Luqman, Adeena & Fatima

Gosh, its been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve wanted to a bunch of times. But, life. There are so many different things I could write about, but I’m going to focus on my biggest reason for NOT blogging much anymore: my beautiful babies (apart from the crazy work)

These updates aren’t just for far away family members and my friends, they’re for me too. In lieu of a physical baby book or journal, I have this. It’s helpful to remember milestones, sure. But it also causes me to actually pause and reflect on their little personalities and what I love about them (and also what drive me up the wall).

#LUQMANRAIMI

My firstborn. It's just so hard to believe that he's the same baby I pushed out from my womb 6 years ago. What's even hard to believe is that he is all grown up and acting like he doesn't need his Ummi anymore *sobs* But, he is so dependable right now that more often than not, I secretly shed a tear behind his back, seeing how much he can do. There are times when he made me lose my patience (still do) and made me one green mum, but he is always the ice that cools me down too. Oh, my little boy. It warms my heart seeing how eager you are in helping me out in the kitchen, helping me with the dishes, keeping Fatima company and making her laugh when I had to complete other chores. I could go on and on about you, dear Luqman, but I guess one thing is clear -- you bring out the best of me and your father because you're our first 'teacher' on parenting.

#SORAYAADEENA

Our secondborn. Ahh, Adeena -- the clown of the family. You have grown to become such a lovely young girl although deep down you're also quite fiery. Who would have thought you'd be such an independent little girl, one who blends very well with her surroundings and most importantly you passed your toilet training quite easily I must say! Adeena is more musically-inclined as she is more into singing, rhyming, and acting (yes, acting!). She's sweet and silly (haha) when she's not driving us up the wall. Adeena, you're such a joy to be with and I know you bring happiness to the people around you, too.

#FATIMAEILIYAH

Our youngest. 9 months have passed since she said hello to the world. Now, she is really starting to know what she wants – and she may scream in annoyance if you take it away. Yerp, that's her! She's now babbling -- which is so cute! She is also cruising, standing up and holding on to furnitures -- can't really let her off my eyes, really. Fear of her falling down. Fatima is also responding happily to gestures, especially if it is her Abang Luqman playing with her. And, she has lose so much of her baby fat once she's mobile. As for now, Fatima has started to recognize people around her and when we're at home, she'll cling to me like a koala and that's exhausted enough, if you ask!

I often look at my children and think that I’m totally undeserving. I say, Why has God given me so much? (this task is too big) and sometimes I say, Why has God given me so much? (these gifts are too beautiful.) Why has he entrusted these little souls to me? The responsibility of being their mother is bigger than any goal I could set for myself. I know I was created to be a wife and mother. Parenting pierces our hearts, but I know every time I feel like giving-up, I take a look at my babies and thank Him over and over for such priceless gifts.

My husband always remind me that these gifts are our path to heaven. No matter how struggling we are, and how much our kids make us feel like we're better off jumping down a cliff, parenthood asks for us to be selfless to lose our self-interest. Love itself is a verb -- and it is always sacrificial.

Ramadhan Kareem

It's Ramadhan again - the glorious month. It's the time we get to perform one of the pillars of Islam; fasting. It is also called the generous month because we get many generous blessings; we pray and do charity and get rewarded abundantly insyaAllah. 

I am so grateful that I get to meet Ramadhan again, alhamdulillah. While most of us warmly welcome Ramadhan, as a parent, I quietly fret about how to handle three kids (especially it's the school holidays now) and keeping them entertained while I'm exhausted from the fasting. Balancing parenting (include breastfeeding too) and fasting is definitely challenging and I salute all stay-at-home mums out there!

My toddler kids have so much energy. I have to really keep up with them; switching from one activity to another. Thankfully Fatima is at that stage when you offer her the boobs, she'll pengsan right after and I will anticipate her next wake after 3 hours tops. In the mean time, I rush to complete any house chores or just looking after Luqman and Adeena.

