A little under pressure

it's totally unforgiving that this place which I used to frequent is left to dust. Neglecting this space is one thing that I never intended to do but for the past months, life has been a whirlwind on its own. Work gets the best of me and motherhood is, most of the time, really hard.

I miss writing. I miss letting go of the bottled feelings. I miss blogging because at least I have a place to pour out. Like really write to my heart's content even when no one is going to really read my entries. 

This space has missed out on many important events in my life that are worthy to be shared, countless down moments that I would have wasted no time hitting the compose button to share back then, and well, just everyday things which this abode would be so happy to keep them in the archive. 

I am now back here because truthfully, at this point of time, I am under a lot of stress. I am spending a lot of time in front of my lappie because of some shitty analysis I wish I didn't have to do and because it makes my whole body aches and my head hurts. And then I will become that person I hate; one emotional, irritable lady. On top of that, motherhood doesn't stop so yeah, I'm pretty much a mess at the moment -- running around handling the kids and the household, and at the same time racing against time to meet the due. 

Hence, returning here to vent out because my husband is probably going to bleed his ears having to listen to another of my whining. 

What's worse -- I miss my sleep. My biological clock is, well, around the clock. Okay, lame.

It's past 10 pm. My bed is really calling me but I have to turn a cheek. Sometimes I really wonder, is it time to really quit my job? Haha Will probably talk about that later.

So there. this would do for now. InsyaAllah I will come back for more. 

A Second Chance

I toiled for days, wondering the starting point to my story/entry.It was tough on me.Where would I begin? It was a difficult and emotional path for me, walking down memory lane and pushing forth as I was stepping on hot coals all the way.

Not many knew that two months ago,on my way home from work, I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life with my second daughter, Adeena. One second we were happily chit chatting, and the next thing I remember, I swerved to the right and the  we were upside down rolling inside the flipped car, which landed 90 degrees on the opposite lane.

I really felt that both of us were going to die. Only that, we didn't. Judging from how everything happened and the fact that both of us cheated death with only minor injuries, I have no one to turn to but only Him. 

Every moment changes us. The accident was totally unexpected, really, and the shock and trauma of it was astounding. I remember thinking very clearly; I understood everything going on, but I was hyperventilating with my left hand stretching out to grasp Adeena with my mouth constantly saying, "Allah! Allah! Allah!" I will forever remember the cries that came from Adeena and the way she cried my name.

As terrifying as that moment was, I will forever remember the great kindnesses of the helpers. I don’t know who called the police, but I am so very grateful to them. The police, the countless good samaritans who helped and be in authority was greatly reassuring. I never caught the name of the lady who were really kind to look after Adeena by the roadside and the one who sent us home, but the lady was so caring and I hope that I could see her again to thank her. One man helped me to settle issues regarding my insurance and another helped to get my husband's car off of the road. Everything was truly eased despite everything and I pray that they all know how thankful I am for them during my husband's absence. 

**In the time of the happening, my husband just took off on a plane for work and you could imagined how he felt when he was informed of what happened to us a few hours later**

Enjoy the time you have been given. Things can change so quickly. An instant will change your life forever. I am fortunate in the fact that I was not physically altered by my incident, but that could easily have not been the case. I could have died or lost a limb. I could have lost my daughter and vice versa. And I remember teasing my daughter and said "I refused to talk to you" because she didn't want to return the teddy she took back from her school before everything happened in a split second after that. Imagine if those were my last words to her. 

I still shudder thinking about it. A thud or a simple bump made me jump out of my skin. I never take that route again. 

I know He is trying to talk to me. Everything that happened was truly a wake-up call. He wants to rectify my mistakes and make me see clearer of life after having my eyes washed in tears many times. True, the car is lost, but I know I have gained a greater strength and faith; and I believe a greater gift awaits. 

