if you are expecting another one because it is so much easier to start with a newborn rather than your running toddler. They are not used to being confined. At least Luqman is. We tried wearing him and only succeeded once. He didn't like it. So, carrying Adeena and getting her used to being worn has never been better. Of course, do your research first, read, ask around to get more information on babywearing and not just jump into the bandwagon of babywearing by getting unnecessary commercial baby carriers that might not be of good value to you and especially the baby. 

pain, pain go away

I haven't been sick for quite sometime, so when I was down with a major MAJOR dental pain, I was helpless. It was so terrible that everytime the pain jabs, I can only cry. And that's a lot of tears wasted.

It all started on Sunday when I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling of the gum. And then almost immediately it started to swell and I could feel that my temperature increased alongside with the pain. I thought it was just panas dalam and didn't give it much of a thought. I drank so much fluid I became bloated you have no idea. I still gorge down solid although I had to cringe everytime food enters my mouth and down my throat.

Then I started to look funny. My right side of the face swelled big time, right until my neck, just above the throat. Swallowing becomes a terrible chore and I could't open my mouth without wasting anymore tears. That night, after Maghrib off we rushed to the clinic.

I was fighting back pain while waiting for my turn. I couldn't even entertain Luqman properly as I was totally weak. The pain was just unbearable. When we went in, I tried so hard to open my mouth wide enough for the doctor to torch the inside of my mouth but to no avail. After the second try, I gave up. I just couldn't. 

Apparently, it wasn't ulcer as I had assumed. Rupanya gigi geraham bongsu nak tumbuh! Apparently it takes 11 years later to finally say hi. People say it will come out when you're 18 tops. I don't know about that. No wonder it was so painful!

It was downright painful. Made me realised and be grateful for His nikmat. Tarik sikit nikmat sihat, tak boleh makan, perit sangat rasanya.

So I have been on leave until today. Went to the dentist earlier to do my check-up and she said my gum suffered terrible swelling but it is normal. I just need to rinse well and survive on semisolid for now. The pain is subsiding and I am starting to look normal already haha Hoping that I will recuperate soon. So many events this weekend that I just can't miss the food galore!

lovely tiffany blue

They say, you shouldn't prolong good things, especially when it is a step closer towards building the masjid.

Another close friend of mine decided to take such heed but with such short notice (very very!) that all of us were taken aback with her getting engaged announcement. We first had to endure the shock wave when she, out of the blue, mentioned that she's getting engaged but not until it's March. Then, her whatsapp message came in a few days later which I think made all of us screamed virtually (and live) that read : It's happening next Sunday.

Like what? Haha The first thing that I blurted was "I don't even have an outfit to wear!" Only then did I congratulate her and the bridezilla mode was on for everyone.

Anyway, like most engagements, hers was simply mesmerising, beautiful and all sweet. 

She looked most beautiful that day - not just because of her being all dolled up - but it's that joy and happiness that's written all over her face that were most apparent.

I am just so happy for you, Farhana. The time has finally arrived. 

Wished everyone was there to be with you. InsyaAllah, we are all looking forward to your big day this year!

Another one officially off the market :)

letting go

I have every reason to look forward to this year; Adeena turning one, Luqman turning three, my marriage gets a year older, the prospect of investing, and this one ultimate thing which clings to me like a shadow - weaning off Luqman.

If that phrase doesn't sadden me enough, I don't know what is. 

Weaning is a long good-bye - bittersweet and freeing at the same time. I have not yet decided when to start weaning him off fully, but I know sooner or later this has to take place. I told myself that 29 months would be the maximum, but who knows the time might be prolonged if both of us want to. 

Truth be told, I am not at all ready. In other words, I don't have the heart. I know I have complained of how tiresome it can be, how I feel like I haven't been focusing on Adeena enough, or how I feel upset when I have to attend to Luqman's cries in the middle of the night when I should be directing my attention to nursing his sister instead and some other things that my husband has to listen to occasionally - the thing is this; at the end of the day, I don't mind at all having him nursed. Because I know, the times when he would just nibble and not really drinking, he is actually finding comfort in me. The intimate bond is just so warming and unexplainable that at times I am starting to think that weaning him off is not a good idea haha

But of course, on days when he is just being so testing, I just can't wait to withhold my breasts. Speaking of which, I have tried twice that the aftermath was simply a traumatic one for both of us. 

In all honesty, this is going to take some time and lots and lots of patience. Talking to friends and family members about ending this breastfeeding relationship, at times, is pretty upsetting but you gotta do what a mother's gotta do. I pray hard that when we would finally do this, we would ace it, especially bedtime feeding because this is usually the hardest.

As for now, I think the time has not yet come for me to do so. I am struggling emotionally, no doubt, and I hope that Allah SWT will guide me all the way. That I will be strong enough to face this and patient enough to be consistent in achieving my goal.

To Luqman, my baby, thank you for giving me the chance to nurse you up till today (who would have thought alhamdulillah!), of course with His love and mercy. The generous milk supply that He has given me to be able to nurse both you and your sister, for that I am forever grateful subhanallah!

Thank you for being my number one natural pumper! 

Let's hope that this amazing journey will end beautifully, insyaAllah.

*sobsob*

The first post

The new year, so far, has been nice to me on various aspects. Still, it is very early to tell, since it is only the 11th day. However, I have a feeling it is going to be awesome, if not better. 

I have some personal resolutions that I'd rather keep them to myself and ones that I am praying really hard that, if not truly achieved, will at least be almost attained. I am more concerned with the journey towards my goal, and I suppose that is what really counts.

InsyaAllah, may everything be eased!

On another note, now that I have got myself a new desktop and a comfortable workplace set-up, I am hoping that I would be able to update more often here. Hopefully, my writing skills are not left rustic and I am not too tired to begin with.

Have a great year everyone!