Get well soon

It's that time again when sleep is an evaporated matter and your sick child (baby) with an elevated temperature is the real deal. I am worried sick of my Fatima because she's been suffering from a fever for three days now. 

Couldn't believe that my baby who is hardly 2 months could be infected with this viral fever. It's the worst part of parenting I must say - knowing your child is sick and you can only do as much to make him/her feel better. *sigh*

It breaks my heart to see Fatima suffering from the fever. She is still a baby! It's the last thing I want to witness because whatever pain and queasiness she is feeling, I am feeling it twice. And like all parents, I wish the pain is mine. 

I just hope and pray hard that come tomorrow she'll at least have a normal temperature and a better well-being. 

God, give me strength for the day and shine me the light for the way.

Please make du'a for my Fatima, too. 

Get well soon, baby girl.

Joyful April

It's almost the end of April but I hope it's not too late to share with you people what a joyful month it has been. 

2 memorable events took place this month - would have been three if it's not for Fatima's early debut (she decided to say hello to the world on the 31st of March, 2 days prior to her EDD).

On the 8th of April, it was Soraya Adeena's 3rd birthday. She was really looking forward to this day because she wanted a cake. Sorry little girl, no fancy schmancy cake this time around but I am sure you absolutely loved the tiny delicious Macadamia Caramel Cheese cake ayah bought you. Oh and that one sliced Chocolate Prune Cake, too! 

I obviously just started my confinement so my husband and I were thankful that my family took the effort to drop by with food and presents for the kids. Totally made their day. I, on the other hand had to salivate over those cakes and the KFC bucket that my brother bought while all of them were having a finger-licking good time.

Couldn't be more happy with their presence!

To Soraya Adeena,

No words can truly express my love for you. It's hard not to fall in love with you and be smitten by you. Three years have passed and I see my own reflection in you without having to look into the mirror. You are definitely a joy to have and be around with and you definitely leave a pride in me and your dad. May you grow up to be the best muslimah insyaAllah, one who benefits the ummah and those around you. My prayers for you will never stop. Love you so much debob!

Then, on the 21st of April 2016, the wait was finally over. My youngest sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy weighing at 3.6 kg. We were all swelled with pride and joy with this new addition to the family. My parents were the most happy, I would say. Two new grandchildren this year!

I couldn't wait to hold my first nephew so off I went to the hospital with Fatima and my parents the next day while Luqman and Adeena were in school. I was already on my 23rd day of confinement; feeling pretty ok already hehe

Tun Muhamad Ashman Zulkarnain, you are such a cutie Mak Long so geram!

The next day, Luqman and Adeena visited Mak Su and said hi to their little cousin for the first time. 

It's still surreal, really what with me having my third child and my sister had her first. We're all grown ups already! And now we're talking mummy lingo ey!

Can't wait for May coz it'll be a joyful one for me -- the end of confinement period! Weehuu!

Third time's a charm - Part 2

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It was already 7 am. And we're still pacing up and down the room. Suddenly I had this urge to pass motion. Twice. My heart raced so fast and I panicked. I told my husband and he pressed the bell. The nurse came into our room and I told her my situation. The next thing I knew, I was rushed to the labour room on a wheelchair and I could feel my face turned white. This is it! It's time! 

Everything happened so fast. I was wheeled into this bright room with two midwives readily waiting. I was slowly transferred onto the bed. A female doctor came to check and I was already 7cm dilated. All the while, the contractions changed to expulsive, pushing ones. I was grunting with each contraction. Then, my husband came and sat next to me while holding my hand. I think he's saying words of encouragement or reciting his prayer; I don't quite know as I was too distracted with the pain and the urge to push. 

After a few minutes, the midwives got me ready into a pushing position. The doctor's been telling me when and how to push and she was so good at guiding me. She taught me how to really breathe properly with every contraction and to me, that really helped in giving birth this time around. I guess it took me 4 really long push (and tears streaming down my face) until the hard work was finally over. It was 8.36 am.

