Masters Degree

I was happily whatsapping with my girlfriends the other day until the serious topic of furthering our studies came up. Some of us already have their Masters, some are pursuing, one just got her offer and we were informed that one of our friends is already a PhD holder!

I realised that most of us do have that good intention to do so but I guess we  don't have enough determination to proceed. More often than not, family is now our priority. Even our current job falls to number two. No denying. Besides, school work is already taking most of our time that to continue studying at the same time seems too impossible. 

Of course, one of us pointed out that our niat (intention) is important, too. It determines everything. In all honesty, my pursuing my Masters would be solely for the purpose of personal achievement and satisfaction. And then I would be thinking of the opportunity that might knock on my door if I already have that other scroll.

I know I have talked about this before and it will be something that will always pop up in my head, in my life plan jerking its head as if wanting me to pay attention to it and take action. Until then, it will not leave. 

So we all discussed, asked those who are already on their track, etc and as it turns out, I have most of the criteria needed to apply! We are talking about HLP here (Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan) and Cuti Belajar Bergaji Penuh Tanpa Biasiswa. How come I was so ignorant! It was indeed a heated and informative discussion and it left me feeling so excited and determined!

But of course, this needs proper planning and discussion with le hubby. My family still tops the list and I have to admit, everytime I look at my kids, my heart dropped a little and instantly I am swamped with worries and the what-ifs. 

This time around, I told my husband that I HAVE to make this work. I just have to. InsyaAllah! After all, when there is a will, there is always ALWAYS a way. Gosh, now I am all excited again!

Then, one of our friends' response actually got me laughing and feeling proud. I think all of us felt the same way. It was :

"Hurmm, I think I will just stick to my Masters la. Masters in Child Care and Home Management!"

LOL! How true! Now that is automatically earned once you're a mom and that is absolutely more worth it, don't you think? :)

Happy 7 months

I remember the day my daughter was brought into the world. When the nurse gave her to me fresh out of the womb for our first skin-to-skin interaction, I took a peek at her thought to myself how she bore the resemblance to his brother. But I knew, she would be different and special in her own graceful way.

And yes indeed she is.

Soraya Adeena, from her early days, wasn't that difficult to take care of. For the most part, she was 'quieter' than his brother used to be and such a soft baby where her cries and coos are concerned. It was difficult not to fall in love with her, despite her small frame and light weight. When we were admitted due to her increased reading of jaundice, I swear it was the toughest 3 days I had to endure but it was the most beautiful moment spent as she was with me 24/7. I could feel the bond was so strong that throughout the days we were warded, she was all I could think of.

As a mother, I think the connection with my daughter is just amazing. I don't quite know how to express it but subhanallah, it is beautiful. When we looked into each other's eyes, I know she is telling me that 'Ummi, I need you and I love you". I just knew it. Her body gestures, her smiles, her chuckles are so bewitching! And the times when she would move slowly towards me in her sleep, put her cute little fingers on my arm as if reassuring me that 'Ummi, I am here don't you worry'. And how she would start her little whines as a sign she wants to be fed. MashaAllah, such are Allah's amazing gifts!

I could go on and on about my precious daughter but obviously I won't because they might not be of interest to some of you (hehe). And I, by no means are showing off as these are written out of love and for the sole purpose of sharing. 

What I am trying to get at is that, 7 months have passed from her being a helpless little infant to a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby who is progressing very well mashaAllah! Everyday is a discovery and I look forward to each achievement with so much eagerness.

Soraya Adeena, happy 7 months baby girl! Ummi and ayah and abang Luqman love you so much you have no idea. Thanks for making me a mum and thanks for changing my perspective and being. And thanks for letting me know that love knows no boundaries and sacrifice is my utmost priority. 

 

May you continue to grow a good muslimah herein and hereafter and a star that shines everyone's lives in goodness insyaAllah!

Doa Ummi tak pernah putus untuk Adeena and Luqman :)

 

Story of the heart

The past few weeks have been quite tough on me, emotionally. 

First, I had to endure the 5-day separation from my loved ones to attend a course. I still remember how empty and horrible it felt sleeping and waking up without them around. It almost brought me to tears having not to smell the familiar scent that I used to breathe-in. Luckily, the packed schedule helped me to fight back tears. The happening and friendly bunch of people there made me forget about home for a while and they were the reason I actually enjoyed my course.

Then on the day I returned home, my husband was already away for his Treasure Hunt activity which meant we missed seeing each other. He also spent the night at Gambang and only returned home the next day. Not having to see him for a week was quite sad and I was so emotional that I didn't get to seem him for another 2 days extended. Of course I had all the reasons to be so emotional. It's like my other wing was broken and I lost all spirit. 

