A Second Chance

I toiled for days, wondering the starting point to my story/entry.It was tough on me.Where would I begin? It was a difficult and emotional path for me, walking down memory lane and pushing forth as I was stepping on hot coals all the way.

Not many knew that two months ago,on my way home from work, I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life with my second daughter, Adeena. One second we were happily chit chatting, and the next thing I remember, I swerved to the right and the  we were upside down rolling inside the flipped car, which landed 90 degrees on the opposite lane.

I really felt that both of us were going to die. Only that, we didn't. Judging from how everything happened and the fact that both of us cheated death with only minor injuries, I have no one to turn to but only Him. 

Every moment changes us. The accident was totally unexpected, really, and the shock and trauma of it was astounding. I remember thinking very clearly; I understood everything going on, but I was hyperventilating with my left hand stretching out to grasp Adeena with my mouth constantly saying, "Allah! Allah! Allah!" I will forever remember the cries that came from Adeena and the way she cried my name.

As terrifying as that moment was, I will forever remember the great kindnesses of the helpers. I don’t know who called the police, but I am so very grateful to them. The police, the countless good samaritans who helped and be in authority was greatly reassuring. I never caught the name of the lady who were really kind to look after Adeena by the roadside and the one who sent us home, but the lady was so caring and I hope that I could see her again to thank her. One man helped me to settle issues regarding my insurance and another helped to get my husband's car off of the road. Everything was truly eased despite everything and I pray that they all know how thankful I am for them during my husband's absence. 

**In the time of the happening, my husband just took off on a plane for work and you could imagined how he felt when he was informed of what happened to us a few hours later**

Enjoy the time you have been given. Things can change so quickly. An instant will change your life forever. I am fortunate in the fact that I was not physically altered by my incident, but that could easily have not been the case. I could have died or lost a limb. I could have lost my daughter and vice versa. And I remember teasing my daughter and said "I refused to talk to you" because she didn't want to return the teddy she took back from her school before everything happened in a split second after that. Imagine if those were my last words to her. 

I still shudder thinking about it. A thud or a simple bump made me jump out of my skin. I never take that route again. 

I know He is trying to talk to me. Everything that happened was truly a wake-up call. He wants to rectify my mistakes and make me see clearer of life after having my eyes washed in tears many times. True, the car is lost, but I know I have gained a greater strength and faith; and I believe a greater gift awaits. 

Taking a break

Finally, I could take a breather. Although the one-week holiday is ending and work starts tomorrow, it was the most anticipated break ever since I started reporting myself after my confinement.

With a new boss around, stress at work is elevated. There was never a day I dread going to work and rush back when it's time. I just can't wait to be home and relax, amidst the chaos that my kids make. At one point, I really question my sincerity and happiness at work because seriously, that spirit and positivity are nowhere to be found.

As sadly as it may sound, I managed not to think about work or even do any school-related work throughout this break, which is a big yeay for me. Managed to declutter my mind for the time being. Am so thankful for this break, too, because my husband is around most of the days so we had our fair share of house chores and handling the kids.

We managed to plan for a beach vacation nearby which was totally the highlight of the week. Although it was mainly to fulfil our kids' wish, secretly it was mine too. It's been so long since we last paid the beach a visit so to be able to feel the sand beneath our feet and let the waves washed away our imprints was just therapeutic. 

For now, life is really good. I am just going to enjoy the remaining hours of my break before saying hello to the hustle and bustle life tomorrow.

Lazy Sunday

Missing Atok

When I answered the call from my sister yesterday afternoon to a sobbing voice at the other end of the line, I somewhat knew. I have been having that inkling since the day when we were all told that he was getting weaker. 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un 

"We surely belong to Allah and to Him we shall return."

Just yesterday morning we were all alarmed by his worsened condition. Our Mak Ngah who has been taking care of Atok informed us family that he was too weak to even budge and he barely opened his eyes. The doctor came to the house and injected some glucose as he was hypoglycemic. Mom was already there the moment we were told. 

God knows better - a few hours later, Atok was gone. He was 93 years old. 

We rushed back to Kanchong Darat just in time before the Jenazah prayer was about to be performed. Alhamdulillah, sempat tengok wajah Atok. I didn't get to see and kiss Nenek when she passed away two years ago because we arrived quite late. 