The next few minutes were blurry. I was left feeling nauseous and shaky. I was panting and my throat felt dry. I heard the midwives, the doctor and my husband rejoicing once the baby was out. "Well done!" "Good job!" were all I could make of amidst the noise. My baby instantly cried her first cry and she was put on my chest after my husband was given the honour of cutting her umbilical cord. She's beautiful, mashaAllah. Tears started to form again. My husband kissed my head and squeezed my hand. I let out a huge sigh of relief. It's over. Finally. 

Except, it wasn't really over down there. The doctor was busy examining my placenta and she made sure that nothing was left behind by pressing my tummy here and there. However, I was hardly aware of all this and the stitching as I was busy focusing on my baby and offering her the breast at the same time admiring her features. 

I was exhausted -- extremely exhausted. My hands were shaky and I felt cold. I was hungry and I instantly remembered the chicken chop that I had for dinner last night before going into battle. My husband passed me the dates and I drank half of the water in the bottle. I felt rejuvenated a bit. I looked at my husband and we both smiled. 

"She looks like her abang Luqman," I said.

"Yes, she does," my husband replied.

Syukur alhamdulillah. Selamat semuanya.

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You know. I have been having all sorts of thoughts when it comes to labour and giving birth for the third time. The fear escalates because you have gone through this twice before and you know what's coming - the signs, pain, etc. But every labour is totally different and truthfully, I didn't know what to expect. However, I have promised myself that I will try to have a normal unassisted birth this time around and alhamdulillah I managed with Allah's help. I also promised myself to not give in to pain easily and try to have natural pain relief instead of taking medical ones. Alhamdulillah, as much as I want help at some point, I aced this too, this time around. He has also made it easy for me during labour despite the long hours of battling contractions. Allahuakbar!

I guess it's true what they say -- The third time's always a charm. 

Third time's a charm - Part 1

I took a peek at the clock and I noticed that the time seemed to slow to a crawl. I looked at my husband who was snoring away softly on the sofa bed, all curled up just like a baby (I let him sleep and didn't wake him up because I knew he was equally exhausted and once the baby's out, he will have to run around to settle the post-labour chores. So yeah, let him get his rest). I told myself that it's going to be a very long night. I inhaled and exhaled.

Earlier today, I was alarmed by the bloody show that appeared. As there were no contraction pains yet, I decided to wait and got my hospital bag ready in the meantime. The discharge continued to pass until late evening and by that time, I'd started to feel the contractions slowly coming in. My husband came home, fetched the kids and off we went to my parents' to drop Luqman and Adeena before making our way to the hospital. Once there, the doctor who checked told us that I was already 3cm dilated. I could go back home and come here again when it's time but with the third child anything's possible. We took the doctor's advice and decided to stay for the night. 

With one hand at my waist and the other rubbing my bulging tummy, I paced around the room despite the labour contractions that were coming in quite regularly and more intense. I tried to relax but the pain -- oh boy, the pain! 

I had been alternating between walking and resting. I had tried leaning on a pillow and also the knee-chest position every time the pain kicked in. I focused on my breathing, too. God knows how sleepy I was. At one point, I think I dozed off on the bed as I was too tired only to be awakened by the entrance of the nurse, pushing in the electronic fetal monitor machine. 

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3 hours had passed. Pain's coming in still quite regularly and the intensity was still moderate. 3 more hours and it would be Fajr. By this time, I was already feeling very anxious and emotional. I just couldn't wait for the baby to come out. I almost gave up. It felt like ages! My husband's also awake. I guess my loud breathing and my little cries and howls sort of woke him up.  Anyway, he held my hand and paced with me around the room through what seemed like an endless transition. He was quiet most of the time - partly still feeling sleepy and partly because being quiet was the best thing to do at that moment. 