Most of the times, I let them play and play and play until they get bored and I'll switch something on the TV for them to watch right after. While I can say that they certainly can manage on their own, it's the siblings' squabbles that really tick me off. It's so frustrating and exhausting having to referee the constant fighting every single day. Not to mention energy draining, too, especially when you're abstaining. 

Sometimes, I just let them embrace the boredom. But I guess they're still too young to really understand how to. Haha If they're tired from playing, they're hungry. Food has to be abundant in the house! Too bad I can't join their energy refuelling. 

I guess the highlight of the day is their afternoon nap. Oh boy, such a peaceful and serene place the house is when they are napping. I keep on telling them you kids have to sleep, it's Sunnah. Sleep sleep now! When really, all I want is also to nap haha I mean, it's a healthy habit and it's also a downtime needed for all of us to avoid getting on each others' nerves. 

Ahhh the challenges. And it continues right after they wake up, getting them to shower, feed them early dinner and then get ready for breaking fast. My day during Ramadhan usually will end  at about 10-11 at night after I have performed my prayers. Terawih is absolutely at home, no doubt. And a brand new day starts again as early as 5 am. 

You know, we mums will keep on saying this and that, complain of the fatigue and challenges. But I guess if given a choice we wouldn't want it any other way. Tiring, yes, hands down. But seeing your kids right in front of your eyes, attending to their every need no matter how exhausted; it's such a blessing. Knowing that every night when you kiss your kids good night and make them recite the prayer in chorus and they say they love you in return, gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling that wipes away all the sweat, tears and tiredness.

May the force be with us mums this Ramadhan. May we be persistent in our responsibility and ibadah. And may Allah reward us generously, insyaAllah.

Ramadhan Kareem!

Sick days

It's been the toughest and testing two weeks so far. We've all been under the weather for God-knows-how-long. And we all know getting sick is never fun. Imagine getting sick while you're pregnant - worst! It's the last thing I need, but it can happen all too easily. Being sick for two is twice as uncomfortable already and I had to look after the other three members of the household, too. 

It all started with me going down with the bug - suffice to say I got the whole sick package. Was on medical leave for two days - a continuation from the weekend. Then, Luqman followed suit. Expected, Deena joined in the trio later. The best of prevention doesn't always do the trick, so my husband fell prey to this vicious trap, too -  the nasty virus that's been lurking in the household. 

The thing about being a mom who falls sick is this - you're almost not allowed to. Moms don't fall sick, remember? It's a universal truth!  When I inevitably succumbed to the nasty virus, I remember thinking there's no way I am going to be sick. I just couldn't let everything go for a while. Laundry, dishes and clutter piles - that helpless feeling which resulted me being one cranky mom. 

As much as I want to curl in bed, put myself first to get the rest I need, I know it remains a wishful thinking as it is. When moms are sick, business is as usual. My kids needed me. I had been shouldering the extra load especially when my husband was down for the count; I took lots of midnight temperatures, wiped lots of little noses, cleaning up the vomits and  sponging those fiery hot bodies until I fell asleep in a sitting position.

Thinking back, I shuddered. I shuddered because I managed, I tackled the mess with vengeance for days despite my weak condition. But I have to give credit to my husband, too for even though he was weak beyond compare, he tried to help around, letting me rest and had my shift off. 

Alhamdulillah, all is well now. I am better. Kids have recuperated and hubby is out and about already in Bangkok for the next three days. 

I know I probably shouldn't say this but I think I am amazing *blows nails*. Moms are amazing, really. We're sick yet we still run the house. We're super humans. For one, we just don't get sick days.

Super (pregnant) mom

My husband just left at the wee hours of the morning for a day outstation. While this has not been the first time, it's the first he's away leaving me 8 months plus pregnant with two kids and a household to manage for the day. From my point of view, it is already challenging enough. 

Truth be told, I have been preparing for this day for so long. It's a major drag. Yes, it's just a day but given that I am such a whale right now (oh yes, I am!), I can't help but envision that I would pass out at the end of the day. 

