New journey

Last week, my husband dropped the bomb over dinner which luckily, I wasn't choked after hearing it. The news was somewhat surprising but not totally unexpected. It's just I didn't think it would be so so soon. 

My reaction was that of a hysterical laughter followed by his, too. While holding his hands, gripping them hard, I know deep down things will change from now on. 

I foresee a lot of sacrifices have to be made in the future - juggling time between family and studies -- especially after I have given birth (which is just a few weeks away). No more frequent weekend outings (oh dear!). And the thought of me handling three kids without his presence is enough to make me shudder. 

But, I believe Allah has planned it all the way. An unexpected situation always comes with wisdom, and we're up for it insyaAllah. I am so so supportive of his new journey in life (I can never be more happy, in fact!) but I also know the beginning is always the hardest. I know, too, that there's no turning back on his part and insyaAllah we will ace this together. 

On top of that, I am so grateful that both of us have our support system (both our families) which we can rely on in times of difficulties. Praying hard that everything will be eased. 

All the best hubby. You know I am always right by your side :)

Super (pregnant) mom

My husband just left at the wee hours of the morning for a day outstation. While this has not been the first time, it's the first he's away leaving me 8 months plus pregnant with two kids and a household to manage for the day. From my point of view, it is already challenging enough. 

Truth be told, I have been preparing for this day for so long. It's a major drag. Yes, it's just a day but given that I am such a whale right now (oh yes, I am!), I can't help but envision that I would pass out at the end of the day. 

Kids will be up in half-an-hour. I have prepared everything the day prior to save me the hassle and drama this morning. I cannot be more than grateful that my superior allows me to report for work a little later than usual. 

I CAN DO THIS!

With some planning done, I think I can go through today's short-term single motherhood (so dramatic, I know!) smoothly. And like a pro. 

May the force be with me.

Morning cries

Adeena is almost 3 now and she's the earliest of the two to be sent to the nursery. The thought of sending her for the first time was hard, considering she was hardly 2 at that time. To me, she was too young to be separated and it was the biggest step we had to make as parents. Besides, it was the only choice we had after Bibik was sent home and this decision was mainly dictated by our career demands. I remember it was a very sensitive time for the both of us but Adeena was a star. Everything was eased and despite the ongoing crying that broke my heart every time, she managed after two weeks. The rest was history and life continues to be breezy.

Only, the crying started again December last year -- that's almost after a year plus she's been at the nursery. My husband and I agreed it must have been hard for Adeena to resettle after a month's break from the nursery (it was the school holidays so my kids stayed at home with me). Out of worry, I constantly pep talk her, telling her she has to go to school, play with her friends while ayah and ummi go to work. Every single day, that's what we did and she would nod like she really understood and her reply would be "Nanti Ummi ambik Adeena kan?" I was so crushed inside, feeling all guilty that she had to be sent there. I kept my fingers crossed everyday.

But things didn't change until now. And that's been almost 1 month plus. Every morning I would whatsapp my husband, asking of Adeena and his response would be the same "She still cries" (My husband would take care of the kids in the morning as I have to leave the house at 6.30 am every working day). 

You can only imagine what I am feeling. I have all sorts of pre-assumptions in my head right now. Are the teachers the cause? The caretakers there have been changed quite a few times in a month that maybe Adeena is still adjusting because she's been used to the old ones. Or is she being bullied? Or has any of the teacher raised a voice to her? etc etc etc

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill because she doesn't throw tantrums. But, she will cry every single morning once she arrives at the nursery. The quivering of the lips and the tears will start in the car itself. Thing is, she'll get down, walks through the front door, salam, arranges her slippers, goes in and rushes to the sliding door to 'bye bye' while crying her eyes out.

Such heartbreaking scene.

Talked to her caretakers and they said she's fine every time the car leaves and she's a fine kid all day long. I should not worry right?

Well, I guess it is just separation anxiety. What more that I am pregnant now. They say it's a phase. She's being 'sayu' like what my mom puts it. I really hope that is all because I can't bear the thoughts of something else that could have been bothering her. 

This too, shall pass.