I am quite disappointed because I can't even remember the last time I visited Atok. I didn't get to see him at the last cousin's wedding we attended because he already went back -- he was feeling uncomfortable. 

Yesterday, Atok looked so calm and serene. Despite the heat, it rained very heavily; leaving the earth with some fresh smell. The sweet fragrance of the after rain accompanied Atok throughout the process. Alhamdulillah.

 He was well-known in Banting as he was a teacher and Guru Besar. Everybody pretty much know who Wak Sarkam or Cikgu Sarkam was. He served the community well. May he be placed among the good, amin.

Al-Fatihah

Allahyarham Haji Sarkam bin Ramlan

1923-2016

At this point of time

Sometimes, being pregnant can feel as if it's a full-time job already. And it's tough when you've already got a full-time job yourself -- the kind that requires you to move, climb up the stairs and entertain 30-40 clients at a time. Fatigue is not even apt to describe what I have been feeling everyday for the past 8 months I am carrying. That's my biggest challenge so far -- fighting fatigue.

Things can get quite stressful, I admit, but I try not to make it adversely affect my health and my mood. The thought of a 3 months leave seem to uplift me the most and a newborn in my arms to hold. And yes, of course, I get plenty of sleep and rest. 

Despite the occasional struggle, exhaustion, pain and frustration, alhamdulillah, life continues to be amazing. And all is happy in my corner of the world.

Love til Jannah

Last Saturday, I attended a so called casual talk (sembang santai) by Ustazah Isfadiah Mohd Dasuki at our surau. I find the topic so simple yet the content presented by her was so profoundly crucial. It is the most basic understanding of what it means to love that brings us to Jannah. 

Below are some of the gist I managed to jot down for our own benefits insyaAllah :

1. How do we love ourselves or how do we know we really love ourselves? It's when we hate to enter hellfire. Meaning to say, whatever actions, decisions, food we choose to eat, and clothes we wear are the reflection of how much we want to enter Jannah and how we show our love towards Allah SWT. Remember, our bodies are not even ours. Our eyes, hands, health are Allah's. She gave one simple analogy: food. Do we eat to fulfil our appetite or to fulfil our bodies' needs? Yes, we might say both but we need to draw the line between eating until we're really full or just what our body needs. It's the same thing when choosing what clothes to wear; either we want to impress our creator or others.
2. How do we know that we have the right love? Or we are actually loving the right thing? It's when that particular love we have reminds us of Allah. It's that love that brings us back to Allah SWT and our Prophet Muhammad SAW. 
3. We have choices in life and please make the right choice. Do not fall prey to our nafsu, people, or syaitan. Remember, we are slaves only to Allah SWT. When we really realise that, then we will have that love which will bring us to Jannah.
4. Our mission and purpose in life has to be clear. It's when some of us who are unclear of our purpose and the reason we're brought to this world that we have all sorts of problems (social problems, to be exact). This is because we tend to be the slaves of nafsu. Pursuing temporary worldly fun for example. Zina, maksiat, and other teens social problems are evidence that we're now facing a big challenge from the younger generation. In short, they do not love themselves. So, betulkan our niat. All the things that we have now, the people that we meet, the challenges we've been through are just tools to meet Allah SWT. To nurture our love towards Allah which eventually will bring us to Jannah.
5. She reminded us to leave things or people that do not bring us closer to Allah. This is because when we love Allah, no matter what we do, we say, we choose, in the end we will find Him at the end of the spectrum. That's because we love ourselves and most importantly we love ourselves because of Allah SWT. 
6. She stressed to love our anak-anak syurga. Our kids are our ultimate amanah. Love them. Use nice words to them. For every good deed, good display of action no matter how small pray for them. Even better, pray in front of them. Let our dua be heard. They're never too young to understand. InsyaAllah they will be the ones that will lead us to Jannah.
7. "Jagalah hak Allah nescaya Allah akan jaga hak kamu". When we pray, be conscious of our deeds (good and bad), instil the values of insaf because in reality, we owe Allah so much. We owe Allah more than we pray to him 5 times a day. Look around. Think of the nikmat that He has given us all these while.