The day after, he was scheduled for his work trip out of the country for 5 days more and I was totally under the weather. My heart cringed and I was fighting back tears. I didn't mind him going for outstation but not being able to see him back-to-back?? I've never had to deal with such long separation before so yes, it was too much for me to swallow.

I still struggled after all this time without my husband around. I have to admit, my kids tend to act out too whenever ayah is not around. And every fibre of my being was tested. I cried, maybe, a few times. But I chinned up and wiped it off because I know Allah loves me. He won't endow me something that I can't handle and I know He is building me to be stronger.

Throughout my husband's absence, I did a lot of reflection. I spent many nights alone, thinking and pondering about the things that I have done, about the kids, my marriage. I cried. I cried and I cried. And boy, I felt so relieved. (You see, when your spouse isn't with you the melancholic feeling tend to empower so everyday rasa nak feeling feeling)

From the way I see it, having to deal with the struggles, the separation and what not are Allah's show of love, subhanallah. Without struggles, I won't be strong. Without problems, I won't be smart. Without my kids testing my patience, I wouldn't know love. And Allah keeps on giving me even without me asking. Throughout those few weeks of being a single parent, too, our rezeki has been nothing short of generous. Despite the little hardships, I realised Allah has eased so many for me and my family that without his mercy, I wouldn't even want to think of how we'd survive. 

I remember greeting my husband at the door when he came back from his work trip that day feeling truly emotional. What initially was a negative rebellious kind of emotional feeling, it blossomed into something nicer. Beautiful even. Alhamdulillah syukur.

Sometimes, nikmat Allah dirasai dan disedari bila kita dalam kekurangan. And yes, absence does makes the heart grows fonder :) 

 

Staying in

I love spending the weekend staying in. After a hectic 5 (sometimes 6) working days, it feels so nice to just relax in front of the telly, roll with the kids and spend time staring into each other's eyes.

Yesterday we did just that. 

The day started pretty good. Kids and dad woke up quite late than their usual rise. Had some quality me time by having a simple breakfast alone, enjoying sipping the coffee before the roti canai galore later hehe

Then cooked lunch, played with the kids some more until they all ...

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... went back to slumberland!

And that included the dad too!

 

Penat sangat la tu!

I was happy that I had another quiet me time, too. Aahh, so blissful!

Until 20 minutes later, Adeena startled me with her chuckles.

-   -'

______

So much for wanting to golek-golek on the bed undisturbed!

A wind of change

As I was happily chatting and laughing with my colleagues while stappling the exam papers yesterday, I realised that I really love being around them. Some  have even become like family that the thought of not seeing them for a period of time left me with a heavy heart.

 

For the most part, we all share the same sentiment and we really do help and support each other A LOT. In a workplace where the 'bosses' don't seem to care much that we are bound to catch the stress disease, friends like them do help me to stay well and grounded. Most importantly, their presence make me feel HAPPY to be at work. 

 

So yes, if my transfer application is granted, I'd feel very sad to leave them behind. Why apply if I love being surrounded with so much love and warmth, you might ask? After all, I seem to do fine (in fact very well) at my current workplace.

 

Here's why.

 

1. I remember when I first started service I told myself not to be at a place for too long a time and 5 years is minimum to start moving to a new one. Complacency is something that I fear that might harm me and the way I perform. This year is my 5th year of teaching and honestly I can already feel myself at that level which really bugs me. I itch for something new, something more challenging and a new environment might offer me that.

 

2. Ever since I moved house, the journey to school has become somewhat further. I have to admit I don't really look forward to it as I have to endure the jam if I leave the house a few minutes later than I am supposed to. Plus, the toll fees that burn my pocket every single month! With the rise of the petrol price, a workplace nearby would save me a lot of cost. Like REALLY a lot.  

3. Let's face it. As a mother, I'd love to be near to my kids. If anything happens or in any case of emergency (God forbids), the house is just a few minutes away. No traffic jam, no toll fees. Journey to and back would be a breeze. I don't have to rush every morning and still be at school on time.

So yeah, those are my main reasons. Sounds cliche? They might as well be. However, as I sat down and reflected on my application transfer the other day, I realised that what I really wanted was a breeze of fresh air. I wanted to work in a new environment where administration is concerned. I have had my share working under a stressful one and I am not saying the one at the new place is not. It is just that a change would do me good, really. I want to experience new things and surroundings, meet new people and have new sets of students added to my teaching album. 

If ever I get my transfer, I am sure that Allah wants me to be there and it is the best decision. But if not, I believe that He is the best planner and He has better things coming my way insyaAllah! 

