old hopes for a new year

2010 is tomorrow and I can't help but wonder if I am ready to leave 2009 behind. The year seems to pass so fast I don't know if I had lived it to the fullest. But I survived it. And I know I had good things directed my way. I don't intend to dwell on how 2009 has been, apart from the fact that I had completed my first year of teaching though I doubt I had championed it. If I were to sum up 2009 in a few words, it would be 'fast and furious' because it is indeed very fast and the ride throughout had been furious. I've learnt my lessons.

So. For 2010 I hope to make it a more exciting year and I pray that opportunities will come my way. I wish to give more to others (not just in teaching) and try to be happy. Really really happy, that is. I want to lead a simple and carefree life. I want to be positive and optimistic about things. I really want to step out of my cistern which I have so carefully built, and be able to take risks. I want to do something. I want to try something different, something which will bring me contentment; something which I can prove myself. And I hope to mend all friendships which I have neglected, buddies which I have taken granted of by making distance an excuse though they are all just a call away. I wish to be a better friend. And of course a better teacher and educator to my dear students.

May 2010 be kind and let's hope that it will be a more thrilling journey. Happy 2010!

sydney in pictures

don't know

You know, sometimes we don't know what we're capable of. In desperate circumstances, we're pushed beyond our own limits and you do things which at that point of time appeared realistic. Rational, in fact. And then when reality knocks on your door, you start to wonder "did that really happened?" Because, yes, it is extremely hard to take.

And the aftermath isn't any better. It's like you're in a daze. Your eyes don't sparkle, they look through others. Your mind wanders. And most importantly, you just don't know what to feel. You were humiliated, but you don't know where to hide yourself. You were told off right at your face, but you just kept quiet, not knowing what to say -- because you really didn't know what to say. And you were left just like that -- knowing that you might have just jeopardised your own future.

You don't know what to feel anymore. You wonder if things would be different if you had chosen the other road.

The new year is just one day away. You pray hard that it will be a great year despite everything because you are determined to make it right once and for all.

blunder

I should have seen this coming. *heavy sigh*

What is done cannot be undone and I have to bear the aftermath of my own wrongdoing.

I guess honesty is still the best policy -- although I doubt that it is apt at all considering who I have as my boss.

She can be a bitch because she is my boss... - Serena from Gossip Girl

Well, she is right. And I deserve it I guess.

finally!

SPM finally ended today, which means I am done with the invigilation. Yes, I was on duty until the very last day which left me green with envy of friends who had started rejoicing a week earlier.

Anyway, as much as I had anticipated for this day to arrive, it is certainly a day which left me a little sad too. Although I don't know the students personally, I have developed a fondness towards them. For the past 10 days, I have familiarized myself with the exam routine. I have come to know the faces of students who always requested to go to the toilet, those who needed more extra papers, and others whom I exchanged friendly smiles with.

When the Ketua Pengawas announced that students are welcomed to shake hands with the rest of the Pengawas, we were swarmed! Now, I didn't see that coming. The girls came to us, shook and kissed our hands, and thanked us for taking care of them throughout the examination. I felt a lump in my throat. They look very young and innocent! I could have almost hugged them. I know we won't be seeing each other anymore. God's willing, our paths might cross one day. I wished them all the luck in the world.

And did I mention we were treated like we were some popular stars? Oh yes! They asked for our signatures and took pictures with us until I could feel the numbness on my lips for smiling for too long. I will always remember them as the first group of students that I invigilated. To have them as my students will be a dream come true!

SPM aside, today is also the day when I will be leaving for Australia!! I'm going with my sister (yes, just the 2 of us) to pay Farouk a visit. I hope everything will go on smoothly and hopefully no calls from school (fingers crossed!).

3 more hours to go and God's willing, I will return in 1 and a half week's time!

friday talk

Oh boy. My knees and my thighs are in thunderous pain. That's what you get when you take a leave from the gym for almost a week and a half. The gym is in absolute mess right now with its platinum upgrade construction which is the reason why I avoided going for the past week. The studios were closed for a week too, all the more reason for my absence. I used to work out on my own, but I find it easier and convenient to just go for the cardio classes which I tend to enjoy more. But even the studio now is in absolute disarray--not to mention very dusty.