Those above were the gist of her talk. Personally, sangat-sangat terkesan with what she said. InsyaAllah, with what I shared will be of benefits to all of us. Sometimes, we need this kind of reminder to make us be on the right track again. InsyaAllah, love til Jannah :)

By the way, I also had the chance to grab her book ; 365 Tips Didik Anak Gaya Nabi 1 Hari 1 Tip. I urge every parent to have this book because the content is so easy to read and she even provides sahih hadith which are totally relatable to parenting. It will be a good read to us all, insyaAllah.

Expenses and savings

"A man who both spends and saves money is the happiest man, because he has both enjoyments" Samuel Johnson

Living on our own proves to be a challenge where expenses and savings are concerned. I think many would agree that no matter how difficult, our wants and needs have to be clearly marginalised because the budget has now gone tight.

I am not a shopper to begin with. Shopaholic? Not even close. But I like to buy (read : treat) myself things which are worth to be spent on. Being a girl that I am, mostly those things are girly things; clothes, books, shoes, handbags, accessories. Now that I am a mother, most of my spendings are directed to buying my kids stuffs, sometimes more to my liking than theirs. But because now I have a tight budget, these things are not a luxury anymore. Our savings and expenses are now on matters which are far more important.

  I have become someone who would think twice where spending on 'wants' is concerned, and I have learned to accept the fact that yes, one simply will not die because of this. And because of that, I have become more 'mature' in my spending (but one who needs constant reminding from le hubby hehe). Of course, it is not easy. It never was. But we gotta do what we gotta do. Living in an era where everything just skyrockets, following a stringent spending frame is inevitable if you do not want to be swamped with debt. 

Having said that, of course the wants for things is just unavoidable, especially when it's payday. Truth be told, I have never felt happier come 25th every month because when you are literally living from paycheck to paycheck, that one day of the month is like a breather. That one day gives you hope that you can treat yourself even if it's just a scoop of BR's Chocolate Mousse Royale. And you can start dreaming again on saving and buying things that would make your heart blossom.

But you know, one thing that I have greatly learned from our financial situation and management is that, enough is better than too much. So true isn't it? And it's not like we're dead poor or something (to put it bluntly). Allah's rezeki has been with us all along. It has never been short of generous although it might not be as abundance as everyone else's. And I believe that all the things that He has eased for my family and I - that is the ultimate Rezeki, I think. 

So, yes. For now, everything is sufficient for us. Everytime if I think I have extra, I would think of the time when I have almost none, and those people who suffer a greater deal than us. If we fasten our attention to what we have, rather than what we lack, a very little wealth is sufficient, no? 

Because materialistic wealth, as we are well aware of, will not be our companion to the other world. Let us work hard and start saving for the real afterlife, insyaAllah!

Never stop

I am feeling a lot of things lately. With recent happenings, I can't help but feel sad. Well, sad doesn't really sum up my inside. This tremor has left me scared, anxious. Angry, even. At one point, I think I wasn't feeling a thing. I just couldn't be bothered because it was just too much for me to digest. 

 It's a sign, for sure. A very clear message to us, the forgetful. A warning, a wake-up call for us to sit up and repent. We have drifted so far, whether or not we realise it. 

There's just so much that we can do, but in the end, He is the most powerful.

Kun fayakun.

May we never stop praying. May we always be under His blessings. And may we always, always be those among the righteous, the good, amin!

Story of the heart

The past few weeks have been quite tough on me, emotionally. 

First, I had to endure the 5-day separation from my loved ones to attend a course. I still remember how empty and horrible it felt sleeping and waking up without them around. It almost brought me to tears having not to smell the familiar scent that I used to breathe-in. Luckily, the packed schedule helped me to fight back tears. The happening and friendly bunch of people there made me forget about home for a while and they were the reason I actually enjoyed my course.

Then on the day I returned home, my husband was already away for his Treasure Hunt activity which meant we missed seeing each other. He also spent the night at Gambang and only returned home the next day. Not having to see him for a week was quite sad and I was so emotional that I didn't get to seem him for another 2 days extended. Of course I had all the reasons to be so emotional. It's like my other wing was broken and I lost all spirit. 

The day after, he was scheduled for his work trip out of the country for 5 days more and I was totally under the weather. My heart cringed and I was fighting back tears. I didn't mind him going for outstation but not being able to see him back-to-back?? I've never had to deal with such long separation before so yes, it was too much for me to swallow.