Every 10 minutes I would slow down and stopped and gripped my husband's hands so tightly. I cringed, shook my head and remember saying, "Ya Allah! Sakit!" everytime the contractions came. He would rub my back, cuddle me and whispered "Hang in there. Sikit je lagi ni". I nodded and continued pacing.

Tears started to form in my eyes. I recited the zikir and constantly prayed to Allah to please make everything easy for me. Luqman and Adeena suddenly came to mind and I became more emotional. I breathed in and breathed out slowly. I could do this, I told myself. 

I poured myself a glass of water and ate the date -- it was my 5th for the night -- and continued walking.

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I slowly opened my eyes. I was on the bed. I must have dozed off again. My husband was curled on the sofa bed. There was a knock on the door and the nurse came in wheeling that machine again. I was strapped with the elastic belts on my tummy. My eyes darted to the clock and it was almost 5.30 am. I sighed. "Sakitla nurse" I told her and she smiled. "Almost there" she replied. "Do you want any painkiller or gas?" I shook my head. "Keep on moving and walking. If you rasa macam nak buang air besar after this, you cepat-cepat tekan bell ya". I nodded weakly and she went out. I pulled myself to a sitting position. The pain was now so intense I felt like screaming on the tops of my lung. This whole transitional phase was the most difficult part -- the pressure and the pain my body was enduring; where do I even begin???

Then, it was time for Fajr prayer. I could hear the Azan from a nearby mosque. I moved my husband. He couldn't believe it was already dawn (he thought time passed by so quickly) while I, on the other hand, thought it was the longest night in my entire life. Together we prayed. In my last rakaat, the pain almost knocked me down from the chair, leaving me feeling all shaky. I thought, this is it. Maybe it's time.  

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to be continued

A life's begun

After 39 weeks and 5 days of growing my baby, an overnight of battling contractions, and an hour of giving birth, our little girl was finally born. 

It's the moment that we've all been anticipating for. Despite the exhaustion and the emotional wreck I have been, I can say that both my husband and I have never felt so happy, too. 

As we held our newborn, the realisation that we are responsible for this precious new life can feel daunting. We feel like we're new parents once again. The first few days were quite overwhelming and hectic so to speak. I remember feeling a little bit weepy - a combination of raging hormones and exhaustion - and I wasn't feeling all that elated every minute of the day. Fast forward to another 2 weeks, I am spending the time of my baby's life in an exhausted but happy haze. In between feeds (lotsa of 'em! I forgot how much a newborn is attached to your boobs) nappy changes, and her around-the-clock schedule, we are indeed excited with our bundle of joy (it is still very surreal, really).

Though it's our number three, we're still grappling and at times overwhelmed by the responsibility. Alhamdulillah, we get lots of support and help from both our families. I really owe my mom and husband for helping and supporting me so that I get sufficient rest to care for the new baby. Also, seeing my husband handling the day-to-day chores and trying hard to keep the house (and all of us) together reminds me why I love him in the first place. 

I will definitely blog about my labour story. Like I have mentioned before, I didn't know what to expect this time around, and as it turned out, it was something different altogether. As they say, third time's a charm!

For now, meet our little girl, Fatima Eiliyah, named after Prophet Muhammad's (SAW) daughter. May she grow to become someone beautiful, calm and serene and loved by Allah -- as what Eiliyah is supposed to mean. Amin, insyaAllah.

Just a few minutes after she was out from the womb

Looking a lot like Abang Luqman

Luqman and Adeena meeting Fatima for the very first time :)

As for now, wish us luck! We hope to survive the bleary-eyed days and get our sleep back probably soon. NOT.

Almost there

It's hard to believe that I am already at my 39th week when it just felt like yesterday when we found out I was expecting. I'm in the homestretch! The anxiety, fear, and excitement are kinda overwhelming I would say. 

39 weeks pregnant me and my 34 weeks pregnant sister.

