Almost there

It's hard to believe that I am already at my 39th week when it just felt like yesterday when we found out I was expecting. I'm in the homestretch! The anxiety, fear, and excitement are kinda overwhelming I would say. 

39 weeks pregnant me and my 34 weeks pregnant sister.

I am at that stage where everything is just not comfortable anymore. Sleeping at night is such a chore - tossing and turning to find the right position. I walk like a penguin at the rate of a gliding snail. Pregnancy at 39 weeks also means that I am always attuned to any signs of labor, which is quite scary. Yes, I am scared. Ohh, the contraction, the ultimate pain *shudders* 

It's the waiting game! And it's killing me. A little tiring don't you think? Since both my kids made their debut exactly at 40 weeks (Luqman on his EDD and Adeena came out a day earlier),I should expect the same with the third one, no? Hopefully. 

My kids have been asking the same question every single day on when is the baby coming out while rubbing and kissing my tummy. It's cute when Adeena tries to make conversation with her younger sibling in the tummy. 

We try to spend quality time as much as we can as a family now, knowing that after delivery, my focus will be shifted ultimately on the baby. I really hope that Luqman and Adeena will be able to understand later and not feel that detachment. 

I'm sure they'll be over the moon when the baby arrives hehe

For now, I would say preparation is almost 85% complete. However, I just can't get started on packing my hospital bag I just don't know why. Terrible I know. At this point of time, that bag should already be in the car when in reality it is still empty somewhere in my wardrobe. I hope I still have time.

Work wise, I didn't plan on taking leaves earlier and just continue to go to work until the end (just like my previous pregnancies) but on second thought (well, just two days ago actually), I decided to start resting this coming Wednesday. The doctor agrees and hopefully I'll get to relish the peaceful me-time three days prior to my due date. I already made mental plans on what I should be doing on that three days. So looking forward!

While I should be getting ready to celebrate, I actually dread the prospect of having to deliver a baby *cold sweat*. Please pray for me. Please pray that I would be calm and okay and that I will get through this delivery day fears. Who knows, the next time I post something here, my baby is already home :)

Magical love

There's just something magical about grandparents when it comes to their grandchildren. It's a bond like no other - the unconditional love. 

Whenever I see my parents with my kids, I wonder why weren't they the way they are right now when they were with us many many yeas ago? I guess it's because of their new role which doesn't put any pressure on them as parents. They can just enjoy their grandchildren for who they are.

 This laidback, joyful freedom way of handling kids, I presume, is why most grandchildren love their grandparents so much. I mean it's true right? With Atok and Nanny or Wan, it is so much fun because they seem to get away with pretty much everything; especially when it comes to food and gadgets. While I used to get all tense and uncomfortable because of this discipline-out-of-the-window thingy, I have come to learn to just let it go. After all, I don't want to be the 'party pooper', do I? Bukannya selalu. But of course, the line is drawn and some things have been made clear and we're all good.

Today, it's no surprise that grandparents' involvement in our kids' lives is even more important. It's comforting to know that there are other adults who love our children and are definitely looking out for them. In times of difficulties, my husband and I can never be more grateful that both our parents are just a call away and they can help take some of the pressure off us. 

While some might not agree with the involvement of the grandparents, I guess deep down we all do want some of it. Just not in a judgmental, meddling way but more to a loving and supportive way. 

Let's face it. Grandparents are VIPs -  at least to my kids. When they're with Atok and Nanny or Wan, we're forgotten! Haha They'll tell us how it is so much fun with their grandparents that sometimes I tend to think we're going to lose! However, upon seeing how smitten they are with their grandchildren, how they coo on very photos and the way their eyes lit when Luqman and Adeena entertain them with their antics, it gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling. 

