This pregnancy has made me one brittle lady. It's not easy this time around. No matter how many times I told myself to get myself together, I still face countless meltdowns; of which most are unexpected.
Having a one-year-old is already so very handful. Luqman is at that phase where he is overly active, and he is now very expressive where throwing tantrums is concerned. Don't get me wrong, he is such an angel most of the time but when he decides to be difficult, well, a (pregnant) mother can only cope so much. And then I look at my growing belly, and tears start rolling down uncontrollably.
It is exhausting; being pregnant and handling a growing toddler. My whole body aches like crazy. I can't even carry Luqman without having a backache and I give-up trying to catch up with him; I lose my breath so easily. Honestly, I don't know if I can cope. So many times I remind myself, everytime Luqman is giving me a hard time remember he is actually having a difficult time himself. I am bigger and mature, so I should know better. I guess hormones are just too empowering that I get carried away.
I know I am not in this alone. I receive all the help I can get, alhamdulillah. But at times I just feel like I am in it by myself. Again, hormones. I pity those close ones who had to cope with me, instead of the youngest one in the family. Mostly, I pity Luqman who I feel deserves better from me.
Now I feel like crying. For no reason, really.
I am not blaming fate, not at all. Complaining, yes, maybe a bit. But I know, Allah is testing me with all of these because He wants me to be a better person. He wants me to learn to be patient and realise that it is separuh daripada Iman. And most importantly, I know He wants me to realise that when I feel like everything is crumbling, He is always there to listen, for me to pour my heart out.
After all, He is the one with the solution just as He is with giving us problems and challenges.
And there goes my last rambling of the year.
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