A wind of change

As I was happily chatting and laughing with my colleagues while stappling the exam papers yesterday, I realised that I really love being around them. Some  have even become like family that the thought of not seeing them for a period of time left me with a heavy heart.

 

For the most part, we all share the same sentiment and we really do help and support each other A LOT. In a workplace where the 'bosses' don't seem to care much that we are bound to catch the stress disease, friends like them do help me to stay well and grounded. Most importantly, their presence make me feel HAPPY to be at work. 

 

So yes, if my transfer application is granted, I'd feel very sad to leave them behind. Why apply if I love being surrounded with so much love and warmth, you might ask? After all, I seem to do fine (in fact very well) at my current workplace.

 

Here's why.

 

1. I remember when I first started service I told myself not to be at a place for too long a time and 5 years is minimum to start moving to a new one. Complacency is something that I fear that might harm me and the way I perform. This year is my 5th year of teaching and honestly I can already feel myself at that level which really bugs me. I itch for something new, something more challenging and a new environment might offer me that.

 

2. Ever since I moved house, the journey to school has become somewhat further. I have to admit I don't really look forward to it as I have to endure the jam if I leave the house a few minutes later than I am supposed to. Plus, the toll fees that burn my pocket every single month! With the rise of the petrol price, a workplace nearby would save me a lot of cost. Like REALLY a lot.  

3. Let's face it. As a mother, I'd love to be near to my kids. If anything happens or in any case of emergency (God forbids), the house is just a few minutes away. No traffic jam, no toll fees. Journey to and back would be a breeze. I don't have to rush every morning and still be at school on time.

So yeah, those are my main reasons. Sounds cliche? They might as well be. However, as I sat down and reflected on my application transfer the other day, I realised that what I really wanted was a breeze of fresh air. I wanted to work in a new environment where administration is concerned. I have had my share working under a stressful one and I am not saying the one at the new place is not. It is just that a change would do me good, really. I want to experience new things and surroundings, meet new people and have new sets of students added to my teaching album. 

If ever I get my transfer, I am sure that Allah wants me to be there and it is the best decision. But if not, I believe that He is the best planner and He has better things coming my way insyaAllah! 

I remember a colleague's words : Kalau tak dapat pindah maknanya sekolah ni dan pelajar-pelajar ni masih perlukan awak. Think positive ok. You still have something to offer here.

 

True that. As for now, I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Parting sorrow

In approximately one week or so, I will be away from my kids and husband for a 5 days 4 nights CPD Course at Port Dickson. 

It took me awhile to digest everything, got my heart consoled everytime I almost cry a bucket thinking of how my babies would be without my presence. To tell you the truth, I was more concerned of how my nights would be without them around me, waking me up every 2 hours for their feeding or just to play with me on the bed, eyes half-closed. 

I meant no offence especially to those mums out there who are away from their babies and only get to meet their kid(s) during weekends. And I don't mean to act all dramatic (5 days je kot?) but as a breastfeeding mum, I guess the separation anxiety is just overwhelming. Too overwhelming, if I may add. This would be my first time parting from them ever since they were born. 

*eyes gone watery, throat choked*

Anyway, my husband decided that the kids will stay and Ummi goes. Kalau Ikut Ummi semua nak hangkut! But yeah, that seems the best solution. Luqman and Adeena will be taken care in the good hands of my mum, husband and bibik. All their stuffs are ever ready and available and I don't have to hassle myself with all the tedious chore of packing. Plus, I can concentrate with my course and well, look forward to the uninterrupted good night sleep for 4 days *winks* Let's hope so. 

*Breathe in*

InsyaAllah, everything will be fine. 

I should be looking forward to this mini 'vacation' shouldn't I?

Ah, such parting sorrow!

mum's or MAM's?

My husband and I have been very firm of our decision on not to feed Luqman with any soothers or pacifiers. Until recently.

As he grows, Luqman noticeably drinks more. When I am off to work, I have increased the amount of milk (from 3oz to 3.5oz) for him to drink. I don't want to increase too much as I do not want him to feel bloated and I prefer frequent drinking rather than higher intake for every feed. But mum has been complaining that once he finishes his milk, he started crying - as if he is not satisfied. In many instances, his mouth moves like he is sucking even when the teat has been pulled out. Sometimes, mum has to hold him like she's breastfeeding him so that his mouth is placed at her breast (for him to sort of like suck the nipple) to sooth him/to put him to sleep.

When he is with me, his feeding session now stretches longer. The problem is, I know he is not drinking towards the end; more like he is nibbling the nipple because it makes him go to sleep and it soothes him. If I try to pull it out, he starts to get agitated up to a point where he will cry like I have never seen him before. So, I just let him suck the nipple until he stops - which normally could last until an hour. While I don't really mind, I cannot deny that it is very tiring. A lot of my things got put on hold as I either go to sleep right after or I am just too tired to do anything afterwards.

It could be due to growth spurt but I'd like to have an alternative - a solution especially during the times in need.

A soother instantly came to mind.

I actually bought one (it's from MAM, just like his bottle) a week ago but I am still undecided. For one, I fear that Luqman will be dependant on it too much that his feeding gets affected. So every time I fight the temptation and the soother is nicely kept, still. However, if the aforementioned problems occur, I am even more tempted to feed him the soother but not brave enough to let him try.

I have talked and surveyed from friends who had their child fed with soothers/pacifiers. I seem to get equal pros and cons which add on to our existing dilemma.