And I smile thinking how lucky my kids are to have such loving and doting grandparents who don't need much to feel special; they already are special the moment their grandchildren were born :)

Missing Atok

When I answered the call from my sister yesterday afternoon to a sobbing voice at the other end of the line, I somewhat knew. I have been having that inkling since the day when we were all told that he was getting weaker. 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un 

"We surely belong to Allah and to Him we shall return."

Just yesterday morning we were all alarmed by his worsened condition. Our Mak Ngah who has been taking care of Atok informed us family that he was too weak to even budge and he barely opened his eyes. The doctor came to the house and injected some glucose as he was hypoglycemic. Mom was already there the moment we were told. 

God knows better - a few hours later, Atok was gone. He was 93 years old. 

We rushed back to Kanchong Darat just in time before the Jenazah prayer was about to be performed. Alhamdulillah, sempat tengok wajah Atok. I didn't get to see and kiss Nenek when she passed away two years ago because we arrived quite late. 

I am quite disappointed because I can't even remember the last time I visited Atok. I didn't get to see him at the last cousin's wedding we attended because he already went back -- he was feeling uncomfortable. 

Yesterday, Atok looked so calm and serene. Despite the heat, it rained very heavily; leaving the earth with some fresh smell. The sweet fragrance of the after rain accompanied Atok throughout the process. Alhamdulillah.

 He was well-known in Banting as he was a teacher and Guru Besar. Everybody pretty much know who Wak Sarkam or Cikgu Sarkam was. He served the community well. May he be placed among the good, amin.

Al-Fatihah

Allahyarham Haji Sarkam bin Ramlan

1923-2016

Sick days

It's been the toughest and testing two weeks so far. We've all been under the weather for God-knows-how-long. And we all know getting sick is never fun. Imagine getting sick while you're pregnant - worst! It's the last thing I need, but it can happen all too easily. Being sick for two is twice as uncomfortable already and I had to look after the other three members of the household, too. 

It all started with me going down with the bug - suffice to say I got the whole sick package. Was on medical leave for two days - a continuation from the weekend. Then, Luqman followed suit. Expected, Deena joined in the trio later. The best of prevention doesn't always do the trick, so my husband fell prey to this vicious trap, too -  the nasty virus that's been lurking in the household. 

The thing about being a mom who falls sick is this - you're almost not allowed to. Moms don't fall sick, remember? It's a universal truth!  When I inevitably succumbed to the nasty virus, I remember thinking there's no way I am going to be sick. I just couldn't let everything go for a while. Laundry, dishes and clutter piles - that helpless feeling which resulted me being one cranky mom. 

As much as I want to curl in bed, put myself first to get the rest I need, I know it remains a wishful thinking as it is. When moms are sick, business is as usual. My kids needed me. I had been shouldering the extra load especially when my husband was down for the count; I took lots of midnight temperatures, wiped lots of little noses, cleaning up the vomits and  sponging those fiery hot bodies until I fell asleep in a sitting position.

Thinking back, I shuddered. I shuddered because I managed, I tackled the mess with vengeance for days despite my weak condition. But I have to give credit to my husband, too for even though he was weak beyond compare, he tried to help around, letting me rest and had my shift off. 

Alhamdulillah, all is well now. I am better. Kids have recuperated and hubby is out and about already in Bangkok for the next three days. 

I know I probably shouldn't say this but I think I am amazing *blows nails*. Moms are amazing, really. We're sick yet we still run the house. We're super humans. For one, we just don't get sick days.

New journey

Last week, my husband dropped the bomb over dinner which luckily, I wasn't choked after hearing it. The news was somewhat surprising but not totally unexpected. It's just I didn't think it would be so so soon. 

My reaction was that of a hysterical laughter followed by his, too. While holding his hands, gripping them hard, I know deep down things will change from now on. 

I foresee a lot of sacrifices have to be made in the future - juggling time between family and studies -- especially after I have given birth (which is just a few weeks away). No more frequent weekend outings (oh dear!). And the thought of me handling three kids without his presence is enough to make me shudder. 