Love you, Adeena :)

At this point of time

Sometimes, being pregnant can feel as if it's a full-time job already. And it's tough when you've already got a full-time job yourself -- the kind that requires you to move, climb up the stairs and entertain 30-40 clients at a time. Fatigue is not even apt to describe what I have been feeling everyday for the past 8 months I am carrying. That's my biggest challenge so far -- fighting fatigue.

Things can get quite stressful, I admit, but I try not to make it adversely affect my health and my mood. The thought of a 3 months leave seem to uplift me the most and a newborn in my arms to hold. And yes, of course, I get plenty of sleep and rest. 

Despite the occasional struggle, exhaustion, pain and frustration, alhamdulillah, life continues to be amazing. And all is happy in my corner of the world.

Of Ninja Turtles and Sofia

When we first had Luqman, I already made it clear to my husband that I am going to throw him his first ever birthday party (which he willingly obliged hehe). I remember feeling all excited and overwhelmed that preparations were done many months prior to the day. After all, I thought, how hard can it be? All you need are balloons and a cake, and everything will be done right? Well, only it wasn't that easy. I realised that we needed to choose a theme and then the decors, activities , food and favors will fit. Suffice to say, it was quite an ordeal for a semangat mom that I was. I was hooked and engrossed. In the end it was all well; the party was a success and I, above anyone else was so relieved. I slept snoring that night haha

Then, Adeena came along and that time around it was my husband who suggested that we throw her her first birthday party, too. It wouldn't be fair not to, was what he told me. And so the preparations began, only it was easier this time around given the experience I've had before when planning for Luqman's. Since we wanted to save ourselves the exhaustion of cleaning up post party, we decided to choose a kids' play area as the venue. Double the fun, zero the stress (but ehem double the expenses). We also decided to make it more intimate an event, inviting only close friends and family members. And at the 11th hour, decided that we celebrate Luqman's 2nd birthday as well haha At the end of the day, the kids and adults enjoyed themselves for sure. We went home boring only gifts and climbed on our beds smiling. No labour work post party.

The third year came and passed by without any parties. We thought we could do with some rest from all the planning and what not. Plus, our budget restrained us from throwing any. So the kids' birthdays were celebrated just among us. Went out for lunch and dinner and had the compulsary candle-blowing moment. Simple, sweet, and memorable all the same.

Then, I started to feel the itch.

It's been awhile since we had any parties. I had started to daydream on themed decors and drooling over cute custom made birthday cakes. Crazy mom, I know. I only needed Luqman to say that he wanted a Ninja Turtle cake for his birthday last year for me to proceed with the idea of throwing him and Adeena a birthday bash hehe My husband was, surprisingly, with me! He's been having similar thoughts, too! This time around it was even easier. The preparation was done only a week before the day. We knew what the kids wanted; Ninja Turtle and Sofia the First. The challenge was when ordering their cakes from selected cake vendors. Alhamdulillah, we secured them! The rest was determined pretty quick, too.

Venue : the luxury of our own home. 

Guests : just family members

Deco : simple DIY and Recycle (haha)

Food : potluck

Favors : Grandma

Photographer : My brother

 Anyway, we (my husband and I) can never be more grateful to our family for helping us out even though it was just a very simple bash. Everyone was so willing and sporting just to make Luqman and Adeena the happiest kids that day. I was the maam for the day for I was not allowed to do much coz of my growing belly. For that, I was more than happy, too!

Some of the pictures on that day :

The first day of 2016 well-spent!

2016

Well, hello there. After my last post, next thing we know it's already the new year. Phew. 

Happy New Year everyone. Hope it's not too late. My new year kickstarted pretty well with my son's birthday celebration (will blog about that soon). School's started for the new year and it has been the most tiring first week. Alhamdulillah syukur, I managed. Sometimes I just don't know how, really. Exhaustion aside, I am so thankful that I seem to have everything under control; managing the household, the kids, keeping up with work. InsyaAllah things will get better as time comes by.

Resolutions?

Well, here's the thing. I've stopped making any since a few years ago. So, this year isn't going to be any different. Except, I am really going to try to do what the above picture says. I think all of us should, too. I think it is going to be exhilarating come 31st December this year. 