I still struggled after all this time without my husband around. I have to admit, my kids tend to act out too whenever ayah is not around. And every fibre of my being was tested. I cried, maybe, a few times. But I chinned up and wiped it off because I know Allah loves me. He won't endow me something that I can't handle and I know He is building me to be stronger.

Throughout my husband's absence, I did a lot of reflection. I spent many nights alone, thinking and pondering about the things that I have done, about the kids, my marriage. I cried. I cried and I cried. And boy, I felt so relieved. (You see, when your spouse isn't with you the melancholic feeling tend to empower so everyday rasa nak feeling feeling)

From the way I see it, having to deal with the struggles, the separation and what not are Allah's show of love, subhanallah. Without struggles, I won't be strong. Without problems, I won't be smart. Without my kids testing my patience, I wouldn't know love. And Allah keeps on giving me even without me asking. Throughout those few weeks of being a single parent, too, our rezeki has been nothing short of generous. Despite the little hardships, I realised Allah has eased so many for me and my family that without his mercy, I wouldn't even want to think of how we'd survive. 

I remember greeting my husband at the door when he came back from his work trip that day feeling truly emotional. What initially was a negative rebellious kind of emotional feeling, it blossomed into something nicer. Beautiful even. Alhamdulillah syukur.

Sometimes, nikmat Allah dirasai dan disedari bila kita dalam kekurangan. And yes, absence does makes the heart grows fonder :) 

 

A short note

Salaam and hello earthlings,

I have been away for too long, I know. It wasn't intentional to leave this site dusty, let alone abandoning it absolutely. 

I have been ... busy? Yes, I was and still am. Busy living my life, not virtually.

Family is my priority. My dear kids are always hanging onto me, leaving me with no time to blog entirely.

As for my job, well, what can I say? So far, it's been okay. I am trying hard to keep my head above water, on top of everything else.

Our new abode is another story. Been living on our own for almost 6 months now. Tough, hands down. But you learn independence all the same. Tiring, yes. Exhausted more like it. Burnt out at times. And we've lost a few kilos, if I may add.

I have a lot - like, really a lot to tell. Until we have secured ourselves a decent internet plan, my presence here might be minimal. I just don't fancy updating from my mobile. Satisfaction not guaranteed.

As for now, it feels so good to be typing away (courtesy of my parent's wifi) and this short update will suffice for now. In case you're wondering, we are doing more than fine alhamdulillah.

"I am too blessed to be stressed"

Absolutely.

Till we meet again,

 Us, recently

Touched

Ever since we moved into our new place, everyday is an adventure. I, for the most part looked forward to a new day eagerly at the same time dreading it. With my current status as a stay-at-home mum, one can only imagine the things I go through every single day with my kids. While I am grateful that I get to be with them 24/7, there are times when I feel like hiding in my room and be oblivious to any crying. Still, I am truly grateful and blessed to be in their presence whenever I am needed. Definitely helps me forget about work, which if you ask me, a subject better not discussed. SAHM seems more appealing in every aspect.

Of course, my husband's return from work is always eagerly anticipated too. After a long, sweaty and tiring day with the kids clinging onto me, his presence gives me a breather. Bibik helps a lot too, I may add, but nothing beats having your spouse with you helping out with the kids. It warms the heart.

Staying on our own also means we have to manage our finance wisely. As we stayed with my parents before, we saved quite a lot in terms of our household expenditures which in turn helped us in our savings. But trust me, moving houses requires a lot and it (quite)burnt a hole in our pockets *tsk!* (so being a SAHM remains a wishful thinking).

These 2 months I could say that we spent quite a lot which got me into a worrying state. Payday is 3 weeks away and obviously to me it is such a long time to wait. Honestly, I am trying to stay away from any mall visits (hehe) because I can't just stroll happily without at least spending a bit (even if it's just a regular cup of Chatime). Yes, I am saving myself up to that extent which my husband thought a little bit extreme on my part. Sad, but true. Money flows like water, I tell you!

Then one night, seeing the worried look on my face (even when I don't say it aloud) he said,

"Don't you worry. Leave everything to me. I will take care of it. You just concentrate on the kids and breastfeeding Adeena ok?"

Huaaaaaa. Suddenly my eyes went watery I couldn't speak.