Luqman, Adeena & Fatima

Gosh, its been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve wanted to a bunch of times. But, life. There are so many different things I could write about, but I’m going to focus on my biggest reason for NOT blogging much anymore: my beautiful babies (apart from the crazy work)

These updates aren’t just for far away family members and my friends, they’re for me too. In lieu of a physical baby book or journal, I have this. It’s helpful to remember milestones, sure. But it also causes me to actually pause and reflect on their little personalities and what I love about them (and also what drive me up the wall).

#LUQMANRAIMI

My firstborn. It's just so hard to believe that he's the same baby I pushed out from my womb 6 years ago. What's even hard to believe is that he is all grown up and acting like he doesn't need his Ummi anymore *sobs* But, he is so dependable right now that more often than not, I secretly shed a tear behind his back, seeing how much he can do. There are times when he made me lose my patience (still do) and made me one green mum, but he is always the ice that cools me down too. Oh, my little boy. It warms my heart seeing how eager you are in helping me out in the kitchen, helping me with the dishes, keeping Fatima company and making her laugh when I had to complete other chores. I could go on and on about you, dear Luqman, but I guess one thing is clear -- you bring out the best of me and your father because you're our first 'teacher' on parenting.

#SORAYAADEENA

Our secondborn. Ahh, Adeena -- the clown of the family. You have grown to become such a lovely young girl although deep down you're also quite fiery. Who would have thought you'd be such an independent little girl, one who blends very well with her surroundings and most importantly you passed your toilet training quite easily I must say! Adeena is more musically-inclined as she is more into singing, rhyming, and acting (yes, acting!). She's sweet and silly (haha) when she's not driving us up the wall. Adeena, you're such a joy to be with and I know you bring happiness to the people around you, too.

#FATIMAEILIYAH

Our youngest. 9 months have passed since she said hello to the world. Now, she is really starting to know what she wants – and she may scream in annoyance if you take it away. Yerp, that's her! She's now babbling -- which is so cute! She is also cruising, standing up and holding on to furnitures -- can't really let her off my eyes, really. Fear of her falling down. Fatima is also responding happily to gestures, especially if it is her Abang Luqman playing with her. And, she has lose so much of her baby fat once she's mobile. As for now, Fatima has started to recognize people around her and when we're at home, she'll cling to me like a koala and that's exhausted enough, if you ask!

I often look at my children and think that I’m totally undeserving. I say, Why has God given me so much? (this task is too big) and sometimes I say, Why has God given me so much? (these gifts are too beautiful.) Why has he entrusted these little souls to me? The responsibility of being their mother is bigger than any goal I could set for myself. I know I was created to be a wife and mother. Parenting pierces our hearts, but I know every time I feel like giving-up, I take a look at my babies and thank Him over and over for such priceless gifts.

My husband always remind me that these gifts are our path to heaven. No matter how struggling we are, and how much our kids make us feel like we're better off jumping down a cliff, parenthood asks for us to be selfless to lose our self-interest. Love itself is a verb -- and it is always sacrificial.

Taking a break

Finally, I could take a breather. Although the one-week holiday is ending and work starts tomorrow, it was the most anticipated break ever since I started reporting myself after my confinement.

With a new boss around, stress at work is elevated. There was never a day I dread going to work and rush back when it's time. I just can't wait to be home and relax, amidst the chaos that my kids make. At one point, I really question my sincerity and happiness at work because seriously, that spirit and positivity are nowhere to be found.

As sadly as it may sound, I managed not to think about work or even do any school-related work throughout this break, which is a big yeay for me. Managed to declutter my mind for the time being. Am so thankful for this break, too, because my husband is around most of the days so we had our fair share of house chores and handling the kids.

We managed to plan for a beach vacation nearby which was totally the highlight of the week. Although it was mainly to fulfil our kids' wish, secretly it was mine too. It's been so long since we last paid the beach a visit so to be able to feel the sand beneath our feet and let the waves washed away our imprints was just therapeutic. 