Anyway, I am meeting a good friend for a late lunch today. I cannot wait for it's been eons since we last met, really. This will make up for all the missed events of not going together, many many many canceled dates and what not. Yeay! This will definitely take away that distraught part of me. Shooh, go away!

benci

I've been under the weather lately. I have nothing but one thing to blame in which I am not going to disclose. I wish I could, but it's just too personal. I feel like screaming right now. Terlalu menyampah ok? Just stop bugging me already. And please sedar diri.

simplicity

I watched the Oprah Winfrey Show earlier today. It shows women from different regions and continents leading their everyday lives and how different one’s outlook can be from one another. The women represent countries like Denmark, Turkey, Japan, and Brazil.

I am most fascinated with how the Danish live their lives – the principle that they hold. It’s not just about their simplicity (albeit their modern looks), but how optimistic they are. They lead a very simple life for a start. They have simple (and very clean) homes which surprised Oprah and me. Besides, they have fewer things, only the essentials. They believe in “less things, more space and more light” (which I couldn’t agree more).They never miss dinner time together as everyone in general go back home by 4pm. Having meals together is a must and almost every Danish family does that.

Accomplishment in Denmark is seen on how successful a woman (or a person) is in balancing her career and her family. And the happier she is, the more successful she is seen to be. And one’s career or choice of vocation is based on interests and not based on how much a job can earned you. Basically everyone’s the same in Denmark; they do practically similar things (jobs) thus the small division of class. They don’t fall for consumerism but they lead life as it is. I have to tell you, they are one content society. However, it is indeed ironic that most of them do not believe in religion or a higher being. I guess they believe in the spiritual kind.

Looking at them, I don’t see why we (Malaysians) are any different. Most of us lead simple lives. The average Malaysian has simple homes and economical cars. We finish work at 5pm and many actually rush home to be with families. Having dinner together is not something new; every family does that but probably not on a daily basis. At least we tried.

However, I doubt many of us are content with what we have or gained and that’s when we tend to differ. Try as we might, we will always measure one’s success on how rich a person is, how many cars he has, how huge the house is and mostly, the materials that cover a person’s body. We can’t help it. While I cannot deny the validity of those measurements, have you ever thought why it is never about how thriving a person is in his faith, his role as a parent, a husband/wife or as a child?

I guess we tend to give weight to external matters. We compare ourselves and we whine. We compete on external stuffs. We overlook that the more we compete, the more we are unhappy as beings. But we also cannot help it that in today’s world, money does bring happiness. Money satisfies our needs and wants that in that pursuit, we forget that personal happiness and contentment can also be achieved by having a strong belief of our faith.

As I watched the show, I realize that the reason they can be so at ease is that they do not let materials blind them; something that most of us are aware of but an extremely difficult thing to pursue. I guess it’s high time that we lessen our wants and control our needs. Simplicity in modernity – I don’t see why it is not achievable. It is indeed practical.

No wonder they are said to be the happiest people in the world. Simplicity is indeed the way to go :)

straight from the heart

I found this picture in one of the albums. Just looking at it forms a lump in my throat.

How happy my parents looked over their first bundle of joy. So much hope and expectations. Over the years they took care of me, made sure I received the best of education, attention and love, and most importantly they shaped me to become the best of human being. There was never a time when I felt neglected, lack of love or when my needs were never being attended or fulfilled.

I know I tend to be hard-headed at times, that my actions disappoint them, and I don't usually listen. Because that's just who I am. But I do hope that I have made them proud. I hope I met their expectations of a person that they wished I would be. Decades have passed. I have grown into a young woman and they have witnessed me blossomed, at every stage of my life.

And I love them for a childhood that was never gray and for all the years they stood by me, patiently and lovingly. Because they are the best of parents that I could ever asked for.