Touched. So very touched.

Moving out

After 3 years, we are finally moving out from my parents' house tomorrow to our own place. As for me, it will be me fending on my own after 28 years of living under the same roof as my parents. Emotional much? You bet!

For years I am so used to having my mum save the day if anything goes wrong (even after having 2 kids) because she is always around. I am so used to having my siblings around for immediate help. And I am so used to seeing my dad goes to work and always home to greet him back. 

Mostly, they won't be able to see the two little munchkins on a daily basis now. It is something that needs a little getting used to. Likewise, I need to get used to not having my family around like always *sobs*

I guess it's about time (orang lain dah lama dah duduk sendiri hehe). 

But for me, us moving out, is something big. It marks a whole new life waiting and a journey of raising our family ourselves. In our home.

Tomorrow, may everything be eased.

 Our place, alhamdulillah :)

school's out!

The holidays are here! It's time for the deserved break although I know most teachers don't really detach themselves from school and its never ending mounting work. In fact, school holidays are no longer in its truest sense for teachers.

As for me, I am trying to rest and enjoy the one week holiday as much as I can although I have all the reasons to use this break to complete my work before I go for my looked forward maternity leave (yeay!). The thing is, I just can't bring myself to start work. I am not joking when I say everytime I face my laptop, my contraction (Braxton Hicks) will start. Everytime. No kidding. It's like the little one is not allowing me to work but to pay attention to her instead - which I have no problem at all (hehe!)

But of course, I had to pull myself out OF this lazy cocoon as I don't have any other time. Plus, it's the waiting game for me as I might go into labour anytime now (scary!). Just thinking about it gives me shivers. I guess I am not that ready yet. 

Anyway, Happy Holidays to my fellow comrades who I believe are enjoying their family time everywhere around the country or out of the country. As for me, I am enjoying my stay at home mostly. Trust me, it's the best place a pregnant lady like me would like to be. Such a comforting nest! 

Being grateful

I am trying not to complain as much as I can because I know I shouldn't in the first place.

Tired. Well, who doesn't? We all are. 

Too much too handle. Well, always remember the ones on our plate are just a tiny portion of that of others'.

Bored. Well, we all get bored at one point of our lives. Just go and do something different that will transport you out of your boredom, no? 

 

Complaining doesn't change a thing. It will only make you a person with many excuses and you'll become weak. Everytime I feel like complaining (voicing it out), I stop myself. I am sure we are all quick to articulate things that displease us (guilty!) together with the sighing. Well, it does feel good to iron out the crumple but how long does the satisfaction lingers? You'll feel better but later on, you'll have this tinge of guilt creeping in. That you shouldn't have in the first place. That you might have hurt someone along the way. 

We all should feel content and blessed. Whatever that we have now, the things that we have to go through every single day (no matter how routine and mundane), cherish them. Because once they're taken away, we'll soon realise how they colour our lives and shape us, even.

They are all tests from the Almighty. The hardships, those feelings we're feeling. I believe in that. 

Stop complaining and start improving. 

(A very great reminder to self, too)

I am grateful, alhamdulillah. 

A place called home

"Home is the nicest word there is" - Laura Ingalls Wilder

After almost 1 and a half years' of wait, we finally received the keys to our home yesterday. Alhamdulillah! It's almost surreal walking into our own home. Wow. 

Together with the person in-charge, we checked (more like hubby je) for any defects that needed to be fixed. I, on the other hand, together with little boy were busy walking around, up and down the house admiring its bare content while my mind was already busy imagining the decorations and what not.

I.am.so.excited.

 

Luqman's busy checking out our home and his favourite spot was obviously the plug

Syukur alhamdulillah everything is almost settled now. We obviously can't wait to settle in into our new abode (of course a lot of work need to ensue first). To think that we first purchased this house with absolutely no moolah and we just tried our luck, is just surreal. Scary even! Alhamdulillah, we called it 'rezeki anak' because I was pregnant with Luqman at that time, and everything was smooth and eased with a little pitch here and there. Hopefully the road to moving in will be eased too, insyaAllah - now that I am pregnant again hehe

Did I tell you I am so excited?? Yes, I did! 

Finally, a place we can call home - it's everything we can walk to :)

IKEA, here I come!

my story

It has been almost 2 months but I feel compelled to share my labour story.