For now, life is really good. I am just going to enjoy the remaining hours of my break before saying hello to the hustle and bustle life tomorrow.

Lazy Sunday

Toilet-training

Potty-training or toilet-training is a major milestone and it is a big step for both kids and parents. Alhamdulillah, our second child, Adeena, is now toilet trained and she has now ditched the diaper during the day. Such a heeeuuge success for both of us I would say. And to top it all, Allah has eased the process, in which it took us only 4-5 days of successful potty breaks with the first two days of a few 'accidents'. 

Well done, Adeena!

At 3 years and 2 months, I think Adeena surprises us all. I initially thought she wasn't ready but she actually opens up to the idea. This new transition is of course celebratory. Going through this phase the second time, I am still amazed at how good kids really are at mastering their bladder control.

Next would be to train both Luqman and Adeena the nighttime diaper-less routine which (I'm not gonna lie), is such a put off. I know I know what you're thinking. I am constantly thinking and imagining the hassle and frustration upon discovering wet beds and pants even before I start the nighttime training. Tried a few times with Luqman before and my husband and I agreed that he still wasn't ready. Saved us the exhaustion of constantly washing his pants and changing the mattress covers, too. 

I guess after a year, I think he might ready. Adeena, too. We shall see :) And once we start, let patience be our mantra to success hehe

Ramadhan Kareem

It's Ramadhan again - the glorious month. It's the time we get to perform one of the pillars of Islam; fasting. It is also called the generous month because we get many generous blessings; we pray and do charity and get rewarded abundantly insyaAllah. 

I am so grateful that I get to meet Ramadhan again, alhamdulillah. While most of us warmly welcome Ramadhan, as a parent, I quietly fret about how to handle three kids (especially it's the school holidays now) and keeping them entertained while I'm exhausted from the fasting. Balancing parenting (include breastfeeding too) and fasting is definitely challenging and I salute all stay-at-home mums out there!

My toddler kids have so much energy. I have to really keep up with them; switching from one activity to another. Thankfully Fatima is at that stage when you offer her the boobs, she'll pengsan right after and I will anticipate her next wake after 3 hours tops. In the mean time, I rush to complete any house chores or just looking after Luqman and Adeena.

Most of the times, I let them play and play and play until they get bored and I'll switch something on the TV for them to watch right after. While I can say that they certainly can manage on their own, it's the siblings' squabbles that really tick me off. It's so frustrating and exhausting having to referee the constant fighting every single day. Not to mention energy draining, too, especially when you're abstaining. 

Sometimes, I just let them embrace the boredom. But I guess they're still too young to really understand how to. Haha If they're tired from playing, they're hungry. Food has to be abundant in the house! Too bad I can't join their energy refuelling. 

I guess the highlight of the day is their afternoon nap. Oh boy, such a peaceful and serene place the house is when they are napping. I keep on telling them you kids have to sleep, it's Sunnah. Sleep sleep now! When really, all I want is also to nap haha I mean, it's a healthy habit and it's also a downtime needed for all of us to avoid getting on each others' nerves. 

Ahhh the challenges. And it continues right after they wake up, getting them to shower, feed them early dinner and then get ready for breaking fast. My day during Ramadhan usually will end  at about 10-11 at night after I have performed my prayers. Terawih is absolutely at home, no doubt. And a brand new day starts again as early as 5 am. 

You know, we mums will keep on saying this and that, complain of the fatigue and challenges. But I guess if given a choice we wouldn't want it any other way. Tiring, yes, hands down. But seeing your kids right in front of your eyes, attending to their every need no matter how exhausted; it's such a blessing. Knowing that every night when you kiss your kids good night and make them recite the prayer in chorus and they say they love you in return, gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling that wipes away all the sweat, tears and tiredness.

May the force be with us mums this Ramadhan. May we be persistent in our responsibility and ibadah. And may Allah reward us generously, insyaAllah.

Ramadhan Kareem!