Kids will be up in half-an-hour. I have prepared everything the day prior to save me the hassle and drama this morning. I cannot be more than grateful that my superior allows me to report for work a little later than usual. 

I CAN DO THIS!

With some planning done, I think I can go through today's short-term single motherhood (so dramatic, I know!) smoothly. And like a pro. 

May the force be with me.

Morning cries

Adeena is almost 3 now and she's the earliest of the two to be sent to the nursery. The thought of sending her for the first time was hard, considering she was hardly 2 at that time. To me, she was too young to be separated and it was the biggest step we had to make as parents. Besides, it was the only choice we had after Bibik was sent home and this decision was mainly dictated by our career demands. I remember it was a very sensitive time for the both of us but Adeena was a star. Everything was eased and despite the ongoing crying that broke my heart every time, she managed after two weeks. The rest was history and life continues to be breezy.

Only, the crying started again December last year -- that's almost after a year plus she's been at the nursery. My husband and I agreed it must have been hard for Adeena to resettle after a month's break from the nursery (it was the school holidays so my kids stayed at home with me). Out of worry, I constantly pep talk her, telling her she has to go to school, play with her friends while ayah and ummi go to work. Every single day, that's what we did and she would nod like she really understood and her reply would be "Nanti Ummi ambik Adeena kan?" I was so crushed inside, feeling all guilty that she had to be sent there. I kept my fingers crossed everyday.

But things didn't change until now. And that's been almost 1 month plus. Every morning I would whatsapp my husband, asking of Adeena and his response would be the same "She still cries" (My husband would take care of the kids in the morning as I have to leave the house at 6.30 am every working day). 

You can only imagine what I am feeling. I have all sorts of pre-assumptions in my head right now. Are the teachers the cause? The caretakers there have been changed quite a few times in a month that maybe Adeena is still adjusting because she's been used to the old ones. Or is she being bullied? Or has any of the teacher raised a voice to her? etc etc etc

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill because she doesn't throw tantrums. But, she will cry every single morning once she arrives at the nursery. The quivering of the lips and the tears will start in the car itself. Thing is, she'll get down, walks through the front door, salam, arranges her slippers, goes in and rushes to the sliding door to 'bye bye' while crying her eyes out.

Such heartbreaking scene.

Talked to her caretakers and they said she's fine every time the car leaves and she's a fine kid all day long. I should not worry right?

Well, I guess it is just separation anxiety. What more that I am pregnant now. They say it's a phase. She's being 'sayu' like what my mom puts it. I really hope that is all because I can't bear the thoughts of something else that could have been bothering her. 

This too, shall pass.

Love you, Adeena :)

At this point of time

Sometimes, being pregnant can feel as if it's a full-time job already. And it's tough when you've already got a full-time job yourself -- the kind that requires you to move, climb up the stairs and entertain 30-40 clients at a time. Fatigue is not even apt to describe what I have been feeling everyday for the past 8 months I am carrying. That's my biggest challenge so far -- fighting fatigue.

Things can get quite stressful, I admit, but I try not to make it adversely affect my health and my mood. The thought of a 3 months leave seem to uplift me the most and a newborn in my arms to hold. And yes, of course, I get plenty of sleep and rest. 

Despite the occasional struggle, exhaustion, pain and frustration, alhamdulillah, life continues to be amazing. And all is happy in my corner of the world.

2016

Well, hello there. After my last post, next thing we know it's already the new year. Phew. 

Happy New Year everyone. Hope it's not too late. My new year kickstarted pretty well with my son's birthday celebration (will blog about that soon). School's started for the new year and it has been the most tiring first week. Alhamdulillah syukur, I managed. Sometimes I just don't know how, really. Exhaustion aside, I am so thankful that I seem to have everything under control; managing the household, the kids, keeping up with work. InsyaAllah things will get better as time comes by.

Resolutions?