But, I believe Allah has planned it all the way. An unexpected situation always comes with wisdom, and we're up for it insyaAllah. I am so so supportive of his new journey in life (I can never be more happy, in fact!) but I also know the beginning is always the hardest. I know, too, that there's no turning back on his part and insyaAllah we will ace this together. 

On top of that, I am so grateful that both of us have our support system (both our families) which we can rely on in times of difficulties. Praying hard that everything will be eased. 

All the best hubby. You know I am always right by your side :)

Super (pregnant) mom

My husband just left at the wee hours of the morning for a day outstation. While this has not been the first time, it's the first he's away leaving me 8 months plus pregnant with two kids and a household to manage for the day. From my point of view, it is already challenging enough. 

Truth be told, I have been preparing for this day for so long. It's a major drag. Yes, it's just a day but given that I am such a whale right now (oh yes, I am!), I can't help but envision that I would pass out at the end of the day. 

Kids will be up in half-an-hour. I have prepared everything the day prior to save me the hassle and drama this morning. I cannot be more than grateful that my superior allows me to report for work a little later than usual. 

I CAN DO THIS!

With some planning done, I think I can go through today's short-term single motherhood (so dramatic, I know!) smoothly. And like a pro. 

May the force be with me.

Morning cries

Adeena is almost 3 now and she's the earliest of the two to be sent to the nursery. The thought of sending her for the first time was hard, considering she was hardly 2 at that time. To me, she was too young to be separated and it was the biggest step we had to make as parents. Besides, it was the only choice we had after Bibik was sent home and this decision was mainly dictated by our career demands. I remember it was a very sensitive time for the both of us but Adeena was a star. Everything was eased and despite the ongoing crying that broke my heart every time, she managed after two weeks. The rest was history and life continues to be breezy.

Only, the crying started again December last year -- that's almost after a year plus she's been at the nursery. My husband and I agreed it must have been hard for Adeena to resettle after a month's break from the nursery (it was the school holidays so my kids stayed at home with me). Out of worry, I constantly pep talk her, telling her she has to go to school, play with her friends while ayah and ummi go to work. Every single day, that's what we did and she would nod like she really understood and her reply would be "Nanti Ummi ambik Adeena kan?" I was so crushed inside, feeling all guilty that she had to be sent there. I kept my fingers crossed everyday.

But things didn't change until now. And that's been almost 1 month plus. Every morning I would whatsapp my husband, asking of Adeena and his response would be the same "She still cries" (My husband would take care of the kids in the morning as I have to leave the house at 6.30 am every working day). 

You can only imagine what I am feeling. I have all sorts of pre-assumptions in my head right now. Are the teachers the cause? The caretakers there have been changed quite a few times in a month that maybe Adeena is still adjusting because she's been used to the old ones. Or is she being bullied? Or has any of the teacher raised a voice to her? etc etc etc

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill because she doesn't throw tantrums. But, she will cry every single morning once she arrives at the nursery. The quivering of the lips and the tears will start in the car itself. Thing is, she'll get down, walks through the front door, salam, arranges her slippers, goes in and rushes to the sliding door to 'bye bye' while crying her eyes out.

Such heartbreaking scene.

Talked to her caretakers and they said she's fine every time the car leaves and she's a fine kid all day long. I should not worry right?

Well, I guess it is just separation anxiety. What more that I am pregnant now. They say it's a phase. She's being 'sayu' like what my mom puts it. I really hope that is all because I can't bear the thoughts of something else that could have been bothering her. 

This too, shall pass.

Love you, Adeena :)

At this point of time

Sometimes, being pregnant can feel as if it's a full-time job already. And it's tough when you've already got a full-time job yourself -- the kind that requires you to move, climb up the stairs and entertain 30-40 clients at a time. Fatigue is not even apt to describe what I have been feeling everyday for the past 8 months I am carrying. That's my biggest challenge so far -- fighting fatigue.