I am at that stage where everything is just not comfortable anymore. Sleeping at night is such a chore - tossing and turning to find the right position. I walk like a penguin at the rate of a gliding snail. Pregnancy at 39 weeks also means that I am always attuned to any signs of labor, which is quite scary. Yes, I am scared. Ohh, the contraction, the ultimate pain *shudders* 

It's the waiting game! And it's killing me. A little tiring don't you think? Since both my kids made their debut exactly at 40 weeks (Luqman on his EDD and Adeena came out a day earlier),I should expect the same with the third one, no? Hopefully. 

My kids have been asking the same question every single day on when is the baby coming out while rubbing and kissing my tummy. It's cute when Adeena tries to make conversation with her younger sibling in the tummy. 

We try to spend quality time as much as we can as a family now, knowing that after delivery, my focus will be shifted ultimately on the baby. I really hope that Luqman and Adeena will be able to understand later and not feel that detachment. 

I'm sure they'll be over the moon when the baby arrives hehe

For now, I would say preparation is almost 85% complete. However, I just can't get started on packing my hospital bag I just don't know why. Terrible I know. At this point of time, that bag should already be in the car when in reality it is still empty somewhere in my wardrobe. I hope I still have time.

Work wise, I didn't plan on taking leaves earlier and just continue to go to work until the end (just like my previous pregnancies) but on second thought (well, just two days ago actually), I decided to start resting this coming Wednesday. The doctor agrees and hopefully I'll get to relish the peaceful me-time three days prior to my due date. I already made mental plans on what I should be doing on that three days. So looking forward!

While I should be getting ready to celebrate, I actually dread the prospect of having to deliver a baby *cold sweat*. Please pray for me. Please pray that I would be calm and okay and that I will get through this delivery day fears. Who knows, the next time I post something here, my baby is already home :)

Magical love

There's just something magical about grandparents when it comes to their grandchildren. It's a bond like no other - the unconditional love. 

Whenever I see my parents with my kids, I wonder why weren't they the way they are right now when they were with us many many yeas ago? I guess it's because of their new role which doesn't put any pressure on them as parents. They can just enjoy their grandchildren for who they are.

 This laidback, joyful freedom way of handling kids, I presume, is why most grandchildren love their grandparents so much. I mean it's true right? With Atok and Nanny or Wan, it is so much fun because they seem to get away with pretty much everything; especially when it comes to food and gadgets. While I used to get all tense and uncomfortable because of this discipline-out-of-the-window thingy, I have come to learn to just let it go. After all, I don't want to be the 'party pooper', do I? Bukannya selalu. But of course, the line is drawn and some things have been made clear and we're all good.

Today, it's no surprise that grandparents' involvement in our kids' lives is even more important. It's comforting to know that there are other adults who love our children and are definitely looking out for them. In times of difficulties, my husband and I can never be more grateful that both our parents are just a call away and they can help take some of the pressure off us. 

While some might not agree with the involvement of the grandparents, I guess deep down we all do want some of it. Just not in a judgmental, meddling way but more to a loving and supportive way. 

Let's face it. Grandparents are VIPs -  at least to my kids. When they're with Atok and Nanny or Wan, we're forgotten! Haha They'll tell us how it is so much fun with their grandparents that sometimes I tend to think we're going to lose! However, upon seeing how smitten they are with their grandchildren, how they coo on very photos and the way their eyes lit when Luqman and Adeena entertain them with their antics, it gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling. 

And I smile thinking how lucky my kids are to have such loving and doting grandparents who don't need much to feel special; they already are special the moment their grandchildren were born :)

Missing Atok

When I answered the call from my sister yesterday afternoon to a sobbing voice at the other end of the line, I somewhat knew. I have been having that inkling since the day when we were all told that he was getting weaker. 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un 

"We surely belong to Allah and to Him we shall return."

Just yesterday morning we were all alarmed by his worsened condition. Our Mak Ngah who has been taking care of Atok informed us family that he was too weak to even budge and he barely opened his eyes. The doctor came to the house and injected some glucose as he was hypoglycemic. Mom was already there the moment we were told. 