Celebrating Fatima and Ashman

As with our two previous children, we also hosted the aqiqah ceremony for Fatima to celebrate her birth. It's always anticipated by us because it is also a time for family gathering and a good feast (kambing golek, you feeling me? haha)

My parents have been so generous to offer their place as the venue for Fatima's aqiqah. So, on the 21st of May (after about a month plus), the event was held together with a majlis kesyukuran and tahlil.

It was just a simple event to celebrate her birth and also Ashman, my nephew. It was also my first meeting with relatives and close friends after my confinement so I felt truly excited. 

The Harun clan

Our three little precious :)

With my in-laws 

The cousins from my husband's side

The celebrated little lady :)

Fatima was being such a gem as she wasn't cranky and she slept the entire time; even when she's being passed from one person to the other. She slept soundly in the cot so I took the opportunity to mingle and meet with the guests, many of whom I have been dying to meet. Alhamdulillah, the event was a success. Food was awesome and I personally had a wonderful time.

One for the album 

Then, 2 weeks later it was my nephew's aqiqah, held at my sister's parents-in-laws' place. Another event anticipated because, well, there's food ( kambing golek!!) and also because their family decided to do the berendoi and the shaving of the hair. 

The so-called berendoi dais

TMAZ - Tun Muhamad Ashman Zulkarnain

The new proud parents with their baby, after the head-shaving ceremony

Food was great and everything went well despite the heat. Ashman behaved, too, the entire time especially during the head-shaving ceremony by the ustaz. 

More pictures taken :

*Luqman's missing coz he was sleeping at the time this photo was taken*

And, these two little munchkins were the most tired ones haha 

Ashman and Fatima

 Having a child is a great blessing from Allah so performing aqiqah is a way of being thankful. Besides, hosting a ceremony also is another purpose to invite family and friends to the blessed occasion where food and meat are served. At the end of the day, no matter how you decide to host the event or how you want to perform your aqiqah, it always comes back to the basic; that aqiqah is sunnah and also a sadaqah.

Get well soon

It's that time again when sleep is an evaporated matter and your sick child (baby) with an elevated temperature is the real deal. I am worried sick of my Fatima because she's been suffering from a fever for three days now. 

Couldn't believe that my baby who is hardly 2 months could be infected with this viral fever. It's the worst part of parenting I must say - knowing your child is sick and you can only do as much to make him/her feel better. *sigh*

It breaks my heart to see Fatima suffering from the fever. She is still a baby! It's the last thing I want to witness because whatever pain and queasiness she is feeling, I am feeling it twice. And like all parents, I wish the pain is mine. 

I just hope and pray hard that come tomorrow she'll at least have a normal temperature and a better well-being. 

God, give me strength for the day and shine me the light for the way.

Please make du'a for my Fatima, too. 

Get well soon, baby girl.

Joyful April

It's almost the end of April but I hope it's not too late to share with you people what a joyful month it has been. 

2 memorable events took place this month - would have been three if it's not for Fatima's early debut (she decided to say hello to the world on the 31st of March, 2 days prior to her EDD).

On the 8th of April, it was Soraya Adeena's 3rd birthday. She was really looking forward to this day because she wanted a cake. Sorry little girl, no fancy schmancy cake this time around but I am sure you absolutely loved the tiny delicious Macadamia Caramel Cheese cake ayah bought you. Oh and that one sliced Chocolate Prune Cake, too! 

I obviously just started my confinement so my husband and I were thankful that my family took the effort to drop by with food and presents for the kids. Totally made their day. I, on the other hand had to salivate over those cakes and the KFC bucket that my brother bought while all of them were having a finger-licking good time.

Couldn't be more happy with their presence!

To Soraya Adeena,

No words can truly express my love for you. It's hard not to fall in love with you and be smitten by you. Three years have passed and I see my own reflection in you without having to look into the mirror. You are definitely a joy to have and be around with and you definitely leave a pride in me and your dad. May you grow up to be the best muslimah insyaAllah, one who benefits the ummah and those around you. My prayers for you will never stop. Love you so much debob!