May this new year bring good luck to all of us and may Allah ease everything  insyaAllah. 

Going for three

We - my husband and I - have always known that we will not stop at only two kids. We already have two spaced approximately two years apart: a boy and a girl. They each have their own room in our modest three-bedroom home, and they fit perfectly in the back seat of our midsize car. To some, this  seems like a perfect picture, content with a complete family that dismantling cribs and donating baby clothes are the next step in moving ahead with their lives. 

While I don't make judgments and leave the decision to their own, I personally do not feel done having children. I can't really explain sufficiently the desire for having a third but my mind drifted to the time when my two toddlers were small; their soft tiny feet and fingers, their heavenly smell and their squeals of delights. Besides, I constantly feel that someone is missing. My husband and I would occasionally talk about what if there is another Luqman or another Adeena in the house and it seemingly looked like a good idea. 

I realized I might wonder “what if” forever if I didn’t get a move on, and since my husband and I were on the same page—I couldn’t have proceeded otherwise—we held our breath and leapt. It was such a big step we took and one that we were truly ready for (for one I have weaned off Adeena and I am ready for another 2 years of breastfeeding journey and we are prepared mentally, emotionally and financially).

Alhamdulillah, I am now 21 weeks pregnant. Interestingly, I am less tired while pregnant with my third than I had been with my second, even with more years on my body and an extra child at my side. But unlike with my second pregnancy, my kids now are more self-sufficient, and we are all sleeping better. I feel great.

I know some might say "Why would you want to start everything over again?" Well, I guess what they say is true. We tend to forget the hardest parts of pregnancy, labor and raising another being, at least enough to go through it again especially while we are still young! 

With another 4 more months to go, I am praying hard everyday that everything will be eased. Can't wait for our wonderful gift come April next year :)

Love til Jannah

Last Saturday, I attended a so called casual talk (sembang santai) by Ustazah Isfadiah Mohd Dasuki at our surau. I find the topic so simple yet the content presented by her was so profoundly crucial. It is the most basic understanding of what it means to love that brings us to Jannah. 

Below are some of the gist I managed to jot down for our own benefits insyaAllah :

1. How do we love ourselves or how do we know we really love ourselves? It's when we hate to enter hellfire. Meaning to say, whatever actions, decisions, food we choose to eat, and clothes we wear are the reflection of how much we want to enter Jannah and how we show our love towards Allah SWT. Remember, our bodies are not even ours. Our eyes, hands, health are Allah's. She gave one simple analogy: food. Do we eat to fulfil our appetite or to fulfil our bodies' needs? Yes, we might say both but we need to draw the line between eating until we're really full or just what our body needs. It's the same thing when choosing what clothes to wear; either we want to impress our creator or others.
2. How do we know that we have the right love? Or we are actually loving the right thing? It's when that particular love we have reminds us of Allah. It's that love that brings us back to Allah SWT and our Prophet Muhammad SAW. 
3. We have choices in life and please make the right choice. Do not fall prey to our nafsu, people, or syaitan. Remember, we are slaves only to Allah SWT. When we really realise that, then we will have that love which will bring us to Jannah.
4. Our mission and purpose in life has to be clear. It's when some of us who are unclear of our purpose and the reason we're brought to this world that we have all sorts of problems (social problems, to be exact). This is because we tend to be the slaves of nafsu. Pursuing temporary worldly fun for example. Zina, maksiat, and other teens social problems are evidence that we're now facing a big challenge from the younger generation. In short, they do not love themselves. So, betulkan our niat. All the things that we have now, the people that we meet, the challenges we've been through are just tools to meet Allah SWT. To nurture our love towards Allah which eventually will bring us to Jannah.
5. She reminded us to leave things or people that do not bring us closer to Allah. This is because when we love Allah, no matter what we do, we say, we choose, in the end we will find Him at the end of the spectrum. That's because we love ourselves and most importantly we love ourselves because of Allah SWT. 
6. She stressed to love our anak-anak syurga. Our kids are our ultimate amanah. Love them. Use nice words to them. For every good deed, good display of action no matter how small pray for them. Even better, pray in front of them. Let our dua be heard. They're never too young to understand. InsyaAllah they will be the ones that will lead us to Jannah.
7. "Jagalah hak Allah nescaya Allah akan jaga hak kamu". When we pray, be conscious of our deeds (good and bad), instil the values of insaf because in reality, we owe Allah so much. We owe Allah more than we pray to him 5 times a day. Look around. Think of the nikmat that He has given us all these while.