A friend asked me back : Do you really need to? I guess I do because I'd like both Luqman and myself (and my mum) to relax once in a while and like I said, especially during needy times (i.e a trip to the mall or anywhere when he is bound to suck longer and once being pulled off, he is awake and couldn't get back to sleep - a soother MIGHT help).

So, what say you?

uncertain

I think I might have just said yes to a post which I am not even sure I want.

Before the holidays, my PK Koko had popped me with a question and it caught me off-guard that I told her I needed some time to think about it.

During the holidays, I didn't really think about it much. It came to mind and it went just as briefly. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. Setiausaha Ko-Kurikulum is such a high post (one sits among the pentadbirs) and it is definitely demanding that I don't feel like I'm the best candidate. For the most part, I don't think I am ready for the workload which is synonymous to the post. And so, I put it at the back of my head until I was asked again today (Ingat dia dah lupa).

She could tell that I sounded hesitant. It's not even a 50-50 kinda thing. More like a 15-85 ratio, the latter being how much I don't want it. Truth be told, I am flattered to be offered such post. Seriously. What more, I was recommended by the previous PK Koko -- which came as a surprise when she told me about it. It's just that I don't think I am ready. There are just so much to do and I am afraid I won't be able to do it right.

But, on the other hand, I have this tiny urge to say yes because it's now or never. It would be great to learn how to manage things and know a little or two about how the whole thing goes in the school as far as co-curriculum is concerned. It kinda thrills me a bit. But that would also mean sacrificing much of my time.

And so when she asked me again if I was interested, I said yes (quite reluctantly)-- on the basis that I am here to learn more (yeah right) and that I can't do this unless I have a mentor (demanding pulak kan?) or someone whom I can work with together. Of course, she replied yes la kan. And she was one happy kitten when I left her room.

Oh boy. I don't know what I've got myself into. Should I even be grateful?

life plan

Once, I dared myself a question. I didn't like the question much but I guess it was just an excuse not to hear it being said out loud. I asked myself, if ever I decided to leave this profession what would I do? I've always thought that I have Plan B, but truth is, I don't. I mean, I hear many people say that they are going to leave teaching and do something else to fend themselves but quite the majority of those who said that actually have their own plans. And they seem to know which path to lead. In other words, they've been planning and apparently I don't.

For a start, I don't think I'm going to leave. Not so soon. I've just found my footing and it'd be great to actually go through this whole teaching experience probably a few years down the road. For now, I'm giving myself 4 years tops. The duration might extend though, but then I ask myself again, for what reason am I limiting myself to the amount of years mentioned? Okay, let's say four years have gone. Great. And then what exactly?

You see? I don't have a plan. To say that I don't have any is probably an understatement. Okay, I do have plan(s), but it is so vague I don't even know what I'm going to do. They're all jumbled up and somehow they have lost that priority. Getting married doesn't count. It is sort of a planned resolution all the way.

It scares me to think that there might be nothing else that I can do that quite suit my nature. I'm not saying that teaching is totally my forte (that is even scarier come to think of it). But at least it's something that I can do. I have to. All my life, all I could remember is wanting to become a teacher/educator. I've never wanted to become an engineer, a lawyer, and doctor is definitely out of the list.

So yes. It hits me that I might be in this line for quite some time. It's a vast field. I might still be a teacher but with a slightly higher post. I'm allowed to climb the social ladder, too kan? I might be the PK or the Pengetua. Maybe I'll be a lecturer come another 10 years? Or maybe I'll remain as an English teacher. For now, it doesn't seem like a problem.

A friendly conversation with a senior teacher whom I met in a recent course soothed me a little. She said, "I would never leave teaching. If ever I was given a chance, I'd never become a lecturer. I'd probably have my Masters or pHd, but I'll still be in school. It's such a pleasant experience being around with school kids. It's undescribable. I enjoy myself" (somewhere along that line)

I guess we'll see.

don't know why

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Some things escape me like the smoke vanishes easily into thin air. This sinking feeling -- it gets the best of me at times. It's hard to focus when it has become the ultimate distraction. Makes me want to stay home and hide under the blanket because honestly, leaving for work every single day makes it harder. What's wrong?

will i be patient enough?

4 years ago, I looked forward to this year with such disdain. Back then, another 4 years seemed like a long, never-ending road. I was even calculating on my life whether or not I would live to feel what being 24 is like. Looking back, those 4 years spent to get to today was nothing. Well, to say 'nothing' is probably an understatement because loads had happened actually. But what I'm trying to say is that 4 years came and went just as fast.

4 years ago, I was 20 years old. Still a teenager. I felt so young. And it was prior to the year that I flew to Australia and became a resident there for 2 years. Now, it has been 2 years since I came back for good.

See? 4 years are nothing. I bid goodbye and I was welcomed home again--in a blink of an eye.

4 years ago, I envisioned the day when I would be completing my degree. Now, it will only be a matter of time when the much-valued scroll of paper will be handed to me.

4 years ago, I never thought that I would reach this stage; that I will be turning 24 come October 4th (wow!). The fact that I even made it to my 24th year of existence is something that I should be really thankful for and not take it for granted.

So I ask myself now: What does waiting another 3 years can do to me? After all, I've gone through 4 solid years without even realising that I've made it this far.

But still, 3 years down the road surely isn't a short wait. And I'm not getting any younger, too. How? I don't think I'm good at coaxing myself.

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

I hope so.