Well, here's the thing. I've stopped making any since a few years ago. So, this year isn't going to be any different. Except, I am really going to try to do what the above picture says. I think all of us should, too. I think it is going to be exhilarating come 31st December this year. 

May this new year bring good luck to all of us and may Allah ease everything  insyaAllah. 

A quick update

It is almost unforgiving that the last time I actually wrote something here was like many many many months ago. *cringe*

So so so many things have happened and are happening right now in my life. I miss writing here in my abode, where bottled feelings are let loose into lines of words. I am here again because I am so stressed out filling my SKT online which is taking forever. So, here I am paying this dusty site a visit.

In case you don't already know, bibik is no longer with us. It's been almost a year already. Truthfully, I am so relieved. Without her around, I am saved from the worries every single day of what her health condition would be. Yes, suffice to say she wasn't fit to work for us and we couldn't afford to spend more on her medical bills than we already have for her monthly paycheck.

Anyway, a quick update on me and my family :

1. Luqman has started kindy and Adeena is doing great at nursery. We are just so thankful that Allah has eased everything for us. He made it convenient for me and my husband. Our routine is just prefect, alhamdulillah. More than manageable without a maid around.

2. My sister got married 3 months ago. Yeay! Haha 

3. Work-wise?  Nothing interesting. I swear I am not going to volunteer to teach both exam classes next year (Form 3 & 5). It is soooo tiring and energy draining. Stressful, if I may add. *sigh* Constantly reminding myself that this is ibadah and rewarding but at times you're too consumed with everything you just wanna break down and cry.

I guess I am going to leave you guys with that. InsyaAllah, will come back soon often with more writings.

Back again

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Hello.

Wow. It's been ages, isn't it? 

Coming back to this abode is definitely emotional. It's almost unforgiving how it had been abandoned for a time too long when it had been an escapade for me for all those times before. 

I miss you. Yes, you, whoever you are. I miss this space, more than anything. And I miss writing, pouring my heart's content on just about anything worth sharing.

It's another new year. And I am up at this oddly hour with a sudden urge to type something. Writer's itch? Hehe

It's already the second month of the year. So many things have happened. The ride has been quite fun and smooth so far with a few bumps and jerks along the way. We've been happy and okay except that we're probably starting on the wrong foot where health is concerned. It's a test from the Almighty. A test of patience and belief. InsyaAllah, with heavy rain comes the beautiful rainbow. 

I think this would suffice for a 'comeback entry'. 

I can't wait to frequent here and share this year's journey with you. 

It's a promise I will try to keep, insyaAllah.

May everything be eased. Stay safe and happy everyone.

pain, pain go away

I haven't been sick for quite sometime, so when I was down with a major MAJOR dental pain, I was helpless. It was so terrible that everytime the pain jabs, I can only cry. And that's a lot of tears wasted.

It all started on Sunday when I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling of the gum. And then almost immediately it started to swell and I could feel that my temperature increased alongside with the pain. I thought it was just panas dalam and didn't give it much of a thought. I drank so much fluid I became bloated you have no idea. I still gorge down solid although I had to cringe everytime food enters my mouth and down my throat.

Then I started to look funny. My right side of the face swelled big time, right until my neck, just above the throat. Swallowing becomes a terrible chore and I could't open my mouth without wasting anymore tears. That night, after Maghrib off we rushed to the clinic.

I was fighting back pain while waiting for my turn. I couldn't even entertain Luqman properly as I was totally weak. The pain was just unbearable. When we went in, I tried so hard to open my mouth wide enough for the doctor to torch the inside of my mouth but to no avail. After the second try, I gave up. I just couldn't. 

Apparently, it wasn't ulcer as I had assumed. Rupanya gigi geraham bongsu nak tumbuh! Apparently it takes 11 years later to finally say hi. People say it will come out when you're 18 tops. I don't know about that. No wonder it was so painful!

It was downright painful. Made me realised and be grateful for His nikmat. Tarik sikit nikmat sihat, tak boleh makan, perit sangat rasanya.