Those above were the gist of her talk. Personally, sangat-sangat terkesan with what she said. InsyaAllah, with what I shared will be of benefits to all of us. Sometimes, we need this kind of reminder to make us be on the right track again. InsyaAllah, love til Jannah :)

By the way, I also had the chance to grab her book ; 365 Tips Didik Anak Gaya Nabi 1 Hari 1 Tip. I urge every parent to have this book because the content is so easy to read and she even provides sahih hadith which are totally relatable to parenting. It will be a good read to us all, insyaAllah.

Coming home

Finally, Allah has answered our prayers. Finally, it's time for that long awaited hijrah back home. Alhamdulillah, my brother is granted his transfer back to Klang. It was such a red letter day when the results were out. All of us were just so thankful and relieved. I remember smiling ear to ear when I read his message and letting out a huge sigh of relief. I guess it's time. The best thing comes to those who wait and patient enough, alhamdulillah. 

It wasn't easy to part, I know. 5 years settling down at a place he almost called home has 1001 memories that are priceless. His kids were the most devastated, I would say. I know how much they love him, just as much as he does the same. He is so good with them, such an awesome educator, warden, and a friend. 

But, undoubtedly, this hijrah is equally important. It is a start of a new beginning. 

It's now time to soar here in our hometown. It's time to show 'em what you got. And it's time to be the very best that you can be.

Welcome home, brother.

Our "me time"

We've heard too often about "me time". The minute you become a parent, everything changes. That quiet moment in a coffee shop, the lazy Sunday morning lie in or a cheeky last minute weekend getaway are all distant memories once your little bundle of joy arrives. That said, nothing can replace the sense of love and happiness you experience when you become a parent. All of a sudden, your world is turned upside down. It seems as if your every moment, awake or (rarely!) asleep, is shared with this new little being. "Me time" is like being craved or longed for even if it's just a moment in the shower or a 5 minutes trip to the store. At one point, it's just impossible, don't you think?

My first "me time" was when Luqman was just 3 months plus I think. I needed to get out and be alone for awhile. I seeked refuge at the nail parlour. You see, longing for that moment alone or for some peace and quiet where no-one can find you, does not make you a bad parent, you need to have some time for yourself too in order to recharge and be the best parent and partner you can be. I am sure all of us do have that parent guilt so to speak but having our "me time" is equally important.

I am lucky in the sense that I do get my "me time". You just need to be able to manage it. Sometimes, during weekends I wake up early to have my coffee fix undisturbed with a book in my hand. On a daily basis, I try to get home early from work so I could have at least an hour on my own before I fetch the kids. Besides, monthly meet-ups with my besties are scheduled for another awesome "me time". The most rewarding "me time" if you ask me would be when your husband willingly looks after the kids while you take a short nap upstairs. Nothing beats that!

Now that Luqman and Adeena are older, my husband and I tend to get our "me time" every now and then. Sometimes, I don't know whether to be really thankful or feel guilty for letting them have their weekly sleepovers at their Atok's (granddad and grandma insist!) But I can say that it is such a blessing because my husband and I can have our couple time, do whatever things we have been wanting to do but we couldn't because the kids take so much of our time and attention (ie: sleeping like a log), and just relax; have a time-off from being a parent even if it's just for a day. In short, it's like we're taking care of ourselves now. We've learned to shed off the guilt and the feeling of selfishness because I personally think that it is crucial to create a more balanced, calm and happier life.  

Being a parent often means that our own needs come last, and sometimes that means we completely kick them to the curb. Most of us have been there. But if you don't already do it, try and find guilt-free "me time". Search and crave for it. 

I quote,

  "When you treat yourself well, goodness trickles down into your relationships with your partner, your kids, your friends, and your community. It’s like a big circle of awesomeness."