I remember a colleague's words : Kalau tak dapat pindah maknanya sekolah ni dan pelajar-pelajar ni masih perlukan awak. Think positive ok. You still have something to offer here.

 

True that. As for now, I am keeping my fingers crossed.

It's Papular

Finally, after almost 2 years, we can safely say that yes, Luqman is eczematic. He has what is called Papular Eczema. A visit to the skin specialist a few weeks back for a second opinion was somewhat a closure to what we have been dealing with. Quite relieving in the sense that now we don't have to make enemies with the mosquitoes anymore. All these while we thought he was bitten by mosquitoes or insects.

I am sure most parents would know that eczema is a skin condition triggered by a combination of dry and irritated skin, be it hereditary or not. Skin might get inflamed or irritated due to the weather, food, bites and what not. 

Now, what Luqman is suffering (well, this is too strong a word) or shall I say experiencing, is some kind of a scattering of tiny pinhead sized bumps or papules on the skin. Imagine mosquito bites. Something like that, only the papules will soon (most of the times) filled with fluid. I assume the papules are itchy because Luqman repeatedly scratch them sometimes that they broke. And that is just so heartbreaking because the broken papules leave brownish scars on his sensitive skin making it not scar-free :(

I, for the most part have been traumatized whenever any red bumps or 'bites' appear on Luqman's skin. Thinking that it was the mosquito, we did everything we could to keep the bloodsucker away from him but to no avail. The fact that he is the only one who gets 'bitten' baffles us all the time. 

As it turned out, papular eczema is what he has. I am very sure it is not because of the food I eat or he eats because he passed his food testing as early as 6months successfully. I think it is his surroundings; weather, dust mites.

And he might have Papular Urticaria too -  a rash or skin condition caused by sensitivity to insect bites. Because he has sensitive skin, the bites might have caused the flaming red spots/bumps that are just an eyesore. We were told that this will stay with him as he grows and it might disappear gradually. Or not. For now, we are just hoping for a better skin condition.

So yes, it is not easy to swallow especially when others think that eczema is a spreading disease. Parents, please educate yourself on this and please be empathetic enough so as not to hurt the feelings of parents with eczematic children. It definitely hurt when a stranger throws a look of disgust upon seeing your child's skin condition :(

For now, we are monitoring Adeena's skin condition. So far she's clear but you'll never know. A tiny red bump appeared on her skin for the first time when she was about 3 months old and you can imagine how all over the place I felt. 

Thank God it was really the mosquito and it left no scar! Pheww!

Parting sorrow

In approximately one week or so, I will be away from my kids and husband for a 5 days 4 nights CPD Course at Port Dickson. 

It took me awhile to digest everything, got my heart consoled everytime I almost cry a bucket thinking of how my babies would be without my presence. To tell you the truth, I was more concerned of how my nights would be without them around me, waking me up every 2 hours for their feeding or just to play with me on the bed, eyes half-closed. 

I meant no offence especially to those mums out there who are away from their babies and only get to meet their kid(s) during weekends. And I don't mean to act all dramatic (5 days je kot?) but as a breastfeeding mum, I guess the separation anxiety is just overwhelming. Too overwhelming, if I may add. This would be my first time parting from them ever since they were born. 

*eyes gone watery, throat choked*

Anyway, my husband decided that the kids will stay and Ummi goes. Kalau Ikut Ummi semua nak hangkut! But yeah, that seems the best solution. Luqman and Adeena will be taken care in the good hands of my mum, husband and bibik. All their stuffs are ever ready and available and I don't have to hassle myself with all the tedious chore of packing. Plus, I can concentrate with my course and well, look forward to the uninterrupted good night sleep for 4 days *winks* Let's hope so. 

*Breathe in*

InsyaAllah, everything will be fine. 

I should be looking forward to this mini 'vacation' shouldn't I?

Ah, such parting sorrow!

A message

I guess it's true when they say the test of good manners is through patience. 

I, of all people, know that I am the least patient person alive. I have my temper, if I may add and it is a blessing that I married my husband who is cooler than I am. 

Anyway, yesterday turned out to be a very testing day. After what had happened, I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe God doesn't want me to have so much fun on my own. I believe it held its own blessings (yesterday's happenings).

I was totally on cloud nine when I finally managed to steal some time to go for a mini vacation to the pedicure after what seemed like eons I have been there. My husband was sporting enough to look after the kids. I was like a happy kid slurping on ice cream.

Only, what should be a one hour trip lasted up to a good 3 hours. *sigh*

I ended up stressed despite being totally peace and calm. How ironic.