Then, on the 21st of April 2016, the wait was finally over. My youngest sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy weighing at 3.6 kg. We were all swelled with pride and joy with this new addition to the family. My parents were the most happy, I would say. Two new grandchildren this year!

I couldn't wait to hold my first nephew so off I went to the hospital with Fatima and my parents the next day while Luqman and Adeena were in school. I was already on my 23rd day of confinement; feeling pretty ok already hehe

Tun Muhamad Ashman Zulkarnain, you are such a cutie Mak Long so geram!

The next day, Luqman and Adeena visited Mak Su and said hi to their little cousin for the first time. 

It's still surreal, really what with me having my third child and my sister had her first. We're all grown ups already! And now we're talking mummy lingo ey!

Can't wait for May coz it'll be a joyful one for me -- the end of confinement period! Weehuu!

Third time's a charm - Part 2

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It was already 7 am. And we're still pacing up and down the room. Suddenly I had this urge to pass motion. Twice. My heart raced so fast and I panicked. I told my husband and he pressed the bell. The nurse came into our room and I told her my situation. The next thing I knew, I was rushed to the labour room on a wheelchair and I could feel my face turned white. This is it! It's time! 

Everything happened so fast. I was wheeled into this bright room with two midwives readily waiting. I was slowly transferred onto the bed. A female doctor came to check and I was already 7cm dilated. All the while, the contractions changed to expulsive, pushing ones. I was grunting with each contraction. Then, my husband came and sat next to me while holding my hand. I think he's saying words of encouragement or reciting his prayer; I don't quite know as I was too distracted with the pain and the urge to push. 

After a few minutes, the midwives got me ready into a pushing position. The doctor's been telling me when and how to push and she was so good at guiding me. She taught me how to really breathe properly with every contraction and to me, that really helped in giving birth this time around. I guess it took me 4 really long push (and tears streaming down my face) until the hard work was finally over. It was 8.36 am.

The next few minutes were blurry. I was left feeling nauseous and shaky. I was panting and my throat felt dry. I heard the midwives, the doctor and my husband rejoicing once the baby was out. "Well done!" "Good job!" were all I could make of amidst the noise. My baby instantly cried her first cry and she was put on my chest after my husband was given the honour of cutting her umbilical cord. She's beautiful, mashaAllah. Tears started to form again. My husband kissed my head and squeezed my hand. I let out a huge sigh of relief. It's over. Finally. 

Except, it wasn't really over down there. The doctor was busy examining my placenta and she made sure that nothing was left behind by pressing my tummy here and there. However, I was hardly aware of all this and the stitching as I was busy focusing on my baby and offering her the breast at the same time admiring her features. 

I was exhausted -- extremely exhausted. My hands were shaky and I felt cold. I was hungry and I instantly remembered the chicken chop that I had for dinner last night before going into battle. My husband passed me the dates and I drank half of the water in the bottle. I felt rejuvenated a bit. I looked at my husband and we both smiled. 

"She looks like her abang Luqman," I said.

"Yes, she does," my husband replied.

Syukur alhamdulillah. Selamat semuanya.

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You know. I have been having all sorts of thoughts when it comes to labour and giving birth for the third time. The fear escalates because you have gone through this twice before and you know what's coming - the signs, pain, etc. But every labour is totally different and truthfully, I didn't know what to expect. However, I have promised myself that I will try to have a normal unassisted birth this time around and alhamdulillah I managed with Allah's help. I also promised myself to not give in to pain easily and try to have natural pain relief instead of taking medical ones. Alhamdulillah, as much as I want help at some point, I aced this too, this time around. He has also made it easy for me during labour despite the long hours of battling contractions. Allahuakbar!

I guess it's true what they say -- The third time's always a charm.