God knows better - a few hours later, Atok was gone. He was 93 years old. 

We rushed back to Kanchong Darat just in time before the Jenazah prayer was about to be performed. Alhamdulillah, sempat tengok wajah Atok. I didn't get to see and kiss Nenek when she passed away two years ago because we arrived quite late. 

I am quite disappointed because I can't even remember the last time I visited Atok. I didn't get to see him at the last cousin's wedding we attended because he already went back -- he was feeling uncomfortable. 

Yesterday, Atok looked so calm and serene. Despite the heat, it rained very heavily; leaving the earth with some fresh smell. The sweet fragrance of the after rain accompanied Atok throughout the process. Alhamdulillah.

 He was well-known in Banting as he was a teacher and Guru Besar. Everybody pretty much know who Wak Sarkam or Cikgu Sarkam was. He served the community well. May he be placed among the good, amin.

Al-Fatihah

Allahyarham Haji Sarkam bin Ramlan

1923-2016

Sick days

It's been the toughest and testing two weeks so far. We've all been under the weather for God-knows-how-long. And we all know getting sick is never fun. Imagine getting sick while you're pregnant - worst! It's the last thing I need, but it can happen all too easily. Being sick for two is twice as uncomfortable already and I had to look after the other three members of the household, too. 

It all started with me going down with the bug - suffice to say I got the whole sick package. Was on medical leave for two days - a continuation from the weekend. Then, Luqman followed suit. Expected, Deena joined in the trio later. The best of prevention doesn't always do the trick, so my husband fell prey to this vicious trap, too -  the nasty virus that's been lurking in the household. 

The thing about being a mom who falls sick is this - you're almost not allowed to. Moms don't fall sick, remember? It's a universal truth!  When I inevitably succumbed to the nasty virus, I remember thinking there's no way I am going to be sick. I just couldn't let everything go for a while. Laundry, dishes and clutter piles - that helpless feeling which resulted me being one cranky mom. 

As much as I want to curl in bed, put myself first to get the rest I need, I know it remains a wishful thinking as it is. When moms are sick, business is as usual. My kids needed me. I had been shouldering the extra load especially when my husband was down for the count; I took lots of midnight temperatures, wiped lots of little noses, cleaning up the vomits and  sponging those fiery hot bodies until I fell asleep in a sitting position.

Thinking back, I shuddered. I shuddered because I managed, I tackled the mess with vengeance for days despite my weak condition. But I have to give credit to my husband, too for even though he was weak beyond compare, he tried to help around, letting me rest and had my shift off. 

Alhamdulillah, all is well now. I am better. Kids have recuperated and hubby is out and about already in Bangkok for the next three days. 

I know I probably shouldn't say this but I think I am amazing *blows nails*. Moms are amazing, really. We're sick yet we still run the house. We're super humans. For one, we just don't get sick days.

New journey

Last week, my husband dropped the bomb over dinner which luckily, I wasn't choked after hearing it. The news was somewhat surprising but not totally unexpected. It's just I didn't think it would be so so soon. 

My reaction was that of a hysterical laughter followed by his, too. While holding his hands, gripping them hard, I know deep down things will change from now on. 

I foresee a lot of sacrifices have to be made in the future - juggling time between family and studies -- especially after I have given birth (which is just a few weeks away). No more frequent weekend outings (oh dear!). And the thought of me handling three kids without his presence is enough to make me shudder. 

But, I believe Allah has planned it all the way. An unexpected situation always comes with wisdom, and we're up for it insyaAllah. I am so so supportive of his new journey in life (I can never be more happy, in fact!) but I also know the beginning is always the hardest. I know, too, that there's no turning back on his part and insyaAllah we will ace this together. 

On top of that, I am so grateful that both of us have our support system (both our families) which we can rely on in times of difficulties. Praying hard that everything will be eased. 

All the best hubby. You know I am always right by your side :)