First, I had to endure an excruciating long payment at the express counter just because one irresponsible lady decided to queue at the express counter with her whole load of shopping trolley. Very Malaysian? You bet. Didn't want to budge after being told. Stubborn? Maybe. But her daughter should have taken a more responsible action by moving to the said lane. Pissed me off big time. 

When finally finished with my quick payment, dashed out to the autopay machine only to discover that I didn't have the bloody ticket with me. Checked my handbag so many times I think people might have noticed how depressed  I looked. It struck me as weird coz it was there in that compartment when I was at the nail salon. And it was gone when I needed it. 

Hurried to the nail salon again, only to be greeted with sad news. It wasn't there. I didn't drop it. Well, of course. Then where had it gone? My heart just sank and all I could think about was why? I was totally exasperated you have no idea. 

Anyway to cut things short, my husband came to the rescue yadayadayada... and I was sooooo happy to zoom back to my MIL's place to greet my kids only to be trapped in a traffic jam because a bus decided to break down there and then. 

My breasts were starting to engorge, I was getting restless and it took me one more happening to see me burst. I was in a terrible state yesterday. I went out hoping to enjoy myself but in the end I wished I didn't. 

*SIGH*

Vented out to my friends and one of the responses caught my attention. It was of course easier said than done and one would probably say it is easy for her to say coz it didn't happen to her . But, it holds so much truth.

"You can choose what your reaction to be. And of course, you can choose not to be affected by what happened.  There is indeed some blessings in disguise".

Spot on. In the end, I recited the zikr and calm myself down. 

The blessings? Well, yeah I got to be on my own for a good three hours away from the kids. Wasn't that what I wanted? 

And of course, God is sending me a message only I know what it is.

A short note

Salaam and hello earthlings,

I have been away for too long, I know. It wasn't intentional to leave this site dusty, let alone abandoning it absolutely. 

I have been ... busy? Yes, I was and still am. Busy living my life, not virtually.

Family is my priority. My dear kids are always hanging onto me, leaving me with no time to blog entirely.

As for my job, well, what can I say? So far, it's been okay. I am trying hard to keep my head above water, on top of everything else.

Our new abode is another story. Been living on our own for almost 6 months now. Tough, hands down. But you learn independence all the same. Tiring, yes. Exhausted more like it. Burnt out at times. And we've lost a few kilos, if I may add.

I have a lot - like, really a lot to tell. Until we have secured ourselves a decent internet plan, my presence here might be minimal. I just don't fancy updating from my mobile. Satisfaction not guaranteed.

As for now, it feels so good to be typing away (courtesy of my parent's wifi) and this short update will suffice for now. In case you're wondering, we are doing more than fine alhamdulillah.

"I am too blessed to be stressed"

Absolutely.

Till we meet again,

 Us, recently

Touched

Ever since we moved into our new place, everyday is an adventure. I, for the most part looked forward to a new day eagerly at the same time dreading it. With my current status as a stay-at-home mum, one can only imagine the things I go through every single day with my kids. While I am grateful that I get to be with them 24/7, there are times when I feel like hiding in my room and be oblivious to any crying. Still, I am truly grateful and blessed to be in their presence whenever I am needed. Definitely helps me forget about work, which if you ask me, a subject better not discussed. SAHM seems more appealing in every aspect.

Of course, my husband's return from work is always eagerly anticipated too. After a long, sweaty and tiring day with the kids clinging onto me, his presence gives me a breather. Bibik helps a lot too, I may add, but nothing beats having your spouse with you helping out with the kids. It warms the heart.

Staying on our own also means we have to manage our finance wisely. As we stayed with my parents before, we saved quite a lot in terms of our household expenditures which in turn helped us in our savings. But trust me, moving houses requires a lot and it (quite)burnt a hole in our pockets *tsk!* (so being a SAHM remains a wishful thinking).

These 2 months I could say that we spent quite a lot which got me into a worrying state. Payday is 3 weeks away and obviously to me it is such a long time to wait. Honestly, I am trying to stay away from any mall visits (hehe) because I can't just stroll happily without at least spending a bit (even if it's just a regular cup of Chatime). Yes, I am saving myself up to that extent which my husband thought a little bit extreme on my part. Sad, but true. Money flows like water, I tell you!

Then one night, seeing the worried look on my face (even when I don't say it aloud) he said,

"Don't you worry. Leave everything to me. I will take care of it. You just concentrate on the kids and breastfeeding Adeena ok?"

Huaaaaaa. Suddenly my eyes went watery I couldn't speak.

Touched. So very touched.