So I have been on leave until today. Went to the dentist earlier to do my check-up and she said my gum suffered terrible swelling but it is normal. I just need to rinse well and survive on semisolid for now. The pain is subsiding and I am starting to look normal already haha Hoping that I will recuperate soon. So many events this weekend that I just can't miss the food galore!

The first post

The new year, so far, has been nice to me on various aspects. Still, it is very early to tell, since it is only the 11th day. However, I have a feeling it is going to be awesome, if not better. 

I have some personal resolutions that I'd rather keep them to myself and ones that I am praying really hard that, if not truly achieved, will at least be almost attained. I am more concerned with the journey towards my goal, and I suppose that is what really counts.

InsyaAllah, may everything be eased!

On another note, now that I have got myself a new desktop and a comfortable workplace set-up, I am hoping that I would be able to update more often here. Hopefully, my writing skills are not left rustic and I am not too tired to begin with.

Have a great year everyone!

Towards the end

In a just a few days, the new year is approaching. So much has happened that I am still catching my breath to seize the moment, and then I am awakened by the reality that the year is coming to a close.

Time does fly. Fast.

I have been meaning to write here, but more often than not, it is either I was too tired or I just couldn't find the time. Being a SAHM this school holiday took most of my time that when I do have one, I'd rather rest myself.

My firstborn turned two yesterday. It is still a little hard to digest that it was two years ago when we first held him in our arms, new parents awkwardly venturing into parenthood. I guess watching him grow right before our eyes makes us forget about time because we'd freeze the moment if we could. Kids grow really fast, they do. If I were to summarize or pack his two years of life, I don't think the Titanic would be able to contain the memories. Too many bittersweet moments that made us parents and ones that changed our perspectives 360degrees. 

Having a kid definitely turn your world upside down; they bring the best and worst out of you. And with Luqman, I've had my fair share of a rollercoaster ride, a whirlwind of emotions, and the bitter taste of decision-making. 

Anyway, all those things aside, I am a proud mum. Of two. Who would have thought, ey?

I have learnt that mistakes are to be made so that we can learn from them. And parenthood offers you that, so much so that when the second child comes along, you'd think you know certain things, but no, no child is the same. And so, you keep on learning and learning, make some more mistakes (but more cautious this time around) until you become that person who sort of embrace every difficulty and challenge with an open arms and with minimal grunts possible. If you overcome all that, it is the best feeling ever. The joys of parenthood, they say. 

With just a few more days to 2014, I haven't thought of any resolutions. If I do, it would definitely to be better. In everything. It is easy to say, and so pleasing to the ears - to be better - but a pledge that requires a whole lot of effort from within.

InsyaAllah, may everything be ease! Have a great remaining year everyone :)

It's Papular

Finally, after almost 2 years, we can safely say that yes, Luqman is eczematic. He has what is called Papular Eczema. A visit to the skin specialist a few weeks back for a second opinion was somewhat a closure to what we have been dealing with. Quite relieving in the sense that now we don't have to make enemies with the mosquitoes anymore. All these while we thought he was bitten by mosquitoes or insects.

I am sure most parents would know that eczema is a skin condition triggered by a combination of dry and irritated skin, be it hereditary or not. Skin might get inflamed or irritated due to the weather, food, bites and what not. 

Now, what Luqman is suffering (well, this is too strong a word) or shall I say experiencing, is some kind of a scattering of tiny pinhead sized bumps or papules on the skin. Imagine mosquito bites. Something like that, only the papules will soon (most of the times) filled with fluid. I assume the papules are itchy because Luqman repeatedly scratch them sometimes that they broke. And that is just so heartbreaking because the broken papules leave brownish scars on his sensitive skin making it not scar-free :(

I, for the most part have been traumatized whenever any red bumps or 'bites' appear on Luqman's skin. Thinking that it was the mosquito, we did everything we could to keep the bloodsucker away from him but to no avail. The fact that he is the only one who gets 'bitten' baffles us all the time. 