Like everyone else's, mine would be another 'sama tapi tak serupa' account but it was a unique experience for me.

So, I have shared the story of the first stage of labour - The Show - here. I guess I'll take it from there.

****************

That morning (28th of December 2011), at 9.30 am, we decided to make our way to the hospital because I felt the contractions were starting to peak and they were frequent. It felt like it was never going to end, but they were still mild and I could still walk albeit slowly.

Once in the labour room, the normal procedure was carried out. The nurse checked and my cervix had dilated 3 cm. I remember the first thing the nurse did was to insert a pil into my anal for me to pass motion almost immediately. That was done to empty my bowel. Then my urine was forced out through a tube. I was too busy coping with my contraction that I wasn't really aware of what's been done or how. Next, she broke my water and that was the start of a stormy time for me, physically and emotionally. The whole time I was strapped to a CTG machine to monitor the baby's heartbeat.

At about 12 pm, I began to feel some expulsive, pushing contractions. It was painful, they really hurt. After some time, I just couldn't take it anymore. At one point, I felt shaky, shivery and sick. I looked at my husband begging for him to do something but of course there's nothing that he could do. He held my hand and cuddled me, in the hope of trying to make the pain go away but it won't. We also had the beautiful ayat from the Quran be on constant play on our Ipad - that was really calming. The nurse checked on me every hour and alhamdulillah, I seemed to dilate every hour, too.

At about 2.30pm, that's when I said I really couldn't carry on anymore. The pain was really tugging that I remember falling asleep for awhile - I guess I blacked out. The contractions were pushing my cervix to its limits before the big push. It was intense. It's like your lower body is going to fall off anytime but it didn't. It also felt like you're going to pass motion - only it is out of your control. I feel sorry for my husband whose hand I gripped so tightly come every contraction (that's not even birth time yet!). I was too tired coping with pain that I can't even verbally recite the dhikr. I recited them in my heart. In the midst of that all, I managed to eat a few kurmas and drank some water.

This phase went on for an hour when the nurse who checked my opening said "Okay, dah 9 cm. Dah boleh mula push ye". I began to panic because this is it! I was really scared of what's to come at the same time I can't wait for it to be over. This was when I could feel the pressure between my legs and I know the baby's coming out anytime. The doctor came. Together with 2 nurses and my husband, they guided me and encouraged me throughout the hard work. I pushed down during contractions and took breaths in between.

As my baby descended, I got an overwhelming urge to push but somehow the baby still isn't out yet. It's when I saw the doctor reached for a cup-like suction device that I know my baby will need a helping hand to be delivered. As much as I prayed for a normal unassisted birth, God has better plans. My baby was vacuumed. Because I was getting an assisted birth, I also had an epiosotomy - a cut made at the skin of the entrance of the vagina towards the back passage (yikes!) to allow for the vaccum device to be inserted. With that and a few hard long pushes after, my baby was delivered at 4.05 pm - on the day of my EDD (yeay!)

It felt like a huge watermelon had gushed out and at the end of that, all I can say is I have never felt so relieved in my life. It's finally over! The placenta was delivered too which made my stomach felt really empty. My husband can never stopped planting kisses all over my face and I was too exhausted to really care. We praised Allah for his gift and we were relieved that everything ended with no complications.

The stitching and whatever things that took place after labour weren't much cared for as I was too busy admiring our baby. The fact that I was covered with blood and bodily fluids didn't distract me at all. Like I said, I was just overwhelmed with relief. All the time, I felt like I didn't just go through that all. It was like having an out-of-body experience. I didn't shed any tears, too, and we were all smiles.

It was when my husband recited the azan and iqamat that I felt a lump in my throat. Realization hit me that this precious little thing is our ultimate responsibility, our little caliph on earth.

This has got to be my greatest achievement ever. Nothing would ever top this feeling of pure satisfaction that we had made him and I have never felt so content alhamdulillah!

I am now a proud mother.

*******************

It was indeed a battle. That is why syurga itu di bawah tapak kaki ibu :)

Be grateful that you're a woman because we are definitely the chosen ones.

And praise Allah for all the rewards he bestowed upon us :)

single-handed

I now have developed a profound admiration for single parents. I really really salute them because I have tasted what it's like to be one. No, not exactly that kind. It's more like handling everything single-handedly.

