Story of the heart

The past few weeks have been quite tough on me, emotionally. 

First, I had to endure the 5-day separation from my loved ones to attend a course. I still remember how empty and horrible it felt sleeping and waking up without them around. It almost brought me to tears having not to smell the familiar scent that I used to breathe-in. Luckily, the packed schedule helped me to fight back tears. The happening and friendly bunch of people there made me forget about home for a while and they were the reason I actually enjoyed my course.

Then on the day I returned home, my husband was already away for his Treasure Hunt activity which meant we missed seeing each other. He also spent the night at Gambang and only returned home the next day. Not having to see him for a week was quite sad and I was so emotional that I didn't get to seem him for another 2 days extended. Of course I had all the reasons to be so emotional. It's like my other wing was broken and I lost all spirit. 

The day after, he was scheduled for his work trip out of the country for 5 days more and I was totally under the weather. My heart cringed and I was fighting back tears. I didn't mind him going for outstation but not being able to see him back-to-back?? I've never had to deal with such long separation before so yes, it was too much for me to swallow.

I still struggled after all this time without my husband around. I have to admit, my kids tend to act out too whenever ayah is not around. And every fibre of my being was tested. I cried, maybe, a few times. But I chinned up and wiped it off because I know Allah loves me. He won't endow me something that I can't handle and I know He is building me to be stronger.

Throughout my husband's absence, I did a lot of reflection. I spent many nights alone, thinking and pondering about the things that I have done, about the kids, my marriage. I cried. I cried and I cried. And boy, I felt so relieved. (You see, when your spouse isn't with you the melancholic feeling tend to empower so everyday rasa nak feeling feeling)

From the way I see it, having to deal with the struggles, the separation and what not are Allah's show of love, subhanallah. Without struggles, I won't be strong. Without problems, I won't be smart. Without my kids testing my patience, I wouldn't know love. And Allah keeps on giving me even without me asking. Throughout those few weeks of being a single parent, too, our rezeki has been nothing short of generous. Despite the little hardships, I realised Allah has eased so many for me and my family that without his mercy, I wouldn't even want to think of how we'd survive. 

I remember greeting my husband at the door when he came back from his work trip that day feeling truly emotional. What initially was a negative rebellious kind of emotional feeling, it blossomed into something nicer. Beautiful even. Alhamdulillah syukur.

Sometimes, nikmat Allah dirasai dan disedari bila kita dalam kekurangan. And yes, absence does makes the heart grows fonder :)