As it turned out, papular eczema is what he has. I am very sure it is not because of the food I eat or he eats because he passed his food testing as early as 6months successfully. I think it is his surroundings; weather, dust mites.

And he might have Papular Urticaria too -  a rash or skin condition caused by sensitivity to insect bites. Because he has sensitive skin, the bites might have caused the flaming red spots/bumps that are just an eyesore. We were told that this will stay with him as he grows and it might disappear gradually. Or not. For now, we are just hoping for a better skin condition.

So yes, it is not easy to swallow especially when others think that eczema is a spreading disease. Parents, please educate yourself on this and please be empathetic enough so as not to hurt the feelings of parents with eczematic children. It definitely hurt when a stranger throws a look of disgust upon seeing your child's skin condition :(

For now, we are monitoring Adeena's skin condition. So far she's clear but you'll never know. A tiny red bump appeared on her skin for the first time when she was about 3 months old and you can imagine how all over the place I felt. 

Thank God it was really the mosquito and it left no scar! Pheww!

Parting sorrow

In approximately one week or so, I will be away from my kids and husband for a 5 days 4 nights CPD Course at Port Dickson. 

It took me awhile to digest everything, got my heart consoled everytime I almost cry a bucket thinking of how my babies would be without my presence. To tell you the truth, I was more concerned of how my nights would be without them around me, waking me up every 2 hours for their feeding or just to play with me on the bed, eyes half-closed. 

I meant no offence especially to those mums out there who are away from their babies and only get to meet their kid(s) during weekends. And I don't mean to act all dramatic (5 days je kot?) but as a breastfeeding mum, I guess the separation anxiety is just overwhelming. Too overwhelming, if I may add. This would be my first time parting from them ever since they were born. 

*eyes gone watery, throat choked*

Anyway, my husband decided that the kids will stay and Ummi goes. Kalau Ikut Ummi semua nak hangkut! But yeah, that seems the best solution. Luqman and Adeena will be taken care in the good hands of my mum, husband and bibik. All their stuffs are ever ready and available and I don't have to hassle myself with all the tedious chore of packing. Plus, I can concentrate with my course and well, look forward to the uninterrupted good night sleep for 4 days *winks* Let's hope so. 

*Breathe in*

InsyaAllah, everything will be fine. 

I should be looking forward to this mini 'vacation' shouldn't I?

Ah, such parting sorrow!

A message

I guess it's true when they say the test of good manners is through patience. 

I, of all people, know that I am the least patient person alive. I have my temper, if I may add and it is a blessing that I married my husband who is cooler than I am. 

Anyway, yesterday turned out to be a very testing day. After what had happened, I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe God doesn't want me to have so much fun on my own. I believe it held its own blessings (yesterday's happenings).

I was totally on cloud nine when I finally managed to steal some time to go for a mini vacation to the pedicure after what seemed like eons I have been there. My husband was sporting enough to look after the kids. I was like a happy kid slurping on ice cream.

Only, what should be a one hour trip lasted up to a good 3 hours. *sigh*

I ended up stressed despite being totally peace and calm. How ironic.

First, I had to endure an excruciating long payment at the express counter just because one irresponsible lady decided to queue at the express counter with her whole load of shopping trolley. Very Malaysian? You bet. Didn't want to budge after being told. Stubborn? Maybe. But her daughter should have taken a more responsible action by moving to the said lane. Pissed me off big time. 

When finally finished with my quick payment, dashed out to the autopay machine only to discover that I didn't have the bloody ticket with me. Checked my handbag so many times I think people might have noticed how depressed  I looked. It struck me as weird coz it was there in that compartment when I was at the nail salon. And it was gone when I needed it. 

Hurried to the nail salon again, only to be greeted with sad news. It wasn't there. I didn't drop it. Well, of course. Then where had it gone? My heart just sank and all I could think about was why? I was totally exasperated you have no idea. 