Husband's been down with fever again so last night he was totally knocked-off once he went to bed. So I have been on guard looking after Luqman (and him) throughout the night.

Before, it was very difficult because I wasn't confident handling Luqman alone as he was still very fragile. I was very dependent on my husband especially to put him to sleep. That time, husband was also down with flu and cough so he couldn't be near Luqman for fear of infecting him. So you could imagine all the things that I had to do alone. Don't even start on how tiring and emotional the experience was, especially when I had to wake up at every cry and no more alternate shifts with husband. Thank God I had my mum to help a bit.

Last night, I am surprised at how easy everything was to me. Luqman was cared just fine. I was awakened a few times and I attended to his needs. I can't say it wasn't exhausting (it is, really) but I guess it's true what my mum always tells me "Kalau kita ikhlas, semua benda mudah. Especially when it comes to taking care and raising a child". Not that I am not sincere before but you know, sometimes when I am just about to doze off, that's when Luqman starts to make a sound and you can't help but go "Alaaa, baru nak tidur. Haiihh". So, in the end, it isn't really ikhlas. Then, mulalah rasa semua susah serba tak kena.

What I had to go through is just for a day. I can only imagine how you single parents (ladies especially) do this every single day for years, plus other things that need to be taken care of. Memang kena betul-betul ikhlas, be strong and determined. Istiqamah is also the key.

I also salute you housewives (love you ma!). You people do everything single-handedly - what with child rearing (when husbands go to work), cooking, tidying, etc. and never complained. My mum is the perfect epitome of that. I am so proud of who I (and my siblings) have turned out to be today because of my mum who sacrificed a lot. She stopped working once I was born for the sole purpose of wanting to see me grow before her eyes. I also have many friends who are housewives graduands. They could have gone far in life but stopped working to raise their child themselves. All I can say is, may Allah bless you and may you be rewarded in return. Besar pahalanya.

Me with my housewife mama, 2012

a new everything

It's the last day of January. Already??

In a blink of an eye, Luqman turned 1 month a few days ago. Yeay, alhamdulillah!

Time does fly, huh? The last time I remember I was battling labor pain and Luqman popped out. Wait, that was last year? How I lost track of time.

I am just so thankful that I am given the chance to live life as it is today, fit and healthy alhamdulillah.

2011 was a whole lot of things - my pregnancy being the ultimate agenda.

I foresee 2012 a more challenging year with more responsibilities. Parenthood has its own ride and insyaAllah together hand in hand my husband and I will brave it.

As for work, I hope I will be able to deliver the best and try something new for a change once I start. I hope to speak up more and not to be too oblivious of what's around me.

Most importantly, I will try not to sweat the small stuffs. And of course to just have fun and enjoy life in between.

Alhamdulillah, the new year kickstarts pretty much on the right track. I can't wait to see what else 2012 has in store for me and my little family. Let's hope for a good one all year round.

p/s I am just a few days away to achieving my other ultimate new year resolution - few more pounds to shed : )

It's all in the mind

Fear and worry are the misuse of the imagination. I read that somewhere. It is true.

At this point of time, I am trying really really hard to not fall for those two and let them swamp me.

Fear. The more you think about how everything will be, how much your body can handle the pain, or just how scary the experience will turn out to be, that's what you will get.

Worry. The more you worry, the scarier it gets. They are related.

Like I said, it is all in the mind. It can play tricks on you. So I have to be positive, shut every negativity out.

It is all in the mind.

InsyaAllah!

feeling good

Today has got to be the best day of the week, I suppose. The new timetable has allowed me to breathe a little. I now teach 24 periods per week with only 4 teaching periods today.

Yippee!!

I got so many things done. I can now focus on my headcount. And I have my own room to do all that. Air-conditioned, may I add :)

Apart from that, I'm feeling just happy. Happy happy happy happy. Alhamdulillah :)

I guess it's true what they say. When you start the day with the right foot, good things will ensue later of the day. And I have only Him to praise :)

thank you

I think I might need to start a thankful / grateful note every single day to remind myself how (truly) blessed I am. (Truly x - inspired!) And that life is too short to sow hatred and wasting time regretting (and worrying!)