A little under pressure

it's totally unforgiving that this place which I used to frequent is left to dust. Neglecting this space is one thing that I never intended to do but for the past months, life has been a whirlwind on its own. Work gets the best of me and motherhood is, most of the time, really hard.

I miss writing. I miss letting go of the bottled feelings. I miss blogging because at least I have a place to pour out. Like really write to my heart's content even when no one is going to really read my entries. 

This space has missed out on many important events in my life that are worthy to be shared, countless down moments that I would have wasted no time hitting the compose button to share back then, and well, just everyday things which this abode would be so happy to keep them in the archive. 

I am now back here because truthfully, at this point of time, I am under a lot of stress. I am spending a lot of time in front of my lappie because of some shitty analysis I wish I didn't have to do and because it makes my whole body aches and my head hurts. And then I will become that person I hate; one emotional, irritable lady. On top of that, motherhood doesn't stop so yeah, I'm pretty much a mess at the moment -- running around handling the kids and the household, and at the same time racing against time to meet the due. 

Hence, returning here to vent out because my husband is probably going to bleed his ears having to listen to another of my whining. 

What's worse -- I miss my sleep. My biological clock is, well, around the clock. Okay, lame.

It's past 10 pm. My bed is really calling me but I have to turn a cheek. Sometimes I really wonder, is it time to really quit my job? Haha Will probably talk about that later.

So there. this would do for now. InsyaAllah I will come back for more. 

A Second Chance

I toiled for days, wondering the starting point to my story/entry.It was tough on me.Where would I begin? It was a difficult and emotional path for me, walking down memory lane and pushing forth as I was stepping on hot coals all the way.

Not many knew that two months ago,on my way home from work, I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life with my second daughter, Adeena. One second we were happily chit chatting, and the next thing I remember, I swerved to the right and the  we were upside down rolling inside the flipped car, which landed 90 degrees on the opposite lane.

I really felt that both of us were going to die. Only that, we didn't. Judging from how everything happened and the fact that both of us cheated death with only minor injuries, I have no one to turn to but only Him. 

Every moment changes us. The accident was totally unexpected, really, and the shock and trauma of it was astounding. I remember thinking very clearly; I understood everything going on, but I was hyperventilating with my left hand stretching out to grasp Adeena with my mouth constantly saying, "Allah! Allah! Allah!" I will forever remember the cries that came from Adeena and the way she cried my name.

As terrifying as that moment was, I will forever remember the great kindnesses of the helpers. I don’t know who called the police, but I am so very grateful to them. The police, the countless good samaritans who helped and be in authority was greatly reassuring. I never caught the name of the lady who were really kind to look after Adeena by the roadside and the one who sent us home, but the lady was so caring and I hope that I could see her again to thank her. One man helped me to settle issues regarding my insurance and another helped to get my husband's car off of the road. Everything was truly eased despite everything and I pray that they all know how thankful I am for them during my husband's absence. 

**In the time of the happening, my husband just took off on a plane for work and you could imagined how he felt when he was informed of what happened to us a few hours later**

Enjoy the time you have been given. Things can change so quickly. An instant will change your life forever. I am fortunate in the fact that I was not physically altered by my incident, but that could easily have not been the case. I could have died or lost a limb. I could have lost my daughter and vice versa. And I remember teasing my daughter and said "I refused to talk to you" because she didn't want to return the teddy she took back from her school before everything happened in a split second after that. Imagine if those were my last words to her. 

I still shudder thinking about it. A thud or a simple bump made me jump out of my skin. I never take that route again. 

I know He is trying to talk to me. Everything that happened was truly a wake-up call. He wants to rectify my mistakes and make me see clearer of life after having my eyes washed in tears many times. True, the car is lost, but I know I have gained a greater strength and faith; and I believe a greater gift awaits. 

Luqman, Adeena & Fatima

Gosh, its been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve wanted to a bunch of times. But, life. There are so many different things I could write about, but I’m going to focus on my biggest reason for NOT blogging much anymore: my beautiful babies (apart from the crazy work)

These updates aren’t just for far away family members and my friends, they’re for me too. In lieu of a physical baby book or journal, I have this. It’s helpful to remember milestones, sure. But it also causes me to actually pause and reflect on their little personalities and what I love about them (and also what drive me up the wall).

#LUQMANRAIMI

My firstborn. It's just so hard to believe that he's the same baby I pushed out from my womb 6 years ago. What's even hard to believe is that he is all grown up and acting like he doesn't need his Ummi anymore *sobs* But, he is so dependable right now that more often than not, I secretly shed a tear behind his back, seeing how much he can do. There are times when he made me lose my patience (still do) and made me one green mum, but he is always the ice that cools me down too. Oh, my little boy. It warms my heart seeing how eager you are in helping me out in the kitchen, helping me with the dishes, keeping Fatima company and making her laugh when I had to complete other chores. I could go on and on about you, dear Luqman, but I guess one thing is clear -- you bring out the best of me and your father because you're our first 'teacher' on parenting.

#SORAYAADEENA

Our secondborn. Ahh, Adeena -- the clown of the family. You have grown to become such a lovely young girl although deep down you're also quite fiery. Who would have thought you'd be such an independent little girl, one who blends very well with her surroundings and most importantly you passed your toilet training quite easily I must say! Adeena is more musically-inclined as she is more into singing, rhyming, and acting (yes, acting!). She's sweet and silly (haha) when she's not driving us up the wall. Adeena, you're such a joy to be with and I know you bring happiness to the people around you, too.

#FATIMAEILIYAH

Our youngest. 9 months have passed since she said hello to the world. Now, she is really starting to know what she wants – and she may scream in annoyance if you take it away. Yerp, that's her! She's now babbling -- which is so cute! She is also cruising, standing up and holding on to furnitures -- can't really let her off my eyes, really. Fear of her falling down. Fatima is also responding happily to gestures, especially if it is her Abang Luqman playing with her. And, she has lose so much of her baby fat once she's mobile. As for now, Fatima has started to recognize people around her and when we're at home, she'll cling to me like a koala and that's exhausted enough, if you ask!

I often look at my children and think that I’m totally undeserving. I say, Why has God given me so much? (this task is too big) and sometimes I say, Why has God given me so much? (these gifts are too beautiful.) Why has he entrusted these little souls to me? The responsibility of being their mother is bigger than any goal I could set for myself. I know I was created to be a wife and mother. Parenting pierces our hearts, but I know every time I feel like giving-up, I take a look at my babies and thank Him over and over for such priceless gifts.

My husband always remind me that these gifts are our path to heaven. No matter how struggling we are, and how much our kids make us feel like we're better off jumping down a cliff, parenthood asks for us to be selfless to lose our self-interest. Love itself is a verb -- and it is always sacrificial.