Anyway to cut things short, my husband came to the rescue yadayadayada... and I was sooooo happy to zoom back to my MIL's place to greet my kids only to be trapped in a traffic jam because a bus decided to break down there and then. 

My breasts were starting to engorge, I was getting restless and it took me one more happening to see me burst. I was in a terrible state yesterday. I went out hoping to enjoy myself but in the end I wished I didn't. 

*SIGH*

Vented out to my friends and one of the responses caught my attention. It was of course easier said than done and one would probably say it is easy for her to say coz it didn't happen to her . But, it holds so much truth.

"You can choose what your reaction to be. And of course, you can choose not to be affected by what happened.  There is indeed some blessings in disguise".

Spot on. In the end, I recited the zikr and calm myself down. 

The blessings? Well, yeah I got to be on my own for a good three hours away from the kids. Wasn't that what I wanted? 

And of course, God is sending me a message only I know what it is.

A prolonged sickness

This week had been hectic. Work is neverending and time is always running. I have never felt so tired physically and mentally (especially) that I didn't do my body justice. Poor baby inside, berjihad bersama Ummi. To top it off, I am still recuperating from my ill-being as mentioned in my previous post.

I am still trying to eat right, properly adjusting my appetite. I really want to eat but I can just wish as much. I'd be lucky if I don't throw up the minute food enters my stomach. It's like my tummy and food are carrying negative charges; they don't jive. It struck me as weird that I had to go through this during my last weeks of pregnancy considering that I have had a breezy first 2 trimesters. And now hubby is joining the bandwagon of the 'tummyache'. Poor him. He, too, can't eat, vomited, and sights of certain food nauseated him. So we are now two adults with appetite malfunction we look miserable with food around you've no idea :(

So I (we) have been drinking a lot of fluid coz that's the only thing that's edible and does not cause me to throw up. At least something la kan rather than leaving our stomachs empty. And I notice that we prefer flavoured drink apart from air masak to relish our brackish throats. But that doesn't make us not hungry, still *tsk!*

Whatever it is, alhamdulillah for this test. I believe Allah wants to give us something better in return and also for us to be more contemplative of what's been happening.

InsyaAllah things will be better, I hope. Nothing beats wanting your appetite back and for one to be healthy and energetic, amin!

Another family addition

Ever since we knew that we're expecting, we sort of nonchalantly decided that a helper is needed once the second baby comes out. This is to help my mum cope with taking care of her 2 grandchildren at the same time making sure the house is in order. Since we will be living on our own soon, we wouldn't mind an extra hand in the household.

The search for one was done. Called here and there, asked around for contacts, and almost gave up at one point because apparently it is just so difficult to secure one. Maids are in high demand if you don't already know. 

And then the nation was shakened by the unfortunate incident of that 4-month-old baby boy who was unforgivingly abused by his maid which angered us all. We questioned our decision there and then whether a maid is really necessary. It was again finally decided that yes, we need her. 

We constantly prayed hard that we will be granted one, especially now that my due is nearing. And alhamdulillah, He heard our prayers. My aunty delivered us the good news that a maid will be arriving at our doorstep soon (in fact too soon-she'll be here tomorrow!). Syukur. What a rezeki :)

While we are all relieved, we are also silently agreeing to the fact that it is going to be a bit awkward having a stranger in the house. We have never had a maid before so we don't know how to act as employers, especially giving orders. We definitely have a lot to learn and also to teach her. And we have to get used to the fact that she'll be tagging on most of the outings (well, at least for now).

For now, she will be staying at my parents' place until our house is ready. As her arrival is somewhat unexpectedly early, we are currently clearing the back room for her to reside and transporting some stuffs out to provide more space for her.

I personally am anxious and nervous to meet this new family addition. I really hope that she is trustworthy and dependable. Most importantly one who is a practising Muslim. As a single mum herself, I pray that she will have that motherly instinct and conscience in her.

Until tomorrow comes, we are keeping our reservations to ourselves. May Allah ease everything, amin!