Things can get quite stressful, I admit, but I try not to make it adversely affect my health and my mood. The thought of a 3 months leave seem to uplift me the most and a newborn in my arms to hold. And yes, of course, I get plenty of sleep and rest. 

Despite the occasional struggle, exhaustion, pain and frustration, alhamdulillah, life continues to be amazing. And all is happy in my corner of the world.

Of Ninja Turtles and Sofia

When we first had Luqman, I already made it clear to my husband that I am going to throw him his first ever birthday party (which he willingly obliged hehe). I remember feeling all excited and overwhelmed that preparations were done many months prior to the day. After all, I thought, how hard can it be? All you need are balloons and a cake, and everything will be done right? Well, only it wasn't that easy. I realised that we needed to choose a theme and then the decors, activities , food and favors will fit. Suffice to say, it was quite an ordeal for a semangat mom that I was. I was hooked and engrossed. In the end it was all well; the party was a success and I, above anyone else was so relieved. I slept snoring that night haha

Then, Adeena came along and that time around it was my husband who suggested that we throw her her first birthday party, too. It wouldn't be fair not to, was what he told me. And so the preparations began, only it was easier this time around given the experience I've had before when planning for Luqman's. Since we wanted to save ourselves the exhaustion of cleaning up post party, we decided to choose a kids' play area as the venue. Double the fun, zero the stress (but ehem double the expenses). We also decided to make it more intimate an event, inviting only close friends and family members. And at the 11th hour, decided that we celebrate Luqman's 2nd birthday as well haha At the end of the day, the kids and adults enjoyed themselves for sure. We went home boring only gifts and climbed on our beds smiling. No labour work post party.

The third year came and passed by without any parties. We thought we could do with some rest from all the planning and what not. Plus, our budget restrained us from throwing any. So the kids' birthdays were celebrated just among us. Went out for lunch and dinner and had the compulsary candle-blowing moment. Simple, sweet, and memorable all the same.

Then, I started to feel the itch.

It's been awhile since we had any parties. I had started to daydream on themed decors and drooling over cute custom made birthday cakes. Crazy mom, I know. I only needed Luqman to say that he wanted a Ninja Turtle cake for his birthday last year for me to proceed with the idea of throwing him and Adeena a birthday bash hehe My husband was, surprisingly, with me! He's been having similar thoughts, too! This time around it was even easier. The preparation was done only a week before the day. We knew what the kids wanted; Ninja Turtle and Sofia the First. The challenge was when ordering their cakes from selected cake vendors. Alhamdulillah, we secured them! The rest was determined pretty quick, too.

Venue : the luxury of our own home. 

Guests : just family members

Deco : simple DIY and Recycle (haha)

Food : potluck

Favors : Grandma

Photographer : My brother

 Anyway, we (my husband and I) can never be more grateful to our family for helping us out even though it was just a very simple bash. Everyone was so willing and sporting just to make Luqman and Adeena the happiest kids that day. I was the maam for the day for I was not allowed to do much coz of my growing belly. For that, I was more than happy, too!

Some of the pictures on that day :

The first day of 2016 well-spent!

2016

Well, hello there. After my last post, next thing we know it's already the new year. Phew. 

Happy New Year everyone. Hope it's not too late. My new year kickstarted pretty well with my son's birthday celebration (will blog about that soon). School's started for the new year and it has been the most tiring first week. Alhamdulillah syukur, I managed. Sometimes I just don't know how, really. Exhaustion aside, I am so thankful that I seem to have everything under control; managing the household, the kids, keeping up with work. InsyaAllah things will get better as time comes by.

Resolutions?

Well, here's the thing. I've stopped making any since a few years ago. So, this year isn't going to be any different. Except, I am really going to try to do what the above picture says. I think all of us should, too. I think it is going to be exhilarating come 31st December this year. 

May this new year bring good luck to all of us and may Allah ease everything  insyaAllah.