Final rambling

This pregnancy has made me one brittle lady. It's not easy this time around. No matter how many times I told myself to get myself together, I still face countless meltdowns; of which most are unexpected.

Having a one-year-old is already so very handful. Luqman is at that phase where he is overly active, and he is now very expressive where throwing tantrums is concerned. Don't get me wrong, he is such an angel most of the time but when he decides to be difficult, well, a (pregnant) mother can only cope so much. And then I look at my growing belly, and tears start rolling down uncontrollably.

It is exhausting; being pregnant and handling a growing toddler. My whole body aches like crazy. I can't even carry Luqman without having a backache and I give-up trying to catch up with him; I lose my breath so easily. Honestly, I don't know if I can cope. So many times I remind myself, everytime Luqman is giving me a hard time remember he is actually having a difficult time himself. I am bigger and mature, so I should know better. I guess hormones are just too empowering that I get carried away.

I know I am not in this alone. I receive all the help I can get, alhamdulillah. But at times I just feel like I am in it by myself. Again, hormones. I pity those close ones who had to cope with me, instead of the youngest one in the family. Mostly, I pity Luqman who I feel deserves better from me. 

Now I feel like crying. For no reason, really.

I am not blaming fate, not at all. Complaining, yes, maybe a bit. But I know, Allah is testing me with all of these because He wants me to be a better person. He wants me to learn to be patient and realise that it is separuh daripada Iman. And most importantly, I know He wants me to realise that when I feel like everything is crumbling, He is always there to listen, for me to pour my heart out. 

After all, He is the one with the solution just as He is with giving us problems and challenges. 

And there goes my last rambling of the year.

Scribblings at 3 am

Like every other night, I am now awake at such early hour - only I decided not to go back to slumber. Watching both my heroes soundly asleep gives me such content and I like the quietness and serenity of my surrounding. Ah, such a precious me time though the bed is a temptation.

I really don't know where this is going but I just feel like typing away. I know I should probably go back to sleep since Luqman might be awake again anytime, but I think I'll just spend a few more minutes with this post.

This is humbling. This whole me time thing. It allows you to relax, to reflect and well, slack. Slacking is something that I have long forgotten what it's like since I am always on the go and on the look out for Luqman. Even now, truthfully I am constantly checking on him every second, heh. I guess mothers just don't stop do they?

I am suddenly wrapped with this overwhelming feeling which is just hard to explain. Who would have thought that come another 4 months, I will be going through again the wonderful (yet daunting) experience of giving birth (insyaAllah!). And then, I will be a mother of two. Wow, surreal. Syukur! And who would have thought that I am reaching almost a year of breastfeeding my son; while I am pregnant that is! Subhanallah! What an experience and opportunity Allah has given me. Two major things that I am going through beautifully, alhamdulillah. 

Ok, Luqman's awake! Later!

 

Being grateful

I am trying not to complain as much as I can because I know I shouldn't in the first place.

Tired. Well, who doesn't? We all are. 

Too much too handle. Well, always remember the ones on our plate are just a tiny portion of that of others'.

Bored. Well, we all get bored at one point of our lives. Just go and do something different that will transport you out of your boredom, no? 

 

Complaining doesn't change a thing. It will only make you a person with many excuses and you'll become weak. Everytime I feel like complaining (voicing it out), I stop myself. I am sure we are all quick to articulate things that displease us (guilty!) together with the sighing. Well, it does feel good to iron out the crumple but how long does the satisfaction lingers? You'll feel better but later on, you'll have this tinge of guilt creeping in. That you shouldn't have in the first place. That you might have hurt someone along the way. 

We all should feel content and blessed. Whatever that we have now, the things that we have to go through every single day (no matter how routine and mundane), cherish them. Because once they're taken away, we'll soon realise how they colour our lives and shape us, even.

They are all tests from the Almighty. The hardships, those feelings we're feeling. I believe in that. 

Stop complaining and start improving. 

(A very great reminder to self, too)

I am grateful, alhamdulillah.